Alone in the hills!

by Debbi
(Canyon Lake)

I am so overwhelmed that I am not real sure where to begin?
In 2003 My only child, my 17 year old son Jamie was killed in a car accident in Slidell, La.. He was visiting his father at the time. He was with 2 friends of his that were also cousins. They were going down I 10 someone tapped there car and they flew in the air rolled 3 times landed under the overpasss of a very busy street. All 3 kids were ejected from the car. The girl that was driving lived about 30 minutes I think then died at the hospital. My son died at the scene. It was Mother's Day and he was my world. He was the most incredible kid. I ran around chasing my tail for years but, I don't think I have ever come past it. I dated and I moved around a lot. Then after a lot of stuff I moved to the hill country. My mom was in jail from a really bad relationship when Jamie died but, when she got out of jail my brother Danny and I went to pick her up in Lubbuck and brought her to his house in Austin. We went through some very turbulent years. Danny (my brother) was 6 years younger than me and our parents were never really there. Our father was an alcoholic and my mom seemed to work constantly. We clung to each other growing up so, consequently we were very close. It nearly killed us both when we lost Jamie. We both drank heavily. We could barely talk about it without just falling apart but, anyway much later he divorced. He has a son that is full blown juvenile diabetic and his ex wife and I have remained close. i remarried a few years ago and so did Danny. In the meantime I moved my mom close to me and unfortunately she had a very bad stroke while she was home alone in her lil apartment. I was over 8 hours before one of her neighbors found her. She worked very hard to recover and she just never was the same . I moved her in with me and cared for her as long as I could but, she kept falling etc... So finally I had to put her in a nursing home. It was a very nice place but, it killed me to leave her there.She continued to get worse but then in December 2012 my brothers cancer returned. He had a nephrectomy a few years earlier and in Dec. 2012 it returned. I was with my husband in Florida. His wife had kicked him out of the house due to alcoholism and he was seeing my best friend at the time. They called me and asked if he could stay at my house or they told me he was in the v.a. hospital so I flew home. I brought him to my house. Then in January 2013 he was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carsinoma with mets to his liver. They gave him 2 months to 2 years to live. I took care of him day and night until he was eatin away to nothing. He died in my home on July 1st,2013. I am still in pieces over losing him. Then my mom died this past April 21st,2014. The my very close friend Paul died on June 27th this year and we buried her July 1st of this year. My husband travels with his work so he is always gone for months at a time.He never went with me to any of the funerals because he says he hates funerals and hospitals so I have been very alone. I don't know how to make myself participate in life anymore.It feels like groundhog day. one day just rolls into the next. I have been trying to clean my house after my moms things landing here and my brothers things and my son is dead. My friends kids are getting married and having children and I am very happy for them but, I am completely alone. All of my family is dead. Everyone that I love is gone. I have some friends but I don't know how to go on. I can't concentrate and even when I feel okay there is this underlying sadness that aches all of the time.

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Aug 30, 2014
by: judith in California

Debbi, You have had a hard row to hoe. It's no wonder why you feel the way you do. A supportive husband to go to your loved ones funerals would have helped os much. I think that was a selfish thing for him to do. Has he not learned that sometimes we have to give up our not being comfortable for someone who needs us and we love? Geez!

I hope you will find a counselor to help you sort out all your feelings for the losses you've had to face on your own.

I offer my deepest sympathies for all of them.

Please write and let us know how you are from time to time. May God give you the strentgh to seek help and find peace within you.

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