Am stuck in guilt
We put our dear Stoshu, 15 years old down last spring. He was a corgi, a fluffy, with wonderful personality. Stoshu was truly a member of our pack, and he lived as though his job was to do his duty for the family. He announced when anyone came home, and was always by our side to tell us what was going on. A little bit OCD, he would only go for walks if the whole family went. He was glue for our family - as tumultuous as it was having boys go through teenage years to young adulthood, Stoshu made that easier since he was the one we all were crazy about. But a couple years ago he started losing his sight, then his hearing, then his kidneys started to fail, and then the arthritis was clearly present. We hoped he would die peacefully but it's almost as though he believed it was his duty to be with us regardless of what he felt. So he was on meds - for his arthritis and kidneys. Then we had him on amitryptiline because he would bark out of anxiety, and sometimes for hours. That helped a little but not much. Then we had to move his bed downstairs and in a crate because we weren't able to sleep. (he slept under our bed for most of his life) Never really got to say goodbye because he couldn't see or hear, and because I was upset, he sensed that when I stroked him. So tremendous guilt - probably should have done it sooner, so he didn't have to go through all that anxiety. I don't know how to deal with this guilt any longer. I thought I'd feel relief when he died because he was suffering, but I just miss him terribly even after all these months.