Another long, lonely holiday weekend

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

Well it's Labor Day Weekend, yet another in a series of lonely holidays stretched out before me. Since I lost Barry these holidays are like two sided swords. It's nice to be off work and away from those pressures but they are sad and lonely times. Everyone at work was buzzing about what they were going to do and I cheerfully told everyone I was going to sleep. Actually I wish I could sleep because right now that is the only time I am really happy.

Barry died in November but what would be his final illness started out innocently enough in September with that pesky angina. That started the spiral of stint placement, ruptured femoral artery, emergency surgery, MRSA and an endless string of doctors patting me on the shoulder. I now recognize that as the universal doctor's gesture of really bad news.

Somehow the words out of their mouth didn't convey this though, so I kept believing that everything was going well until I arrived on the final morning to be greeted by the ICU nurse calling our doctor informing him the Barry was "trying to die". This was the beginning of a string of medical personnel "suggesting" to me that I sign a Do Not Resuscitate order. These are the very same people who were also patting me on the shoulder and saying there was one more thing they could try. How I wish Barry could have spoken to me and lifted this burden from my shoulders.

My darling I hope I did the right thing. Dr Abraham said they'd have to keep you alive on machines and I knew you didn't want that. So next time I let you go. Oh God, I let you go. Oh God, oh God I let you go. I let my darling go. I need Barry and God to tell me I did the right thing.

I am starting 75 days of hell again, reliving those final days. I don't know if I have the strength to live this over again in memories. Why do I feel this way? Why am I not stronger?

Comments for Another long, lonely holiday weekend

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Oct 12, 2010
for Judy
by: Mari

I understand Judy and am very sorry for your loss. It is going to take time. In the meantime we are putting up with the heartache.I know the holidays and weekends can be terrible at a time like this.

My husband passed away Nov 22 2009. His heart just gave out.

What I am dreading is my birthday coming up Nov 20th and remembering that my husband had something planned for me but was too sick. He passed away 2 days later.

It has caused me some depression the closer my birthday comes and that fateful morning the police were here. I could not wake my husband and he looked so peaceful I thought he was just sleeping.

Anyway my daughter is making arrangements for all 5 of my children to be here. I do not want gifts just my children. They are my gifts. She is also planning a baby shower for my granddaughter and my husband would have been so overjoyed with a great grandchild, a little girl due Dec 26. We are planning a graveside service too during that time. I will have my pastor there.

I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life without him. I make sure I remain active in my church and try to keep my spirits up. Lately they are down due to the fact that the anniversary of his passing is approaching.

I noticed too that I do not feel as well as I did before and making decisions was something he was better at.

Take care of yourself. Things will get better in due time. I suppose we just have to get to the point of accepting and moving on. I am not ready to move on but realize he is not coming back which is the hardest to deal with. Trust in the Lord for healing.

Sep 10, 2010
A Depends Weekend
by: Anonymous

I'm sitting at my desk crying after reading your lines, overwhelmed with grief and so angy and confused...after six months, this thing we call grief .. I'm drowning in it, floundering and gasping for air, trying to come up to the surface one more time and gulp in sanity. I'm so tired, I don't even have the energy to care. Intellectually, I know that the first year after losing your heart, it's a year of milestones...the first wedding anniversary, the first birthday, the first long weekend. I spent the entire weekend on the sofa wrapped in my husband's bath robe. If I had some Depends, I know I wouldn't have even gotton on the couch!! How incredibly pathetic.

Does anyone understand this crushing weight that doesn't just sit there on your heart, it grasps it in its ugly hand and squeezes until you truly believe it would be better to just have it ripped out. I feel your utter desolation and can offer only understanding, empathy and prayer. My friends tell me that he's looking down on me right now but I know that's not true. Heaven has no heartache and should he look on me now, he would be devastated. That vibrant, funny, goofball he knew has been replaced by this anemic shadow of what I once was. If I could rage agasint the fates, I would.

