Anger, guilt, desperation and love

by Syl
(Toronto, Canada)

My 57 year old mother passed away from lung cancer on February 17th of this year. I am 28 years old and an only child. I feel angry that my mom was not given the best treatment from the get go of her diagnosis. I feel angry that she died only three months after being staged. I feel angry that it took so long in this medical system to stage her and to diagnose her. I feel guilt at not doing more than I could have...simple things like cooking healthy soup for her. How come I never really cooked for her when she was alive? Why didn't I yell and become more persistent with the doctors and the nurses when I and my dad were pushed to put my mom on the DNR code while she was still conscious and aware and had told us that she wanted to try to live? I feel guilt at not knowing what to say and ask my mother when she woke up from her coma. I wish I could have asked more......she could barely breathe and she waited for me to tell me she loved me and to not be afraid and that it was o.k. She wanted to say more, she wanted to get up from her bed and pull off the oxygen mask and pull the catheter out that the doctors didn't think of taking out. I feel desperate for another chance to talk to my vibrant mother who danced until the day she started suffocating. She had extensive bone metastases and even through the pain she managed to get up from her bed and do a little wiggle dance for us to try to keep us in a good mood. Oh god, I love her so much and I cry every day for her. My mother never wanted to hurt me even though she had been an alcoholic for most of her life. This is the greatest contradiction....I never really had my mother yet she always loved me. She struggled so much with her own pain and grief yet when she needed help the most, she didn't have it. I feel like this is a nightmare. I have images of her last 24 hours...That play over in my head like a horror movie. It hurts to write these words but they need to come out. I love her.

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May 11, 2012
by: Kelli

My mom died April 19, 2012 of lung cancer. She had also been an alcoholic most of her life. But she was still a great mom. I totally understand I keep going over and over those last days in my mind wondering could I have done anything different that might have helped her more. I guess I never realized the physical changes that would happen as a result of lung cancer. I feel your pain. It is the hardest thing to go through. At some point we have to realized that she had the worst kind of cancer, and even with the best of treatment she couldn't have survived long. I am trying so hard to focus on the positive and try to be the best mother I can be to my children to honor my mother.

May 08, 2012
by: Anonymous

Only those of us who have lived this hell can understand it.My vibrant active mother died 13 months ago 13 days after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I am also an only child and 46 YEAR Old orphan as my father also died of cnacer 9 years ago. My mother suffered the pains of hell the last few days if her life and i never left her side. She was also misdiagnosed when she went to the doctor two years ago. I should have advocated more for her as i was all she had biy no i believed them that she was ok until it was too late to help her. My guilt is going to kill me i can't stand how much i miss her each and every second of each day and i have a hard time imagining living life without her it is just awful. No good byes no nothing she left not telling me anthing i have so many things i wished i had said to her and asked her i would give anything to have her back to tell her how much i love her and miss her.

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