Amelia

by A.

I think I have been coping with loss since I was born, but this past year has been incredibly full of loss. I moved around so much as a child, and all over the world because of my dad's job. I'm used to having to give things up: the obvious things, like knowing my extended family and saying goodbye to childhood friends and homes and knowing I will likely never see them again. The not so obvious things: saying goodbye to stability, to belonging, to the ability to ever go home, to healthy relationships where I don't have commitment issues, to my own rights. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a few years ago which required me to completely give up aspects of my life which I love, because I'm just not capable anymore. I thought I knew what grief was.
But this year, I have said goodbye to so much more. I lost my grandmother. I lost three nephews and a niece--four little ones who will never know what it is to see their first Christmas, or make cookies in the kitchen, or have their first kiss. I cannot fathom how much more intense the loss is for my sisters. I broke up with the first person whom I ever fell in love with, while still in love with him. I'm going to lose my favorite aunt soon-- she is dying of cancer and does not have much longer. I lost my innocence to a complete stranger, and it was drunken but not consensual--I know in my mind that I am worth so much more than that, but I feel so betrayed and so shaken to my core and so broken by something which should be beautiful, and which I have guarded and saved. I don't want anyone to know, because it violates everything I am as a person, and everything I believe in. I feel so alone and so young and I can't even eat because I feel so sick to my core, and I can't stop trembling right now.

I don't know what to do. I know intuitively that I need to keep going--Churchill's quote "when you're going through hell, keep going" has not left me--but it's hard. I don't want to close off from people, but right now I don't even want anyone to notice me. I am so exhausted from dealing with these losses, and from wondering when the next person will go.

Comments for Amelia

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Mar 02, 2013
Amelia
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so very sorry for all the losses that you have had to go through in life. I don't like change at all. We get into a comfort zone and then get disturbed and have to re-do things like moving in. Unpacking. Cleaning again. And learning new things and meeting new people. Only to do it all over again. It becomes stressfull. We all need to put down roots and find some stability in life where we can feel secure and happy. You have not had this and I can understand you are so weary to the point that you could scream. Have you ever thought of just going to a grief counsellor where you have your own space to scream and get it out of your system and have someone to support you. These people are skilled to help us to grieve our losses. You will come out feeling less burdened. You will be able to move through life better. It is a very cathartic experience. (cleansing). Counselling will definitely help you work through your feelings of feeling uncomfortable having given yourself to someone who has left you feeling violated. You definitely should seek help here. I did counselling years ago, and for a few years and I have gotton to a place where I feel GREAT. I can't tell you how Healing this was for me. If it doesn't bring you healing or make you feel better. Try another counsellor till you find one where you are improving. IT DOES WORK! LOSS in life will leave you so depleted. I have God in my life and He is the Healer and has been healing me within for many years otherwise I wouldn't have got through my life. We all have to live with scars. Times on going pain will wear you out and make life unbearable. But times also Pain can often be a schoolmaster and have a positive wellbeing of disciplining us and developing character from a Spiritual perspective. But in the physical realm it doesn't feel good. I hope that you do find comfort and Healing from where you are in life and that you find the Peace you need.

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