by Barbara
(Athens, AL)

On Jan 29th of this year I got the call every parent fears more than anything in this world. My son had OD'd and was gone. He wasn't found for about 90 minutes so there was no hope in resuscitating him. I was in Alabama and he was in Texas. I couldn't go to him, all I did was scream for what seemed like a very long time. The days that followed were like a dream I couldn't wake up from. Andrew had a long history of drug abuse, he had been in drug court as a juvenile, to no avail, eventually he was kicked out after 3 urine screens that were positive. He joined the Army in lieu of being on probation, which the court agreed to. During that time he met and married a young girl who immediately got pregnant while they were in Korea. The marriage was not really very stable from the very beginning as they were both so immature and she already had another child 4 months old when he met her. Ultimately he was discharged early from the Army because of positive drug screen. No matter what he did drugs were always what controlled his life. He was good at convincing me he wasn't using and now looking back I see how much in denial I was because I believed him when he told me he wasn't doing drugs anymore. Andrew had a very high IQ and was able to talk about any subject, he played guitar and sang, and was very sweet and laid back.. He had a smile that would melt your heart. He loved his kids with all his heart. He just couldn't stop doing drugs no matter how hard the tried. He would go cold turkey many times and be really really sick but he would stick it out until he was clean. He did not want to be an addict, but he just couldn't stop. Every-time something good would happen in his life it would always fall apart and he would turn back to drugs. My heart is broken beyond repair, I have spent the last 8 months reading book after book on the Afterlife, went to a special therapist who helps you make contact, and now I'm in therapy every week. There is nothing on earth in the human experience that can compare to losing a child. I wanted to die every single day for months, not because I didn't want to live, but because the pain was unbearable. My Mom died Aug 28th, just one month ago and now I am dealing with that too. I am desperate for some kind of hope, help, sign, that they are still with us. I have had some really remarkable things happen, but I can't go into it here. I don't understand God anymore, why did he take my Mom so soon after losing my son? How are people supposed to cope with so much pain without wanting to end it all? I feel like my life will never be worth living again. I have a wonderful husband and another adult son who is also in therapy. Yet I can't even function anymore, I feel like I am stuck in this ocean of grief and there is no way out. Everyone keeps telling me I have to let go, what does that mean? How do you let go of half of your soul? I walk around feeling like I have no direction, no compass to guide me out of this dark place. Thanks for letting me tell my story. My heart goes out to all of you who know exactly what I'm talking about. I still can't look at his pictures so I can't post his pictures yet.

Comments for Andrew

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Sep 28, 2014
Thank you Dorine UK
by: Barbara Mahan

Thank you for ministering to me in such a pure way Dorine, I know what you are saying is true. I have a long history in Christianity. I had lost my way spiritually in some respects even before any of this happened. Through all this pain I have come to realize that most of our problems in lfie are because we see ourselves as a body with a spirit, not a spirit with a body. I have to learn to have this new relationship with them through the eyes of my spirit not the limited vision of human experience which converts all things through the filter of our human mind and emotions. God has revealed this to me. We can stay connected if we put aside the illusion that death is final. That is what I struggle with everyday, it seems so final. I beleive Jesus came to show us who we really are in our spirit form which is our real "self". He proved there is no death, and life is eternal, it is not just is KNOWING it to be true. I think when we lose someone we enter through that narrow gate because we have no other way through the pain. I am slowly going through the gate, I appreciate your prayers and I truly am sorry for your loss as well. I will hold you in my heart and prayers.

Sep 28, 2014
Please Join us at the new forum
by: Jennie

Please click on "The Grief Club" button on the left for access to the Forum. We want to keep this online grief resource going and need your help!

Sep 28, 2014
Doreen, Please contact me
by: Jennie

Hi Doreen from UK, Judith from California, Pat from Green Bay, Lawrence from UK and Anonymous MI:

Could you please contact me via "Contact Us" button to the left? I need your help. Thanks so much!

Sep 28, 2014
by: Doreen UK

Barbara I am sorry for your loss of your son and for the terrible pain you are going through. Grief is the worst pain on earth because you cannot take any anaesthetic or medication for this pain. It goes on forever and you feel you will never recover.
I lost my husband of 44yrs to a deadly cancer 2yrs. 5 months ago. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days before he died. Praying to God for his healing. Feeling devastated when he died. I was angry with God for some time. But I got my Faith back. God has always been my strength, and still is. God is the only one who can really help us by holding our pain till we can cope with this. God is the only one who understands grief pain and can help us heal. But for now take one day at a time and realize that only the body dies and goes back to the earth. Your son's Spirit which is his soul (breath) goes back to God and he is therefore Alive with God in heaven as is my husband and all those who choose to believe. Ask God to hold you up and give you the strength to go on. Don't try to work God out. Just lean on Him more. In time you will be able to come out of this nightmare and be there for your other son and husband who still need you. Don't worry if you can't be the wife or mother you want to be just now. Something major blew your world up into pieces and this is how you feel right now and need to have time to Heal. It could take years to heal from our loss but we do it slowly and with good support from other's. No one has the right to tell you when to move on or to Let Go. LETTING GO is not appropriate when you have lost a child/adult child. I struggled with letting go for over 40yrs. Only when I went into therapy did I resolve my losses and grieve them and able to move forward and in a healthier and happier place emotionally. Letting Go did not remain an issue. These feelings just evaporated with good therapy. I still have to grieve the loss of my husband, but I don't have that RAW UNBEARABLE PAIN that grief brings. This is what you need to heal from. THIS UNBEARABLE PAIN. May God come close to you and strengthen and lift you up and comfort you with His Peace. You will recover from your grief, and Heal from this unbearable pain. God will carry you through this loss and give you His Peace as He Promised in His Word. Just believe this and Hold on to HOPE! We all go through a crisis of Faith and Hope but it doesn't last.

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