Alone & Tired
(Portland , Maine)
I figured I would tell my story here in hopes that I find clarity through someone elses words. I'm 43 and she is 42. We met almost 3 years ago and like any relationship, the first 7 months were wonderful. And during that time I fell in love. I think when you know you know. She was truly the center of my day.
She started acting detached around mothers day into our 8 month. I thought it was because of Mothers Day and that weekend her two boys were with their father. But it lasted for 2 weeks until she admitted to me their was a guy who she has had an on again off again relationship. He saw pictures of us together so he moved out on his wife and moved right down the street from her.
We broke up and I was totally blind sided. She immediately was with him but after a couple of months and her staying in touch with me he went back to his wife because she told him he was married and she chose me. We got back together in September and she agreed she was not looking back. A few months went by and I was throwing her a birthday party and her friend let it slip that she and he were still in contact. I loved this woman so I stuck it out trying to help her as she was trying to say good bye. This went on until Jun of the next year where she broke up with me again. This time I said she needs to figure things out and I moved on and met someone. But my heart was for my ex and I could not truly move on. In Oct a day before my birthday my ex states I need to make a choice between the one I was with or her and if I wanted her to come be with her. I still loved her so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She had planned a trip with that guy to Aruba in Nov but they didn't go of course. She went with her family and a hs girlfriend. So I'm thinking this guy is gone finally only to find out they are still in contact on new years day. I tell her I'm leaving and she begs and pleads for me not to. So I don't but now I'm so gun-shy I think it could happen again and I keep my distance. Together but not as committed as I need time to really believe I can trust her. So from Jan of this year until Aug we are together but there are other men she is talking to. One is going through a divorce but comes around as a friend and does stuff for her that I would normally do. Another an ex boyfriend from college who's married but I they text til 2am once.
By now we are fighting and I don't think she understands that she can't be allowing other men around so we fight and she stops but now we are fighting. So she says she needs a break. 2 weeks later I break up and connect with someone to try to feel some sense of worthiness. But I know I still love her so I tell her I really want to be with her and I know we can make it work if we just communicate. I find out recently that the guy who was going through a divorce and was doing things for her when we were dating is now seeing her and the other day had his truck parked in her garage so no one would know he is there. She says they are just friends and since I moved on that she has the right to do whatever even though I have told her I want her if we can just communicate and I told the woman I met that my heart still belongs to my ex and I can't move on.
Now my head says this woman will never change. She needs men in her life to make her feel important yet I understand why based upon her childhood and the pattern continues. I've tried to break her of the pattern but I'm wondering if I ever can. I do love her and can imagine a future with her but confused at what to do. If I leave her be she will come running back but I know she will end up with thar guy she is with first as more than friends. How do walk away from someone so invested in and believe it can work. I don't know how to quit her.