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AND IT STARTS AGAIN

by Zoe
(Maryland )

You think that maybe you are making steps forward. Well even if you do not life pulls, you forward and you are along for the ride. So there is movement. I hold on to a tiny string that keeps me here, I thought it would be stronger as time went by, but I was wrong. It gets weaker with the weight of my grief.

John was a truck driver. He owned his own company, he owned his own truck. He was so proud of all that he had accomplished, and I was proud of him. It was so much a part of him. Every night I Look at John’s picture and I look at his truck. He had to put it for sale when he got sick but it was at the Kenworth dealership where we were living. We went there together so many times. He would come home, we would take the truck in for service, then pick it up and move it to the yard until it was time for him to go. It was us, him sneaking up as if he was 20 climbing over the back of his pickup to surprise me as I sat waiting for him to drop it off. Just seeing him drive and smile at me, following him to the yard.

Seeing the truck on such a familiar place was like having a piece of him still. It was him, it defined him. We were in there together, I know every nook, I helped him clean it out when he got home or I would climb in and play around telling him I was going to learn to drive.

Saturday it was gone, they sold it.
The therapist said I should transfer my attachment to another object, I have so many. I could not make him understand, this was HIM. I have lost him again. Yes, there is a logical piece of my mind that says I knew they would sell it, but I DO NOT CARE. Another piece of the reality of him is gone. He died all over again this weekend. I cannot stop crying.

I can't do this, he had a company he was a truck driver and all of everything is just gone
I don't want to be here without him
I can barely smell his scent on the bag of clothes I have from the hospital
It's like he died all over again
I can't stand loosing him again
I just want to be with him he had such a hard life he should not have died
Oh god the little string I was holding onto is unraveling
I cannot do this without him.

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AND IT STARTS AGAIN

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Wondering how your doing...
by: Hope

I think of you Zoe and all that have taken this miserable journey with me. We all lost our Loves and who we were at about the some time. I wonder how everyone is and I the only one being pulled back towards grief as the Holidays rears its ugly head once again. I heard some people say that the 2nd year is harder. Last night at grief counseling the newbies asked me if the 2nd year was harder than the first....It was a difficult expected question. One I myself would have asked during the 1st year of grief. As though we could measure and decide how much pain we must endure.

I told them that the 2nd year of grief was...
different. We tried to survive the day and the anniversaries that brought such searing pain to our hearts.

The 2nd year we are all too aware that this is the way that it is. It is what it is passes though my mind somewhat sarcastically. Am I adapting to grief? To this new life thrust upon me? Yes I suppose that I am. I am learning to be "me" all over again as though I am going through a 2nd puberty (caused by grief). I am finding out my strengths and weaknesses and forgive my self more readily. I also have very little tolerance for the bullshit games that people play. Life is too short and I know it.

I try not to be bitter and let joy into my life as much as possible. I/we were meant to life life to its fullest for them even when they are gone. It gives them much pleasure to see us happy. It is what they want for us and what we would have wanted for them had the roles and destiny of life been reversed.

It's not easy nor will it ever be. But through grief we have an insight that only utter sadness can bring. The appreciation for Life after their death...
HH

Thank you
by: Zoe

I do not want to be here without him.
I cannot do this without him.
I do not know what I will do
but I do know that the grip that I still have
has alot to do with this site, and all of you,

thank you
Zoe

1 step, 1 breath at a time
by: Patricia

Why do we walk the walk alone? We have friends and family around but no one can walk in our shoes. Selling, giving away or put things away rips the fiber of our souls. But this we will endure and move to the next step. The vortex is spinning out of control and we're expected to be grounded and move forward. So never fear, I and those here are walking with you. The healing is slow and hard coming, but it will come. Moments in time ~ others better. You'll have starts and stops along the way. I've had many.
Always remember ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

and it starts again
by: Jules

I know what you are feeling - I am hurtling towards the first anniversary of my darlings death - my son in law has suggested that we all go down the coast to a friends unit on that weekend, it is a place my husband would have loved, right on the water. I think we will do it. I will need to be not alone at that time, I think.

I feel a bit selfish in my grief, sometimes, I mean I do care that my daughter and son lost their dad - but I feel my loss is greater. I am the one who has to go through paperwork, make sure the bills are paid etc., all on my own. I have papers in files that I need to get, but I know the death certificate is in there, I don't want to look at it again.

I too have the feeling sometimes, that I am making progress, then something happens, and I fall backwards into grief again. I am so glad I found this site - it is my "therapy", my saviour, my lifeline, the place where I can express myself without fear.

One foot in front of the other, don't bottle your feelings up, express them, let people know how much it still hurts - let people help you. Most of all, keep living, keep your memories alive, and survive.

Stay strong
Jules

2 steps forward 3 steps back
by: HH

Zoe,

I know about the progress, thinking that you are making it and like a stick cast into the river the tides just bring it back.

I am somewhere near the end of my journey of grief. Oh it will always be there but somehow the painful acceptance of this new life is being thrust upon me.

Just when we think that we are heading towards some imaginary finish line a memory puts out its foot and trips us. We go tumbling into the past the familiar the comfortable.

I guess the closest that I can come to your experience with his truck is the garage out back that holds a lot of Paul's memories. Especially this time of year Halloween out favorite holiday.
Going through the huge tupperwears of props, fog machines, years of things that he or we had collected over the years. Not wanting to look through them yet forced to for my son. I have given the job of decorating to him. Passed on the responsibility to him as it is too painful to me.

My best to you through this journey this painful journey that we must all go through unwillingly.
You have got this far and will go further.

My very best to you.

HH

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