andrea

by ak
(california)

In June of 2008, we thought we had it made. His AAA was repaired and although he was SSDI for back and neck injuries we could get by. Early October 2008, I came home to my husband. He acted as though he was angry at me. I asked him what was up and he said I had been ignoring him all day. Perplexed I got in front of him and laughingly thought this was a joke. The look on his face was serious and his face looked a bit contorted. I told him I just got home from work and then he asked 'well who is that woman in the other room?' It was my daughter. She was 23. I asked her if dad had been acting strange. She said he wouldn't speak to her all day and she thought he was just moody or in pain.
Off to the ER. Twelve hours later after xrays, blood tests and a CT scan, a young intern came to our bed and blurted out about the huge mass in his head. We hadn't had a doctor tell us anything.
A week later his first brain surgery confirmed a malignant GBM stage four brain tumor. Four surgeries, 27 trips to the ER, radiation, chemotherapy, infections, blood clots, steroids, glucose shots. All that I had to learn to do. Six short months and hospice. He passed away. I was lost. I soon had to ask for a loan mod to try and save my home. Ten months later the bank refused my loan mod request and foreclosed on me. I filed for bankruptcy. I was a mess. I didn't have time to grieve. I had to go back to work. Work was bad. He used to work there too, so everywhere I turned I faced it over and over. Then two years later his brain surgeons were found to be doing experimental things on GBM patients. All of the pain an grief came back. They ended up resigning their positions. It's now 2014, I just retired early because I cant get through a day of life without crying and falling apart. I'm depressed and sad. I don't have enough money coming in to survive and Social Security hasn't responded to me yet. I'm a wreck. Friends left, family is scarce. I feel completely alone. I'm in physical and emotional pain all the time.

Comments for andrea

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Aug 10, 2014
Andrea
by: Doreen UK

AK If you are able to give us an update on where you are at today in your grief and financial and social conditions this would be appreciated. WE were all so concerned at reading your story of what life has been for you since your husband died. It has been 6yrs. and I hope that life has gotten somewhat easier. On TV at the moment is a Gaither homecoming and the oakridge boys are singing "God will take care of You." try and find the words for this song and keep them safe and read them every day till it goes into your heart and becomes your Daily Prayer. This is our only Hope that GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF US. He promised to and believe me I have to lean hard on God every day to survive the hardships of life especially in my finances when we face this hard battle after we lose our life partner and breadwinner. Look forward to hearing from you. All the best.

Aug 08, 2014
So sorry……..
by: Anonymous

Andrea,

How have you done it so far? How is it possible that you have survived? You are here writing about your grief five years plus having been down a road no one who loses their spouse should have to walk. I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. There is nothing harder than having to face the death of love when the body dies. Nothing. Especially going through all the medical intervention it seems the two of you did to try to save his life. But to add all the other turmoil you faced I can only say that I honor your ability to keep going.

I have been through only a small fraction of the kind of adversity you have been through and at a year and half I cannot get through a day without crying (many days are just total losses). There is simply nothing to compare to what being left behind to pick up the millions shards of glass are like unless you have had to do it. I can’t help you but I can feel how hard it has been for you because I have tried to start over too. I can only say that the aloneness, the sadness, the requirement that we keep paying bills even though we cannot work is something I am living as well so I know how you are feeling. I’ve had to make some hard decisions to shrink my life as small as I can so I can manage. So I will hope for you that SS will respond quickly and you can have a little something for some base security.

I have come to a place in my own mind that if I have to cry or pull back then that is what I do. We all just try to do what we can because our body, mind and spirit are not capable of more. I hope you can find enough financial security to live small and then have some time to process what you have gone through. It certainly was never what we thought our lives we would be like is it? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and life was never cushy but knowing that I am not crazy for feeling like I do somehow relieves some of the pressure that builds everyday. May your own situation get better so you have some safety in your surroundings. I wish for you some peace.

Aug 05, 2014
Sympathy
by: Lawrence

Dear Andrea,
What a terrible ghastly story, you have been through so much grief and pain. my heart cries for you.
I always thought America was a caring country; surely there must be help available from the social services or some organization, you can’t be left to face this nightmare alone,
You have joined a web site where we all are suffering from the loss of a precious partner and it gets no easier as the month and years pass..
It is now nineteen months since my own beloved wife died after we had been together for nearly seventy years and although the tears don’t fall so quickly, the anguish and heartache will always be there, I miss her dreadfully. but I daily thank God for sharing her with me for such a wonderful long time..
There are no words in any language to give you comfort, I only wish there were, but read all the contributions to this “Death of a Spouse” site and perhaps you will see you are not alone, sharing our grief seems to help, it certainly helped me when I didn't want to face the future alone.
With my deepest sympathy
Lawrence

Aug 05, 2014
Andrea
by: Doreen UK

AK I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. This is a hard time for you when you have very little income to sustain normal life. It is distressing enough losing a husband who is normally the primary breadwinner and then you lose your income, home, friends, family, self-esteem. You would feel as if your world has come crashing in on you. Life is so very unfair for so many people after losing their life partner because so much has to be sorted out at a time when you are not able to cope with this immense responsibility and juggling of finances and where to live.
Many people lose friends and family at a time when they need them the most. Start by TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. Then build yourself up by doing special things for yourself every day till it becomes a way of life. You will start to heal and your world will not feel so bad till you are able to take on the other responsibilities. Make a priority list of things you need to do and work your way down this, altering the list as you need to. Adding and taking things off the list. Don't keep it all in your head as it will feel that much heavier of a burden.
If you are able you can rent out a room, or your garage just to get an income.
My husband of 44yrs. died 2yrs. ago to a deadly cancer. I always wanted to convert our home into two apartments/flats. He was not interested in this. I have retired now and most people at retirement downsize their homes and prefer an income and less house cleaning. It would have worked well for us now and the money would have helped. Now all I can do is to rent out one room as opposed to a sealed off apartment that would have worked better. I have my last daughter living at home and this would have worked for her when I die, it would have solved her problems of living in a smaller apartment instead of a high maintenance house. I am usually a forward thinker but not everyone is like this. I guess as our circumstances change we have to look at ways that will help us cope with the challenges of living on a daily basis that are changing all the time. Life is certainly not easy and our lives have been altered forever. It is going to take us a whole lot longer to grieve our loss and to move forward, but doing it one day at a time is much easier.

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