always in my heart,my hero, my Dad

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My Dad passed this past May, from Cirrhosis, we have no idea how he got it. It was a mystery to the doctors and he was not a candidate for transplant. I feel lucky because I was able to say all the things I needed to say to him and got to have one last supper with my parents in their home before he passed in a Hospice facility. In no way am I saying I wanted my father to continue to live the way he was, it was not living. Dad passed on a beautiful Sunday morning, Mom was the only one there and I am good with that too. I miss him incredibly, I was not prepared for the heartbreak of living without him. I sat in their home and find myself listening for him to come in from outside or down the hall for the longest time. I used to open a closet that had his clothes, just hug them, and cry like a baby. This past Christmas season I just was not festive, I got told to celebrate his life and not mourn his death. I tried,honestly I did, I decorated a little, mailed cards but my heart was not in the season. We are a very close family and Dad was my protector and hero. I said everything I wanted to say to him while he was alive, I thanked him for being a wonderful loving father, apologized for the stubborn streaks and times I caused him any heartache as a parent. Told him I appreciated everything he had done for me all my life.
I am very angry with him for leaving us here now, and for how devastated my mother is without him. Part of me wants to scream at him and the other part just misses him. I hold no delusions it would happen at some point and no I would not want him back the way he was. But that is my brain talking, my heart is another story it just says "I miss my Dad"

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Jan 15, 2013
always in my heart, my hero, my Dad
by: Doreen U.K.

This is your grief and loss making you feel like this. Even the ANGER is a strong part of grief. It is O.K. for you to not feel very festive and want to have Christmas. It is normal and natural to feel this way. You need to do what is best for you. If you feel like hugging his clothes and crying this is O.K. This is how you grieve. Everyone says we have to celebrate the person's life. But you also have to grieve the Death. Your father nurtured you. Interacted and communicated with you. Why wouldn't you feel hurt he has died? Just ignore people who tell you what to do? How and what to feel? They haven't a clue. Wait till they lose someone. They will then get it. My 3 Adult children lost their father 8 months ago to cancer. WE wouldn't want him back like he was to suffer. He had a long painful cancer journey.

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