Anger, guilt, desperation and love
My 57 year old mother passed away from lung cancer on February 17th of this year. I am 28 years old and an only child. I feel angry that my mom was not given the best treatment from the get go of her diagnosis. I feel angry that she died only three months after being staged. I feel angry that it took so long in this medical system to stage her and to diagnose her. I feel guilt at not doing more than I could have...simple things like cooking healthy soup for her. How come I never really cooked for her when she was alive? Why didn't I yell and become more persistent with the doctors and the nurses when I and my dad were pushed to put my mom on the DNR code while she was still conscious and aware and had told us that she wanted to try to live? I feel guilt at not knowing what to say and ask my mother when she woke up from her coma. I wish I could have asked more......she could barely breathe and she waited for me to tell me she loved me and to not be afraid and that it was o.k. She wanted to say more, she wanted to get up from her bed and pull off the oxygen mask and pull the catheter out that the doctors didn't think of taking out. I feel desperate for another chance to talk to my vibrant mother who danced until the day she started suffocating. She had extensive bone metastases and even through the pain she managed to get up from her bed and do a little wiggle dance for us to try to keep us in a good mood. Oh god, I love her so much and I cry every day for her. My mother never wanted to hurt me even though she had been an alcoholic for most of her life. This is the greatest contradiction....I never really had my mother yet she always loved me. She struggled so much with her own pain and grief yet when she needed help the most, she didn't have it. I feel like this is a nightmare. I have images of her last 24 hours...That play over in my head like a horror movie. It hurts to write these words but they need to come out. I love her.