Anger turned sideways

by Zoe
(Maryland)

Anger turned inward is depression, what about a completely irrational anger, an anger turned sideways, what is that, oh that is grief too.
Steve Jobs died yesterday. We have all seen the news and read the blogs, everyone is sorry; it is a sad loss to the world. And that small logical portion of my brain agrees, after all he leaves behind a wife and children.
And his wife was with him, I know how that is, watching what pancreatic cancer does to someone. So why am I angry?
Because he had the same cancer John had, they did the whimple on him that they would not do on John; they gave him the liver transplant they refused for John, even though I was willing to be a donor. Why did he get the surgery and my John did not? Why did he get a scan early, when they had John in the hospital when his sugar shot up and said well middle-aged man over weight, diabetes? What else could it be?
I remember yelling at John's doctors that he was as good no he was a better man than Steve Jobs why can't he have these surgeries, why are they doing NOTHING. The doctor told me in that soft o so understanding voice, that John's cancer was too far along for a whimple or a transplant. The liver was too far engaged. I remember looking at the doctor saying why does Steve Jobs get to buy time and we do not, he said in the big picture he bought days.
And from the moment I lost John I have held a white-hot hatred of Steve Jobs and the injustice he stood for. Now mind you, John held no such feelings. However, John was a better man that I will ever be.
When Jobs resigned I remember looking at a picture of him and my feeling my stomach wrench forward I know that look, I know that slightly yellow tint, I know that walk. I knew, and I knew he was near the end. And I tried very hard to make myself feel, pity or sadness. However, I could not.

Yesterday was John's birthday, his second birthday since he was taken from me. I went to work, cried, worked, cried, went home, wept for the loss of him, then this news came across, and I felt, what did I feel vindicated, no that is not right...I felt like he owed John this. Jobs owed it to John to die on a day that was his special day.
Now before everyone grabs his or her rational/irrational meters and checks, yes I know where this lands. Was this anger a way to redirect some of the mind numbing grief, maybe, but I know how he died, I lived it, there is nothing that all his power and all his money did to change the end. I know what his wife saw, I was there with John every minute to the end. I know this, so how can I knowing what I know feel.. I am not even sure how to describe this.
What I can say is that I am absolutely sure he owed this to my John. And my John would not be happy with me thinking such things. But he had no right to more life than my John. He had no right. Of course, he did, if they had given us that option, knowing others may not get it, I would have taken it and run.
I know all these things, but the truth is in my heart, he owed this to my John. Not rational and not even right. But it is how I feel. Now mind you, I am not glad he is dead. After loosing John, I would not wish this on anyone even my worst enemy. But I think that my worst enemy has changed, it is death, death that robbed me of my John, who taunted us with time then ripped it away. My beloved John, who I loved with all my heart.
Yesterday was his birthday, and death chose another body to sacrifice. I should feel.. something, different than I do.

I love you John, I always have I always will. I cannot do this without you, I do not want to.

One breath, one step. One day at a time.

Comments for Anger turned sideways

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Oct 13, 2011
I understand your anger
by: Matthew

I am angry when I see others with their loved ones, and I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe it is misdirected anger or not. If it relieves the pain you feel, then go with it. Rational or Irrational we can't beat our selves up over how we feel. Feelings are important even if we don't want to feel it at times. It lets us realize where we are in our stage of grief. I feel my grief will always be there, and if so well that is ok. I try to move forward on my loss but I am not ready at this point. Others say I need to accept my loss but I don't accept it. Am I wrong I don't think so. We are all human and we have our own length of times on getting over different losses. Hang in there and feel what you feel, and don't rationalize how you feel, just feel it. You don't have react on it just feel it and try your best to move forward. One baby step at a time is the only way we can deal with pain. God Bless my prayers are with you always. Matthew

Oct 09, 2011
Don't you cry no more...
by:

Zoe,

I have had a recent return of anger. It surprised me to say the least. I thought that I was past all that but I guess that it can surface at any time whether it is the beginning of grief or the tail end.

Halloween is upon us I have many good memories of Halloween Parties past. Last year Halloween felt...so lonely and I swore that I would never celebrate another without him. But this year I am beginning to just get an inkling of of excitement. And for that I am grateful.

I know that he is with me always but going to a Chili Fest yesterday seeing couples embracing still has its sting. When Kansas played Dust in the wind I cried, Not bawling but still the tears came down unexpectedly. But as I left they sang their final song Carry on Wayward son. I turned back towards the stage as I heard...

Carry on my wayward son.

