My sister, died on Monday 23/10/12 at 3.30 am. She died from an aggressive form of front lobal dementia, and suffered terribly for 3 years. She was only 58, and left 2 children, a nephew, my mother and my sister. Although we all knew it was inevitable, nothing could have prepared me for the pain and grief that I now feel. She was only put to rest yesterday, and I have spent the day crying and not wanting to go out. I know my other sister is also distraught and I cant imagine what my poor elderly mother is feeling. The fact is all I have done today is look at her pictures, and listen to the music she used to listen to and cry and sob. I long to have her back again, but I know I will have to wait until its my time, before I can do this. Our lives will never be the same again. At this time I cant bear to be around people. especially anyone who talks about shallow, superficial things, so for now I only want to be on my own, and so does my sister, who I think is feeling even worse than me. I feel that I only want to do spiritual things and would love to go on a retreat, but unfortunately I don't have the money to do this. I don't want to wallow in self pity, I just want to find a way of coping with my grief and nothing worldly will help me to do this.

That's my story and when I feel able to, I will pray for anyone who may have lost a loved one, and feels the same pain as I do.

Comments for ANNE

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Nov 02, 2012
post for Erik from Anne
by: Anonymous

Dear Erik

Thank your for your post, it is one I can relate to as my sister and your mother, were of a similar age, and both suffered before they died.

I have been reading a lot about grief since my sister's funeral on Monday, and I think there are many websites which cover the various stages of grief. This will not take away the pain, but at least it may help you to understand that what you are feeling, is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process.

Don't feel guilty about watching films as a distraction. In my opinion, watching films (dependent on the type), is a good distraction, in moderation. Also, walking the dog (if you have one) or caring for a pet, is another healthy distraction.

Also, I read on one the the grief blogs, that making a picture collage and/or writing down your feelings about your loved one, helps the grieving process.

The only thing not to do, is turn to drugs or alcohol for comfort, because these only offer a temporary escape and as you are probably already aware, do absolutely nothing but harm, long term.

Grief is an unavoidable thing and in my opinion, the only way to get through it is to go with it in whatever way it takes you. It is probably one of the hardest things we will ever have to go through in our lives. I thing being with family is the best thing at this time and keep on keeping on, regardless.

Oct 31, 2012
Lost my mother on 10/24/12 around 3a.m.
by: Doreen U.K.

Erik I am so very sorry for your loss of your mom. Mom's are a very integral part of our lives. They nurture us and are responsible for our total wellbeing. I am a Mom with 3 Adult Children. My youngest is almost 32yrs. She still lives at home. I lost my husband of 44yrs. marriage to cancer 6 months ago so we are also on this tough Grief journey.
There are no easy solutions to grief. it is different for everyone. Depending on the nature of the relationship. You could try grief counselling which is always a good thing to do. It will take the edge off grief pain when it is so intense. You can also keep and write a journal all about your mom. Write anyway you wish in letter form. or in dialogue like you are talking to her and telling her everything you are feeling about losing her. Take one day at a time. If you try and move too quickly out of grief you will make things worse.
Do not feel guilty if you watch a movie or do anything to distract you. DIVERSIONS are good and very HEALTHY. I do this all the time. You will grieve in stages and at different times of the day and in very inconvenient places. But let it happen when it does. None of us forces grief. It unfolds naturally, and normally.
Erik no one can deal with Grief 24/7, It will be forced. Grief unfolds naturally. A thought, a memory, a favourite song, stumbling accross a letter with your mom's handwriting. anything related to your mom can trigger off pain and emotion. You will find yourself crying unexpectedly and not understand why? even if there was no memories. The crying and grief pain will one day get less because healing is taking place inside of you. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. But don't try hard to. Also don't feel guilty if you are enjoying yourself with family or friends. This is normal. I am glad you PRAY. That is a very important part of HEALING. ~Connect with God. If you have a BELIEF & FAITH. YOU WILL ALL SEE YOU MOM AGAIN when Jesus comes back to earth for us. Keep HOPE alive in your heart.

Oct 31, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your sister. Grief is a long painfull journey for everyone. We each have to handle this in our own way. there are no set rules. Find your own comfort zone. If you don't feel like going out this is normal. I don't want to do anything. Go out. Go shopping. Cook. I do what I can when I can, and it works for me. But please don't use the expression SELF PITY. This should not be used when GRIEVING. Our worlds have been turned upside down. Many of us for the first time are having to think of ourselves. I lost my husband 6 months ago from cancer. I have been forced to think of myself for the first time. I don't like it, but in reality I exist and have to think of ME. As a wife and mother we normally and naturally put the needs of our families first. We wouldn't have it any other way. We can't escape the ME. So we might as well do something about it.
Since you want to focus on the spiritual things in life perhaps if you are attached to a church you can find out if the church does retreats. They are usually very uplifting, spiritual, people coming together, supportive, loving, and cheaper than doing this by oneself. Unfortunately the time of year does not lend itself to retreats but there may be an appropriateone that suits you. Connecting with Sprititual things should help you heal better from your grief.

Oct 30, 2012
Lost my mother on 10/24/12 around 3am
by: Erik

I just wanted to write a response to your message and tell you that I am so sorry for your loss and the things you were saying could easily be said by me they are so similar. I lost my mother on October 24, 2012, in the early hours of the morning around 2am to 3am. I am feeling so lost and broken and miss her so unbelievably much. She had just turned 57 a month and a half before, but she had severe diabetes which had caused her to have a triple bi-pass at age 43 due to the diabetes causing her to have other complications such as high blood pressure, hyperlipidemia, and eventually congestive heart failure. All of her issues were due to hereditary factors and though she tried her best to stay healthy by not smoking or drinking and eating healthily, she eventually got worse and worse and lost her lower leg below the knee a year and a half ago which confined her to a wheelchair nearly all of the time. I seems so unfair that me, and my two younger sisters have lost their mother who loved them so unconditionally. It hurts so unbelievably much. It was unexpected and she was alone at the time, due to my stepfather being in the hospital overnight. He was always with her except for this one time and that was when her heart gave out. She was found with eyes and mouth closed so I pray so much that it happened fast and it was not painful and maybe she was asleep or maybe fell unconscious first. She suffered through so much in her life that I hope she was spared the pain of death. I know this is turning out longer than expected, but I am so stricken with grief that I just need someone who understands. Nothing can compare to the pain of losing a mother. It just rips a whole in your heart and leaves you feeling so empty and cold inside. The funeral was yesterday, so the pain is still very fresh. I, too, do not want to be around people, especially when they talk about such superficial things. I want to scream at them and make them feel my absolute pain and make them understand. No one can understand unless they have been there and you seem to relate based on your post. The only thing that helps is knowing she knew I loved her so much and would have done anything for her, as she would have done for me. Prayer helps a lot as well, maybe even the most, after having a good long cry. I just pray she is better off now, in Heaven with Jesus and no longer in pain. Do you have any suggestions on how to cope and healthily grieve the loss? I try to distract myself by trying to get wrapped up in a movie but then I feel guilty for trying to distract from my pain, but I honestly can not deal with this 24/7 without some sort diversion. But then I feel guilty for trying to feel something besides pain or even try to gradually move on. I feel I'll never be happy again. I am a 33 year old male, by the way, with two younger sisters. We are all in so much pain, and I wanted you to know I do relate so much to your words...Erik

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