Am I Losing It??

by Kerri
(Warwick, RI)


I already shared the story of my son Alan's tragic passing on 9/10/11, but I also want to share a story of something I did after my son was cremated that I am not proud of. I also want to show off something that I am proud of!

Alan died, in my eyes, on 9/1/11 but since his body was not found until 9/10/11, the 10th is his 'official' date of death. I was told by the medical examiner that they must go by the date and time a person is found.

So a month or so after I last saw Alan, walking, talking, the boy I knew and loved, I was presented with 3 urns (to be shared by me, his dad and stepfather) and told this was my son. It was his body anyway, but still the body I carried, gave birth to, cared for, kissed boo-boos on, fed, clothed, bathed, and then watched grow into a man.

** To anyone that has not seen the results of a cremation, and don't want to know, please do not read the next paragraph!! **

When I had the urns, I immediately opened mine to see what remained of my son. To my shock and disbelief the bag inside looked like it contained dry cement. I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that I did not want to part with 2 parts of my son - after all, I had given birth to 100% of a baby and did not want 33 1/3 back. So I went to the local Lowe's and bought what looked exactly like his cremated remains (yes, dry cement) and took him out of the other 2 urns, replaced it with the fake stuff and gave them to their rightful owners.

I thought myself to be so clever, plus it was the first time in over a month that I wasn't crippled by grief - I was a mother on a mission. Until the guilt set in. I imagined my son saying to me "Ma, what are you doing?" After a few days I confessed and made things right by putting the real remains back in the other 2 urns. I actually felt much better.

Has anyone else done this? Was I temporarily out of mind?

The second thing that I did which brought a great deal of comfort was to have my son's picture tattooed on my back. I also got a tattoo of a frog over my heart, but perhaps that is a story for another day.

Comments for Am I Losing It??

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Feb 20, 2012
Am I Losing It??
by: Jessica

I lost my beautiful daughter Amber she was 18 , January 17, 2012 the worst day of my life and the end of it as far as i am concerned my comment to you is your 100 percent right in feeling like he should of been kept in one not split up , we did that with my mother and 14 year old said mom is that not weird splitting up grandma like that , after thinking i thought yes but to late no fixing that one ...with amber her sisters everyone wanted a part of my child's ashes i said no she stays in one urn and with me ...i would of kept the ashes if i were you , you have had right to them your his mother .

Feb 09, 2012
No-you are not losing it!
by: Markita

My EX did not want to cremate-instead he wanted to place OUR son (who died of an OD) in a hole in the ground next to his grandmother and grandfather. I said no, that is MY son and I'm going to cremate. So, him, me and my remaining son shared the ashes in 3 urns. I, however, told the funeral home that I wanted the remaining that are in a box. I carefully layed them on his bed in his room, and for Thanksgiving I invited two caring lady-friends of his, his younger brother and his long time best friend (actually the one that found him dead in his bed) and we opened the ash box and I shared the ashes with them to be put in cremation jewelry. They are so happy now that they (along with me) have a piece of jewelry that carry around my son to be with them forever. The ashes that are left in the box, I think I am going to send some down to FL and have my sister put them in the ocean where we put my parents ashes and possibly spread some in my back yard as he lived in that house with me since 1988. Then if I ever sell the house, he will forever be in the backyard that he grew up in.

Nov 23, 2011
My Boy my Son
by: Anonymous

I totally understand the wanting to keep all the creamation ashes. I wanted and did divide my sons ashes in small urns for "only" me and his 2 sisters. I ended up with a large amount in a box that was given to me after the service. I held on to that box until my sons 25th birthday which was only 3 months after his death. My sister had purchased a small weeping willow tree (his favorite tree) for me to plant in my yard on the day we would celebrate his birthday without him. All of my sons best friends and our family got together and each of us took turns digging the hole for the tree, then we each took a handful of my sons ashes and sprinkled them in the hole before putting the tree in place. Some of the rest of the ashes we take to his favorite place (a huge willow tree by the creek where he played as a boy) each year on the anniversary of his death and sprinkle some there.
It has been 2 1/2 years of pain so far, but I can look at his tree every day. The remainder of his ashes still sit in the box which is under my bed.

Oct 23, 2011
right thing
by: kay

Kerri I think you did the right thing as a mother. only a mother who has lost her child can even begin to comprehend the loss. Our children we grew inside of ourselves who we nurtured and loved all of their lives for all the years, I too lost my beautiful son last year and I made some decisions ...... I too thought I was losing it. Actually I still think I am. I do not regret one thing I did. I still have my sons ashes at my place ...I just cannot part with him. His girlfriend wanted half.....but I only gave her a very small amount. I am not sorry. I am thinking of you and sending you love and healing. Our sons will live forever in our hearts. Kay xxx

Oct 22, 2011
Loss of Son
by: Cookie

A beautiful story. I love the tribute to your son on your back. Don't mother's carry us on their back's long after we are grown anyway. In your mindset at that time you did the right thing
wanting to keep your son's remains. All should have left that to you anyway. I personally, probably would have done the same thing but told no one.

It mattered more to you than anyone else and the other people were selfish to not let you have them in their entirety. I wish you could have put him in a cemetary plot so all of you could have grieved your separate ways. You were not wrong. It was a mother's love. God bless you.

Cookie in Virginia

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