For there'll be peace when you are done.

Lay your weary head to rest.

Don't you cry no more...

Just look and listen the signs are all around you if you just give it a chance and don't assume it is coincidence. I did but now its a smile and a bit of comfort the music that comes on the radio.
The pennies that you find on the ground, look at the date does it mean anything to you? It may sound crazy and I thought I was at first. I hope that you watch for the signs and the peace that comes with them...
HH

Oct 08, 2011
Anger going sideways
by: Judy

Zoe,

We feel what we feel whether it's rational or not.
Don't feel bad about it. Own and know this is just where grief is taking you. All of us have had irrational moments. It better to roll with it instead of trying to logic it away.

Life is unfair sometimes. It stinks but there it is. We just have to keep going. You can do this.

JM

Oct 08, 2011
Spiritual me to Anger sideways
by: M Mack

Zoe,

I feel your pain and know you're going through alot of agony stemming from your grief. It's not fair that your journey with John was downhill when the privileged had a ray of hope. Life's not fair and God sends us mixed signals at times. We need to focus on the big picture. If being called home is as glorious as they say it is, then rest assured, John is where he is safe, happy and free of pain. Let's pray that the real life begins in eternity and know our soulmates will be waiting for us when the lights go out. We are on an experience here on earth, going through the ups and downs of life. Please keep your spirit up and take the baby steps to slowly conquer your grief. I'm doing the same and want all to be free of anger, light hearted and content before passing into the next life. Let the sunshine in and look for your ray of hope. It's there in front of you.

Oct 07, 2011
Understandable Anger
by: Judith in California

Zoe, Your anger is very understandable. I too felt slighted with Chuck's care for his Parkinsons Disease. It seemed at the time all I saw was Michael J. Fox on every show but doing better than my Chuck and I resented it. After Chuck's fall all the Doctors said he would regain his normal movements in time and would be okay....ALL LIES! Mr. Fox was out talking and walking standing straight up and my husband was in a wheelchair and could barely use his hands or legs and was loosing his speech. I look back and feel his Neurologist was less than forthcoming with his illness. He didn't seem to want to get involved with the untidy things. He was very vague when I asked questions regarding behavior. I wanted to know all about PD so I had to go online and read . His doctor never told us half the things I read about. But Michael J. Fox could afford all the care in the world. We were just worker bees. There should be fair treatment for all when it comes to diseases with no cure. I guess the only common denominator is that death will take them all at some time as it will take us.
So don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
Take care Zoe.

Oct 07, 2011
All About Money
by: Anonymous

Your story touched Me in a special way and I am so very sorry for your loss. Your story is becoming, I fear, the normal. It only proves that haves and have nots gap is getting wider everyday.I can relate to your feelings. My son died 3 months ago from a drug overdose. I know you will say it was his own fault,and you are right. However I believe he could of recovered, but without money or good insurance it was a lost cause. Like the stars that go in and out rehab just because they have the thousands of dollars it requires just for a couple of days. Your John is just another victim of greed here in the United States. It is getting worse everyday. You have a right to be angry at the injustice of the haves and the have nots. Take care and God Bless You.

Oct 06, 2011
Anger :-( I Hear You
by: TrishJ

Zoe~
I know exactly how you feel. My husband was on the cardiac transplant list and didn't make it to a match. Every time I went to the University of Chicago I saw sheiks from Dubai who I know were billionaires. They flew in on private planes and helicopters. A group of them brought their mother to U of C for a transplant. Although they say everyone waits the same length of time for their turn I often wondered. The UNOS office will not give out any information but you can't tell me just like everything else in this country money doesn't push up the process.
Do you remember when Mickey Mantle was so quick to obtain a transplant? He was in terrible shape when that transplant was done. Don't you wonder? I was told by my husband's doctors that the process is very carefully monitored by UNOS. We had a problem with a doctor from another hospital trying to deny my husband placement on the transplant list (because of his own incompetency). When I threatened to sue all of a sudden he was on the list. I still don't know how hard they tried to come up with a match but I know the doctors on the case are very powerful. It seems that they can make things happen if the spirit moves them.
It's such an emotional roller coaster. To think that they might have a chance ~ then to just see it all taken away. It's beyond heart breaking.
My husband's birthday is coming in three weeks. Our anniversary was difficult, my birthday almost unbearable.
You have a right to feel angry. There is such injustice in this country and it carries over to the world of medicine.
We miss these wonderful husbands of ours don't we?
All we can do is be here for each other and take it~
One breath, one step at a time.

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