Am I hear by myself

Happy 50th Birthday to Me

Happy 50th Birthday to Me

So I've started a new job. Better pay, benefits and 40 hours a week. Financially I have moved forward and am now secured in money. I have an apartment, new car, friends and new life. Is it new or just an illusion? I've walked the walk and talked the talk. Bowling with new friends and races that I remember Billy and I enjoyed.
New friends don't realize ~ does anyone?
I look at Billy's face each day and wonder what I'm doing and where I'm going. Someone please tell me.
I feel pain and hurt not know what the day will bring and will I survive. What is this world were living in want? Why the pain and hurt? Those who are gone, we loved have are moving on into another place in time and are we in a better place. Is that the price we pay, the hurt for there salvation?
Who knows? because I don't...;.
All I know is Billy is in no more pain. For that I'm grateful. So if it means my life will continue this way for him to be at peace then so be it. I know some day I will be with him, until then I will walk the walk and talk the talk and cry those tears every night. I know the pain he carried with him those last years cannot compare and I will bare that pain with the up most. Its a hard road we travel, all of us, but a cross I will carry to easy his pain and sorrow.
So be it, so it will be done.
until were together again once more,
1 step, 1 breath at a time . . . .

Comments for Am I hear by myself

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Apr 03, 2011
Am I here by myself?

..'I look at Billy's face each day and wonder what I'm doing and where I'm going..'

You're going somewhere new. You're not exactly sure where that is, or who you'll meet, or why you're even in the place you are at this point in time. You have good things coming your way, opportunities unfolding, and little windows opening up where you can let air in and breathe from. The problem is, you're shutting them down, pulling away, and convincing yourself that at the end of the day- it's all not worth it; it never will be until you have your love back.

I wish that I could be more than just words to you, if only I or someone else could ease your pain and make what has happened just a little bit easier to live with...
But it's beyond myself, and any other person, it is beyond you too to bring back what was and make everything new in your life appear worth having. You will need to realize for yourself that you are in a very fortunate position, and you must learn to value those things as 'achievements' on your behalf that are a huge part of your purpose in life, and blessings to you that will ultimately help you to move on and begin to feel some fulfillment again..

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Your pain is shared by many on here, and I am sure they are also in awe of how you have managed to pursue so much on your own and achieve your goals while you are grieving.
You have so many wonderful things opening up for you.. now accept them. See them for what they are- no pretence! Don't feel that you need to walk any walk or talk what isn't in your heart or mind.. find activities that'll help you release the stored anger, hurt, and sorrow that is shadowing your path to success and happiness.

Peace x

Apr 02, 2011
Am I here by myself
by: jules

We all walk the walk, and talk the talk don't we? We get on with life - jobs, houses etc., making ourselves secure, but underneath is the fear of being alone, the grief that we still feel, all the time - I myself know that I think of John allo the time, as much as I appear to have "gotten over it" - that is the exterior me for others to see. Not too many people see the interior me - I don't know that they would understand.
We change things in our lives, yes, but the love we felt is still there - and always will be I think, no matter what else happens in our lives.
But, we will keep on putting on the happy outer shell - the one people can understand and live with.
But, lucky for us, we have this site, where we can express our feelings, doubts and fears -
and every day -one step, one breath
take care

Apr 02, 2011
Happy Birthday!!
by: Julie, Michigan

Hi, I really enjoyed hearing your upbeat message. Can you give me some advice, how did you do it, where did your strength come from? How long has it been since you have lost Billy? It is a wonderful picture you posted. I know exactly what you mean about starting over with a new job and meeting new people. My favorite country artist is Trace Adkins and he has this song, I can't outrun you. It talks about, I can move from town to town, and nobody knows that you were around...your in my mind, my heart, I can't out run you. And it's true. I have started my third new job in 3 years since my father in law passing away of cancer and the family struggles on both sides that eventually lead just my husband and daughter and myself with memories of how things use to be. I finally am starting to get my old personality back and am scared to let people in. I'd rater just appear "normal" and not say anything and go to work and go home.

Apr 02, 2011
Me too...


I know what you mean about walking the walk. Faking your way through life telling yourself that your o.k, that you are making it. Today I took my son to a belated Birthday Dinner. We celebrated his birthday last weekend. He turned 13 and it was a tad easier than celebrating (hah yeah celebrating... dealing was more like it) his 12th Birthday last March 27th, only 3 almost 4 months after his father died.

Today we went to a chinese buffet that Paul and I would go to on Anniversaries, Birthdays etc.
I saw all of the families eating together, husbands wives and a little grief spilled in to ruin the day.

I told myself that I do have a family even if it is my son and I. The older kids are living their lives and for that I am grateful one less thing to worry about. Boo caught the look and kept asking me what was wrong. I lied, told him I was full,tired anything to stop me from spilling out that this restaurant reminds me of your dad.

This is where we would have a date on rare occasions, where someone would watch the kids for 2-4 hours while we ran off and spent some alone time together.

Everywhere I went today reminded me of husbands and wives and what I no longer have. At Big Lots a cashier told her customers something about her childhood that was unpleasant, told them that it would have to be a good man to turn her head.
The woman like me plain shone a beautiful smile and said "I have a good man" It turned her inner beauty outward when she spoke of her love. Her husband looked around and said Yeah where? Playfully...

I guess we never really get our entire act together. Yes I am much better now. Still do not understand how to put air in a tire. Make my son set the clock on the coffee pot and work all electronics or there will be none.

This void that I have. I accept that I must forge ahead to find my own happiness, it does not mean that there will not be days where memories slap you in the face. I am 50 too. Too young to start over ,and too old to put up with the mindless games people play.

I am truly alone and until I can accept this and rejoice in life I shall remain alone. I have not fully accepted his death as part of my life and do not see a future. Just a day to day exsistence until I get stronger. My best to you,
You have come so far and I am proud of you...

Apr 02, 2011
Its hard to lose the one we love
by: Sheila

Your grief like mine is still new, I have no idea how anyone ever gets through these times, many do, but some never can move forward, I hope you manage to move forward. I hope I do too one day x

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