Am I Expecting Too Much?

by Pat J
(Lake Villa, IL)

Grandson Jacob feeding grandpa after his LVAD surgery

Grandson Jacob feeding grandpa after his LVAD surgery

It's 6 weeks today for me. December 3, 2010 was the worst day of my life. When the doctor came out and said, "I'm sorry there is nothing more we can do," I feel like my life ended too. My 10 year old grandson was with my daughter and I when my husband passed. He sobbed and said, "Doctor isn't there anything you can do for my grandpa? We love him."

I sit here today feeling like I'm stuck. I posted the day after Christmas all the things I thought I should be feeling~how I should count the blessings that remain in my life, be optimistic, be thankful for the time we had together. It sounded good at the time. I look back on what I posted and I'm now wondering where those feelings even came from. I haven't felt that way since. The days are long and lonely.

Everyone keeps asking me if I have family and friend support. Yes I do. It doesn't even begin to make up for my husband not being here. They can't be with me in my bed at night when I ache to hear the sound of his voice. They aren't here in the morning when I wake up and it's actually a full minute before I remember and that sick feeling hits me right in the gut. They don't look at me with that, "I know exactly what you're thinking" look.

I'm trying~I really am. I'm into my third book on grief support about what to expect over the next year. I know the stages. I know about the roller coaster. I know I have to live through this to get to the other side. I journal, I write to my husband, I've met 3 women on another grief web site that I email (and they me) several times a week. I've talked to them on the phone. I'm networking with people who understand because they're going through the same thing.

I feel like I'm doing what I should but nothing is really helping right now. I pray daily for strength. I know God will answer my prayers, eventually. Am I expecting too much at this point? Being too impatient? I'm stuck in a dark lonely place and I'm feeling nothing but sorry for myself at this point. One breath, One step is even difficult for me today.

Comments for Am I Expecting Too Much?

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Jan 20, 2011
Feeling sorry?
by: Cindy

No, you are not feeling sorry for yourself. We all are feeling the same feelings. I miss my husband more and more every day! He has been gone for two months and it feels like eternity. I just hate going to bed because it is so painful. I know what you mean when you can't feel him there. He was there for almost 35 years, and it just isn't fair. I keep asking God why He had to take him away from me. He was my whole life and we loved each other so very much. We had a wonderful marriage and he was so kind to me. I pray we can have some comfort one day, but it is a long journey of grief.

Jan 15, 2011
expecting too much
by: Mari

Pat, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. You are going through a difficult time and you will have the feelings of grief you spoke of. There is a grieving process to go through and it takes time. It is good that you have love and support.
My heart goes out to your grandson too who sure loved his grandpa.

We just have to take a day at a time. It is not an easy process and is gradual. Rely on the Lord to get through each day. I am glad you do have support. This board is really a great place to voice your feelings and everyone cares.

I lost my husband 14 months ago Nov 22 2009 and believe me last year was terrible. The holidays were difficult and it has been hard on all the grandchildren.

But God has seen me through and now I can say I am thankful for our years together. God understands how we feel and has a way of compensating by bringing new life into the family. We know too we will see our loved ones some day and they will not be sick.
I became a great grandmother on Jan 5th. I like to think my husband is looking down from heaven. It is a new life and for my husband a new life for him with the Lord.

The baby has brought much joy.
Believe me I still miss my husband but I can say that my life is beginning anew. I had a talk with my pastor the other night about some of my feelings. Did I do all I could do for my husband? Why did he refuse medical care until his heart gave out? The pastor said,''Yes sister. You could only do so much. He said he was getting a message from the Lord that my husband was sorry he left me as he did to cope with everything. He said, ''just say,I forgive you.'' So I did that. I did not realize I sometimes was mad because he left me to be with the Lord and was stubborn about getting medical care. I was carrying these thoughts. I had to let go of them.

I feel freed of those feelings and just know I will always love him.
Take care and God bless you. We are here for you.

Jan 15, 2011
the long ride of grief
by:

Pat J,

I understand you reading grief books, wanting to know what to expect and for how long. I did the same thing as I think we all did. All the research in the world cannot even begin to explain the grief ride you are about to get on.
It is more of an ebb and flow. Grief will give you days where you cannot think or function.
Some days your o.k and just hold on to those days because they are the days that will help you through.

In the beginning we want to map this whole process out, but in the end you realise grief will carry you where it wants to go. You have no logical control over it and the stages of grief get mixed up. Some days you feel that you are starting all over. If is a long hard ride this roller coaster of grief and we will be here to hear you anytime. Keep reading keep writing and remember our motto. One breath one step at time...
HH

Jan 14, 2011
Are we expecting too much?
by: Pam

I like you, have that same thing happen. When I wake up it takes me a minute to remember that my husband is not here with me, especially if I just lay down for a nap for some reason. Sometimes it seems like I am doing ok, but maybe that is because I am busy at work. But at night, when I am sitting here and the house is so quiet, I feel like I won't make it. I like your idea of a journal, perhaps I will start writing one to my husband.

My husband was my world, sounds like yours was too. Our son is grown and lives in another state. So I sit alone, not wanting to venture out to any of my friends houses yet, unsure of what will happen if I do go out. So many things I have done for the first time, grocery shop, home depot, walmart, did not work too well for me, in all cases I burst into tears.

I don't know how we will get thru this, like you I have faith in God, but that doesn't make me feel any better at times like this. If only I could hear his voice I would calm down instantly. Like I keep seeing people post, one step, one breath is all we can do. Please hang in there, we all feel your pain too!
Pam

Jan 14, 2011
don't be hard on yourself
by: Judy

My deepest sympathies on your loss. I lost my Bear a little over a year ago. Honestly the first weeks were almost unbearable. You can tell yourself to count blessings, remember the good times etc, but nothing really fills the empty place where such a short time ago your husband filled. Family and friends can be kind, but they can't understand how you are feeling-only others who have lived through this shock and loss can really understand it. Don't expect you can conquer grief, you just have to hang on for the ride. Come talk to us often. Where ever you are, one of us has been there and will understand.

God bless and give you comfort.

Judy

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