I went back home for most of June and first part of July - first time since my father passed Dec 09. June is a hard month, I almost wish I waited to July because it's such a painful month, but I thought maybe being there would help - overall, I think it did. Even though you are surrounded by memories everywhere you look and even though it stings, it still helps somehow. June 4 - Daddy's birthday, June 6 - 1 1/2 yr mark, and June 19 - Father's day. It was rough, but I think I was a lot stronger being with so many people - when you are alone in your own thoughts, you become so much weaker. I've realized that I have grown a lot stronger now, I don't NEED people to distract me, or need to be alone so I don't have to face anyone in such a sad state - I'm just able to be (relatively) normal... Still battling different battles, but overall I'm surviving.
Anyways, the last week I was there my boyfriend came up with me. We got to announce the engagement to my parents, family, and friends. I knew I wouldn't be able to show daddy the man I love, the ring that he gave me, the dress that I bought, or to receive his blessing - but I had two mothers who loved me very much that would just as graciously do so. It wasn't until I left home and back to my "home away from home" that I realized how much it hurt to think about my wedding coming up and finalizing plans just to notice I don't have a daddy to walk me down the aisle and give me away and to have a father-daughter dance with. And, goodness, did that hurt. As it gets closer and the wedding becomes more real, I just see that more and more.
I've got to say that I never would have thought I'd get married this early in life - but I never expected that if I did, my father wouldn't be around to attend...
Everyday is a battle. Everyday is going to have a different struggle, different memory, different hurt. And, every holiday or special event is going to have a sting no matter how strong you've become. All we can do is get stronger by remember that they didn't leave us, they weren't taken from us, and it didn't happen so we would be in pain. Though it is hard to remember these things when you are mourning, please tell yourself this.