...and just like that, it was the end...
A mutual friend of ours introduced the two of us via Facebook, a "Someone I know wants to chat with you" text came to me late September 2010 while I was going about my newly single(from an 8 year marriage)and wonderful life and I responded with "Ok, this isn't a set up, is it? This guy knows I don't want a relationship right? Oh wait, he lives in an entirely different city, 5 hours away..."...
After a few "hello, tell me about yourself" facebook chats, we switched to MSN, then on to the telephone and pretty soon we met face to face. It wasn't what you'd call, love at first meet, but rather on my end a "this is the nicest, most kind human I have ever met in my life, this could be worth something"... approximately 6 months of chatting, and a few face to face meetings, he asked me to be his girlfriend and graciously I accepted. It was amazing how much fun we had and how intimate we were together. It often felt like there was no one else in the world. I fell so deeply in love with him, and his daughter who was 11 at the time. We began to discuss what life would be like if I moved in with him, over to his city, 5 hours away. We started to make plans to live together, both of us excited and looking forward to our future.
I started to withdraw from my groups of friends, step down from my roles in various clubs and groups I was involved with and eventually gave away every. single. item. I owned, save for my clothing and a guitar. About a year after our first facebook message, I moved in to his condo in his city and began to try to have a life in my new home.
The intimacy began to fade, after about 2 months and it became a bit boring and routine, all the while I was regretting my decision to move so soon. I loved this man so deeply though, that the pain and sadness of leaving my home town was worth it... I knew I just needed some time.
About 3 months into our new living situation, we began to have arguments about little things, stupid things... "You laughed so loud it hurt my ears" or "You play your stupid video game, I'll go for a walk" would make the recipient sensitive... then the "Maybe you (I) should move back home" conversation came up, as if things were beginning to unravel a bit and the only solution to the problem would be for things to go back to the way things used to be.. I lived in my home, he lived in his home and we continued on as separate humans who never loved each other at all.
The route of the problem was that, things changed when I moved, and of course... the solution was for me to leave... and go back "home".
Again, I loved this man deeply, and was deeply affected by his quick and rash "go back home" comments and tension grew stronger and stronger between us. Slowly, things we used to laugh about gave us each resentment toward each other until finally, after a one week vacation, and 5 months of living together, we split up.
Much to my arguments, that it wouldn't just fix everything, his persistence had me packing my things into my car and driving the 5 hours home that evening, with my bikini still drying in my suite case from our trip.
I drove back to my home town in tears, filled with questions unanswered, intense sadness and sorrow. I spent the following weeks in solitude. Two months after being back in my home town, I lost my job of 2 years and had to collect unemployment. It's been four months since our break up and currently, I have no worldly belongings, no job and very little hope for the future.
So many unknowns, what ifs and how could you's are circling my mind as I try to wake up each day and move on.
There is no chance for reconciliation, our conversations have been very small, short and cold.
There is an utter loss of purpose on my end and my fears that his moving on is a sign that there was never any love at all.
My thoughts toward relationships are skewed, changed, tainted. My love for this man has not dwindled yet and all I can ask for daily is closure. Some form of closure...
I feel stuck, a prisoner of hope... a prisoner of heart break and I can't move forward.
I had to move back in with my parents and hopefully one day I can reflect and say "That was a rough go..." but there is no end in sight.