Am struggling to cope

by Enjay
(London, UK)

2 years ago, my daughter died at full term pregnancy. I lost my home of 15 years, 100k, and my partner left 6 days later. I ended up with post traumatic stress disorder. I was making good recovery and at the end of last year i met a wonderful man.

I was looking forward to a new life. He is everything i could wish for. He told me that his daughters mother had cancer. She lived with her mother in another city 2.5 hours drive away. For the last few weekends it had been planned for her to come and visit. I was excited about this, she is 7, now at age 43, i knew that couldnt have anymore children. The daughter i lost was my last.

Unfortunately last saturday his daughters mother had a stroke and went into a coma. On thursday they gave her more drugs for the cancer. And she declined rapidly. Her family are now at the hospital waiting for her to die and his daughter is temporarily at a friends. She has no idea that her mother is about to die as her father wants to tell her face to face.

She was meant to come to stay with us today, but this had to be cancelled as the person that was bringing her is at the hospital with the mother who is dying.

This means that when i meet her for the first time, will be the day that her father tells her that her mother has died. That she will not be returning to her home, that she will be living with us. She wont play with the children in her street and wont be attending the same school.

Knowing how it feels to experience multiple losses, I am terrified for this little girl and how she will cope. I am at a loss what to say to her. My house is a brand new home that i moved to for my little girl. There are butterflies everywhere. I wish i had a magic wand to make everything ok - but i dont... i feel so desperately sad, when i think of the box of activities we had got for her. I thought how she could make things for her mummy to take back with her after her visits. Now she will never do those things.

I am spiritual - so i do believe that. I thought perhaps we could have a space in the garden where she could do things for her mummy, if she wanted to, grow things too. Maybe write a letter to her mummy on fire lanterns then set off into the sky to heaven. I am just scared that a 7 year old little girl has to go through this... and i am struggling to cope right now :(

Comments for Am struggling to cope

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Mar 11, 2012
Thank you
by: Enjay

I cannot express how touched i was to log in and read your heartfelt comments to my post. You have all lifted my spirits and made me feel that i can really do this.

Thank you so much for everyone that replied. Your comments have really meant a lot to me. And have given me the strength i needed. I will print off and keep these comments. Whenever i am struggling to cope i will re-read. Thank you. What a wonderful site you have here :)

Mar 11, 2012
Traveling companions
by: SC

All of the ideas you had for making special things, the garden etc. are all wonderful and appropriate for the future.

My advice: Don't cancel your plans, just put them off until the time is right.

It looks like a "good situation" because you have a history that relates and can understand the loss and pain.

It sounds like this is an ideal situation for you because of past experience and because you sound like a great person.

Sounds like you could be good 'traveling companions' in life.

Mar 11, 2012
Am Struggling to Cope
by: MissChris

Dear Amjay,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. Along with the other losses, I can see why you suffered from PTSD. It's amazing how a new man and his daughter have entered your life. You sound like you are ready to welcome his daughter into your life. You truly care about her feelings. Your ideas of helping her deal with her mothers death are so sweet and thoughtful. You sound like an answer to a prayer.

Mar 10, 2012
Maybe Fate Brought You Together?
by: Anonymous

Dear Enjay,

Your story really touched me. You have experienced so much loss, and yet you have a heart full of love, to think about the wellbeing of all those other people. You are truly an angel.

I can't help but wonder if God didn't bring you and this little girl together at a time when you both needed it? I mean, she is about to lose her mother...and you have lost your daughter? I'm sure that one day, that little girl will take comfort to hear that you know exactly how she feels. And day down the road....maybe you could let her know that you and she could be there for each other?

I know its probably too soon to talk about these things. I just think there was such caring and thoughtfulness in your note.....God has good things in store for you. Hang in there!


Mar 10, 2012
You're Doing Wonderfully
by: judith in California

Enjay, you sound absolutely terrific to be the one to be with his little girl . You have such a great imaginatin to plan some wonderful things for her to do that includes her mothers memory. How creative. Yes. it will be a most challenging time but you sound perfect for the task. And it's great you have the empathy to feel for her as you do. How blessed she will be to have you in her life.

God is surely with you and will always be there to guide and help you all through this most difficult time.

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