Another Night Lone

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Another Night Lone

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

2009

I work, I come home, I'm on the computer and maybe talk to some friends but late at night when the TV is going off I'm struck with the pain, heartbreak and longing for something I can no longer have. Its in the darkness, the midnight hour when I can't sleep when the memories, the missing him so much I feel like I can't breathe I just want to say "I'm done" please as I cry in the night wanting for the love that's gone .... I know, I know.... I've said it so many times but it doesn't stop....
I had a hard day today, I work in the medical profession, and today when I was working I opened the mail and there in the regular mail was a Death Certificate. I couldn't stop myself. I looked and learned the death of someone else and I was transported back in time. Those at work didn't understand, they thought I couldn't handle the job ~ it took me by surprise. I knew with this new job what to expect. I even sent Billy's Death Certificates to those in the medical profession because of our outstanding bills. I knew I would be handling this in my new job. But what I didn't understand is the emotion and feelings just holding someones else's death certificate would overcome me. One moment transferred me back in time. So they saw me have a meltdown... I thought I had it under control...
Again, control is just an illusion...
Another day has gone and I'm discovering the 1 year mark brings me back to day 1. I feel and forward moving I've done this pass months has really not moved me. I can take a song, nothing special but the few words remind me of Billy, it can bring me to tears because I can't stop myself. I have no control where my memories take me. At times it's more than I can bare.
My Elvis has left the building and will never return....
The night's are long and lonely with my heart wanting what it can't have anymore.
May 25th will be Billy's Birthday, days aways and heartache, pain and despair following close behind. I can talk to friends, family and read all the books. Even talk on this site (thank goodness) I feel like my heart is broken, shattered and forever in pieces never to be hole again. I don't understand. Why we feel this pain, why we hurt so much. I love and now lost and for that I will be forever tormented because my other half is gone. Why ?
Memories torment me leaving me desperate and despaired in life. May 21st will be 11 months. Is it my memories from the last 10 months crashing into me? Will I better after the 1 year mark and everything will be hunky dory? I don't think so.
My words are fragmented as my life. So what I feel and what I say comes and goes and move me forward but leave me in the past. No body understands, I'm most likely speaking in works that are not understandable. I just write and hope it helps. So my friends, if it doesn't make sense its the words of a broken heart.
I hate this, I hate being here, I just miss him so much....
So night I'll cry, reach for him but he won't be here... me alone once more in bed again....
but I always try to remember before I go to bed, with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart ~~~~~~~~
1 step, 1 breath at a time.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Another Night Lone

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Not hunky dory exactly but better
by: Judy

Patricia,

You asked if after the one year mark everything would be hunky dory. Well, no, but eventually things begin to seem better and life more hopeful. I doubt if the one year mark really has anything to do with it because the difference isn't a date but gradual shift in how you see life. Somehow life looks better, somehow things make you smile and even laugh out loud. Somehow living alone begins to feel ok, maybe even good in some ways.

You just have to let grief go it's way. You have done extraordinary things, changed states, moved, got a new job, even gone out to dinner alone (a task which I have not tried yet). Give yourself a break. Just let grief take you where it will and don't fight it. It will always win so just let her roll.

The other day a widow of 11 years said to me, you never really get over it, you just get used to the change, the only thing to do is to buck up. Bucking up can take many forms maybe you just have to cry it all away so you can be okay most days. If it works for you, good enough.

Hang on better times really are coming.

JM

Keep the T.V on low better I Love Lucy than the deafening quiet.
by:

Patricia,

I thought there was no grief rougher than new grief the first 6 months were so emotionally painful that I never knew when the meltdowns were coming. Daily at first then when I lasted an entire week I thought I was "getting somewhere"
The 9 month mark just made me angry that I had survived that long without him. It didn't seem right and I certainly did not feel "right" I was looking for some kind of new normal that I had heard about.

When would this metamorphosis occur? When would I feel normal. I kept doing the grief cha cha 2 steps forward one step back and thought if only I can make it to the year mark. The year anniversary was incredibly brutal. Everything was crashing down in my mind the guilt the pain the fear all at once. I truly thought I was a candidate for the funny farm and I mean hah ha their going to take me away hah ha. All those months of standing alone, Not getting grief counseling only going to one meeting(all men in the group they admitted that their dogs missed their wife)

I wanted help Then That Day. Of course I got the we can make an appointment 6 weeks later...

