Anger turned sideways
Anger turned inward is depression, what about a completely irrational anger, an anger turned sideways, what is that, oh that is grief too.
Steve Jobs died yesterday. We have all seen the news and read the blogs, everyone is sorry; it is a sad loss to the world. And that small logical portion of my brain agrees, after all he leaves behind a wife and children.
And his wife was with him, I know how that is, watching what pancreatic cancer does to someone. So why am I angry?
Because he had the same cancer John had, they did the whimple on him that they would not do on John; they gave him the liver transplant they refused for John, even though I was willing to be a donor. Why did he get the surgery and my John did not? Why did he get a scan early, when they had John in the hospital when his sugar shot up and said well middle-aged man over weight, diabetes? What else could it be?
I remember yelling at John's doctors that he was as good no he was a better man than Steve Jobs why can't he have these surgeries, why are they doing NOTHING. The doctor told me in that soft o so understanding voice, that John's cancer was too far along for a whimple or a transplant. The liver was too far engaged. I remember looking at the doctor saying why does Steve Jobs get to buy time and we do not, he said in the big picture he bought days.
And from the moment I lost John I have held a white-hot hatred of Steve Jobs and the injustice he stood for. Now mind you, John held no such feelings. However, John was a better man that I will ever be.
When Jobs resigned I remember looking at a picture of him and my feeling my stomach wrench forward I know that look, I know that slightly yellow tint, I know that walk. I knew, and I knew he was near the end. And I tried very hard to make myself feel, pity or sadness. However, I could not.
Yesterday was John's birthday, his second birthday since he was taken from me. I went to work, cried, worked, cried, went home, wept for the loss of him, then this news came across, and I felt, what did I feel vindicated, no that is not right...I felt like he owed John this. Jobs owed it to John to die on a day that was his special day.
Now before everyone grabs his or her rational/irrational meters and checks, yes I know where this lands. Was this anger a way to redirect some of the mind numbing grief, maybe, but I know how he died, I lived it, there is nothing that all his power and all his money did to change the end. I know what his wife saw, I was there with John every minute to the end. I know this, so how can I knowing what I know feel.. I am not even sure how to describe this.
What I can say is that I am absolutely sure he owed this to my John. And my John would not be happy with me thinking such things. But he had no right to more life than my John. He had no right. Of course, he did, if they had given us that option, knowing others may not get it, I would have taken it and run.
I know all these things, but the truth is in my heart, he owed this to my John. Not rational and not even right. But it is how I feel. Now mind you, I am not glad he is dead. After loosing John, I would not wish this on anyone even my worst enemy. But I think that my worst enemy has changed, it is death, death that robbed me of my John, who taunted us with time then ripped it away. My beloved John, who I loved with all my heart.
Yesterday was his birthday, and death chose another body to sacrifice. I should feel.. something, different than I do.
I love you John, I always have I always will. I cannot do this without you, I do not want to.
One breath, one step. One day at a time.