Sep 06, 2010
I understand
by: KJ

I truly understand how you are feeling. Today is the 6 mo. anniversary of my husband's passing. I also endured the hospital stays, the DNR and my husband not being able to voice what he wanted. We had discussed it in the past and I knew his wishes but I still question myself every day if I did the right thing. I also beg for my husband or God to tell me I did the right thing. My months of hell began last June as medical issues snowballed from one to another. I know how difficult holidays and special days are to get through on your own. No one can truly understand unless they have actually been through it themselves. I will suggest that you speak to a grief counselor. It helped me, it has not made dealing with the loss of my husband easier, but it did help me to realize that what I was feeling was ok. I know I will never get over the loss of my husband but we have to accept that they are gone and look forward to being with our loved ones again some day. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that once we are together again, we will be together forever.

Sep 06, 2010
Letting go
by: Russ

Judy,
Tears come as I read your words. As I read your doubt about whether you did the right thing, I wanted to reach out to you and say Yes! We all must leave this life. There is a point where our bodies become too weak to continue to hold our spirit. But know that nothing is ever lost. Energy is neither created nor destroyed. All things must change. The essence of your husband is not lost - it is now simply transformed. Think of him at his finest hour. Perhaps the day you married, or maybe a day where you were most proud of him. Your husband is now all of this and more. You will see him again. His true being is waiting for you. There is a veil between you, that we do not understand, yet this will be removed in time. As the remainder of your own life plays out make him proud. You cannot know the good that is coming your way. You have more love to give, and more people you will be able to help along the way. In the end there is only love.

With deepest compassion for your loss,

Russ

Sep 06, 2010
TO JUDY IN FLORIDA
by: Anonymous

I read your post and when I got to the last part, you cried out to God you had to let Barry go. This was like a piercing of my heart. I do so feel your pain and anguish.

A year ago as I held my sweet mother in my arms, they kept telling me to tell her it was alright for her to go. I couldn't. I wanted her to stay. But she was so sick, and in a coma. I held her until she left us. My grief was worse than any physical pain. Then 5 weeks ago, I waited, while my dear brother passed away. I can't describe all the feelings I had. But I'm still breathing.

You will go from day to day little by little, seasons will come and go, rain, sunshine,
holidays, but we keep going, because we have to.
Foe those we love, and care for. With the strength of God and the healing of time, you will
make it. It won't be easy. But you will start to heal in little ways. Bless your heart.

Sep 06, 2010
I CAN RELATE
by: Anonymous

Judy, I know exactly how you feel. My husband also died in November and I can relate to what you have written about the hospital. Everything came as a shock after receiving, in my mind, hope.

I met my husband when I was 14 and even after many, many years of marriage he was my best friend and confidante. Now I feel like half of a whole - all the things I enjoyed before don't bring me happiness anymore. I don't feel like a complete person.

Some days I think I am handling things pretty well and then...boom...it hits me. Today I have been crying all morning. Holidays are especially hard...what is there to do without my best friend. I feel my friends don't really "get it" -but then, how could they?

Sep 06, 2010
Grief , It just keeps commin
by: HH

Judy,

Grief is such a bitch. She seems to leave you alone to tend to your life. Having days that you remember but it's nicely tucked away.

Trying so hard to start anew, alone, feeling a certain amount of success mastering it day by day. Then that blackness with sharp teeth, that monster of our nightmares, grief returns as if it were the first day, slamming memories into our brain that we thought we had accepted in some small way.

I too thought after 9 months, TODAY 8/06/10
I would be stronger, and in ways I am. But grief is not forgiving, will not let its grasp of your heart go. I still burst into tears finding a Pink Floyd shirt that still smells like him. Going to a ball game without him, trying to get a ball autographed for my son.

That grief we thought we had shoved way down low surfaces like vomit and rises against our will.
Just know that it isn't just you. And hoping that the days that you can really see the beauty, see it for you, see it for him. Bring a smile to keep the demon bitch grief in her place.

HH

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