So here I sit come June it will be I year and 6 months since my honey died. I am functioning I even read his Love letters a few nights ago. The bills get Paid (eventually) I shave my legs for no apparent reason even but...Things still aren't right. Better but Not right. For Now, Laugh when your able, cry when you must. It is your grief and no one can tell you how to run the show called Your life... If we can carve out a new life without them we will have earned any happiness that we can find. Regardless of how small the smile is or how briefly it lasts. We will endure grief and become stronger because of it.
One breath one step one day at a time as always...
HH

Reflectons
by: Zoe

That is what we are you know, reflections of what we used to be. We were an "us" a "them" now we are "her", "she" dinner for one.

Just past a year I have come to accept that the pain does not go away. It will be in my core until I die. What happens is we learn to work around it, it becomes a form we can maneuver around. My children's father asked my daughter how I was coping my daughter told him that I was doing better, that my grief had become part of my life, not my total life. Interesting, so grief has become the same to me as having green eyes, or brown hair, it is a part of me. Maybe that is what happens, it takes time to make this thing a part of us we can live with, because we do, live with it.
I do not deal with death certificates, I give them to my assistant, I do not talk to death cases, you would think I would be more empathetic, the fact is, I still have problems feeling other people's pain, because I can still just barely stand my own.
Last night I woke bolt upright at 3am..I realized this morning that John's shirt had fallen off of the bed.
I would give anything to have him back,
now my turn for the tears

so we will hold on to each other as we go through this

one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Aloneness
by: judith in California

Pat,
I feel your hurt and aloneness. You know deep down Billy would want you to be happy and not feel guilty to want a new loving life for yourself. He loved you unselfishly. Please give yourself permission to feel at peace with this "New Normal". This is coming from someone who needs the same advice. I keep feeling guilty if I don't journal every night and tell him I love him and miss him and always will. I feel guilty if I think about wanting someone in my life again. But when I look around there's no one to meet what i had in him just from a glance so I don't go there. Yesterday I took myself out to lunch and went to a place WE used to go and as I sat down I began to cry remembering the times we were there together and seeing a man in a wheelchair didn't help either. I almost got up to leave but I dabbed my eyes and stayed knowing that I Chuck would want me to enjoy my meal and wine.

I too long for "the never can be again". We can't expect that the one year mark will somehow magically make it all better. We all had at least 20 years or more together with our mates so it's going to take a long time for us to get past the pain from the loss of all those years of closeness.

I do pray for us all to heal. Pat , I see a strong woman in you regardless of your periodic setbacks. You will make it to peace and together we will learn to let them go in time so they can have peace.

Another night alone
by: M Mack

Pat,

I do understand this feeling of your heart broken in pieces. You're not alone by all means and special days like birthdays and anniversaries are the culprit. Everyday I pray for strength to get past a memory, live through an anniversary and now the 23rd on May will be 10 months since that dreaded day.

I noticed that when I talk to others who have gone through this they have gone through the same thing-some more- some less intense. They say there is reprieve eventually and as years go by, the tears do lessen. We are probably still is one if those stages of grief and we need to go through this to complete the cycle. We wouldn't want to leave any if this inside, never to get out. If we don't relieve ourselves if the pain and sadness---it's trapped inside, we will have more problems down the road. So go ahead and cry, relive the memories and eventually, we will get tired of sadness and beginning to go forward. Always remember how fortunate we were to have loved so powerful. Consider it a privilege that you were given this opportunity in life.

People at work will understand and if not, they are insensitive. Don't let anyone determine how you should feel but you. Finally, know that at some point in time you will need to let Billy RIP. He loves you very much and will be with you in the next life. I'll pray for you Pat as I do for everyone here to gain strength one breath, one step, one day.....hugs and peace.

Stuck In Love
by: TrishJ

Patricia~
You commented so nicely when I posted about running into the flight for life crew last week. The sound of the helicopter overhead sent me over the edge. In your case a piece of paper brought it all crashing back. That's all it takes.

I really can't advise you too much right now. It's only been 5 1/2 months for me. I've driven by the hospital that sent Joe on the helicopter ride that night and my hands start shaking on the steering wheel. I can only say that you've come a long way and have to keep trying. It gets old though doesn't it? I said in another post, part of me just doesn't even want to try. You are so right. The nights suck!! We can block it out during the day but when it's time to turn the lights out at night and we lay there with our thought tossing and turning........Yuck.
It wouldn't hurt so bad if we hadn't loved them so much.

I hope you have a better day today and a better night tonight. I'll pray for you ~ and me. One breath, one step.

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Another Night Lone