An Orphan at 34
by Abdul H.
Two years ago, my Mom was given a diagnosis of Fatty Liver. Seeing the woman whom sacrificed so much for her children to be successful adults, the strongest person I known, become someone who couldn't do anything on her own and dependent on others. She would be hospitalized every couple of months, then get realized. She would state numerous times she is slowly dying. I couldn't accept it, and quickly dismissed it, telling her it'll be okay. She will get over this like she's done so many struggles in her life.
The hospitalizations soon became more often, until she remained in the hospital for weeks after her sides began to hurt her. The doctors found her kidneys were failing, and weeks later, her other organs were shutting down. Growing weaker and full of pain, she desired to let her go and rest.
Taking her back to her home on May 14, 2013, she was given a hospice nurse 24 hours a day. The night of May 14, I remained by her bed, holding her left hand as I caressed it, speaking to her softly about how everything will be fine. Suddenly finding the struggle to place her hand behind my head, she pushed my head closer to her face. Confused to what my Mom wanted, she softly kissed my right cheek of my face, saying ever so quietly, "my sweet baby..." Smiling as I kissed both sides of her face, I said to her I loved her. Keeping her hand held into mine, I remained by her side until she fell asleep.
As her condition slowly got worse, she fell into a coma state, sleeping for a majority of the day. While seated in the living room, speaking to my landlord about my apartment, the male nurse watching over my mom came to me in a hurry. Her breathing was as if water was filling her lungs, the bubbling sound was unsettling, but I stayed regardless. Holding her left hand, caressing her silky smooth skin, her breathing grew wider apart. Like a fish out of water, she took a few last breaths, and she was gone.
Watching the woman who gave birth to me, laid with her eyes partly open, I closed them shut, and continued to hold her hand as I cried like a baby. I have lost a part of my soul. Never have I felt such a pain, a deep sorrow that ripped the deepest of my foundation. I wanted to die, since I couldn't bare knowing my Mom was gone.
Family and friends would try to comfort me by stating she isn't suffering any longer and is at peace, it still didn't fill in the empty void left of her absence from my life. Finding myself staring at an image of a time a few years ago when we went to the zoo, we state on a wooden bench to rest. Laying my head on her shoulder, I was very close to my Mom, her voice of her birthday party from last year bringing me chills that runs down my spine.
Scrolling through my contacts on my phone, her number listed under, "Mom", remained, and for a second, I thought of removing, seeing there was no point of keeping it. Staring at the delete button, I didn't have the heart to remove her from my contacts. As I am writing this, she remains in my phone, and find myself wishing to call her to share with her something exciting that happened to me that day; only to stop myself to know she won't be answering.
It's May 31, 2013, and I still find myself filled with pain, and still grieving the loss of my Mom. Nothing will ever bring her back, and I am filled with guilt to celebrate my upcoming birthday in June, since she loved celebrating birthdays with the family.
I would give anything just to lay my head on her lap, as she caresses her fingers through my dark hair, her voice comforting me while she sings to me.
I miss you Mom, and your absence has left a huge hole in my life. :(