Another Dream; Another Realization
I had a dream the other night. I was having car troubles, I called to let my mom (HH) know that I was going to be late because of my car; but my dad answered the phone. He said, "Are you here?" And I said, "No, daddy, my car is giving me trouble, but I'll leave now. I'll be right there." I rushed to my car, not caring one bit if there was something serious wrong with it, so I could get home to see my dad. I got there and H was there, and so was my brother, but no dad. I was so confused, trying to piece things together, but it was as if nothing happened or nothing was going on. Like things were just normal... I was so upset after this dream. I thought to myself, "WHY? Why would I have such a dream where I couldn't even arrive in time to see him? This isn't fair!"
And it came to me. It hit me so plainly. I talked to my dad the day before he died; and when I got home he wasn't there. Even in my dream, my plan to come home was too late to see my dad. I don't think all of me got over that fact. I don't think any of us did. My dad was such a selfless man he wouldn't even let us know that this particular day was the day- and he knew it. He spared us, but I think part of me is angry that it happened that way. I felt so cheated out of seeing my dad. It's a good realization though. It's good to find out why you have the dreams you have and what they mean. This will only help me grow.
I battle accepting what happened everyday, sometimes without realizing that I do. I hope we all realize a little something each time that we have a flash of memory or a dream of our loved one and understanding that this is an everyday battle, but on some days it is the easiest of battles and those days, the days you don't remember battling as hard as the rest are the days you know you'll survive. I hope we can all grow a little bit more each day into being okay. Because if anything, being okay will be more than good enough for those who've experienced a loss.