Any other long term carers out there please ?

by Jillian

Dear Friends, If there are any other long term carers out there please be in touch.
Since losing my mum seven weeks ago I have felt such a terrible grief and void. We had been inseperable 24/7.
I cared for her and my disabled brother which I felt priviledged to do for twelve years - since my father died.

She use to call me her mum and I suppose I was because of role reversal. Mum was also there for me giving me courage to get out of a terrible marriage, health problems and more recently two invasive operations. With her beautiful smile, singing voice and acceptance I must have forgot how vulnerable she was.

If any friends on the website have been carers for their loved ones for such a lengh of time they will understand that grief is made worse somehow. I asked a doctor at the hospice. `Can we love too much'? He answered `no as some patients have no tears for them'.
But judging by the inconsolable grief I feel I wonder if this is true. I would appreciate words of comfort.

Comments for Any other long term carers out there please ?

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Jul 21, 2012
Love, Caring, Heart breaking, Understanding
by: Anonymous

I cried and cried to find others who are aching inside as I am. to KNOW I am not alone is a grace in its self. I lost my dear Father, 11/13/2002, after caring for him since 1997, with my dear Mom, my best friend in this life. Then caring for Mom from 2008 to 2/22/11. I did not expect her to die then. she had survived, along with my Dad, a airplane crash in 1981,small plane. I feel so alone with this horrible grief; trying to care for my special needs son. NO one will help.My health is not good at all. I have to sell my home of 25 years AND parents home of 45+ years.It seems impossible to do alone. Exhaustion is paralyzing
Any Ideas? It seems like I just lost Mom, I was numb when she passed. Would like to connect with someone who understands...

Jul 18, 2012
Yes, Jillian
by: Judith in California

Jillian, you were your mothers angel. God bless your for your devotion and care of her. Yes, it seems that those of us who were caregivers to our spouses or other family members are more torn for the wear. It was our daily purpose to care for them and show them love. We did not do it as a duty but freely and selflessly. It was like second nature to fill their need for care. It was done effortlessly with no thought as to what it would do to us down the road. I cared for my husband for 3 1/2 years and when he died I felt the emptiness in my life so much because my purpose had gone away. It is still hard for me ,after 22 months, to care for me as well as I cared for him. I miss him terribly and wish he were back to give my life meaning again. Yes, even with the arguments and all. At least I would fill alive and have the comfort of him beside me and I could reach out and touch him and hear him say I love you, always have always will.
I hope you find the peace ful side of this horrible time. We have to work on ourselves and get up and take are of us the way we cared for them. WE deserve it. the word below is strife and so appropo.

Jul 18, 2012
Me too!
by: Anonymous

Hi Jillian,
My mom and I were unique in a way. My mom was a little girl, trying so hard to be a woman. She was never educated beyond 2 grade. She was made to care for her siblings by her abusive step father. My dad was never really in the picture. I was 8 when I found out she was illiterate but very high functioning, loving and kind. She never had any vices. I devoted my life being her mom. As I married and had children she was my only babysitter. My youngest is now 23 but when he was 4 my mom had a massive coronary. He called 911 and put nitro under her tongue. He saved her life. Five years ago she went into Renal failure, the doctors gave her 4-6 months to live. She lived another 4 years. She died on my birthday in November. I love and miss her every single day. Some of us have a hard time adjusting to loving some so much and having them leave. You are never prepared, you might think you are but not. Since my mother's passing I have lost 7 other family and close friends. I have complicated grief. I work with a Hospice aftercare therapist. It helps some.
I am glad you made a connection online. We can support one another. Email me at any time. Do you skype???
Living heartbroken!

Jul 18, 2012
Any other long term carers out there please?
by: Doreen U.K.

Jillian My heart full of Love comes to you at this difficult time. Your grief is great. I can feel your pain. I feel that you do need some support to continue to care for your disabled brother. This does mean that you are tired. You need a break. You need someone to come alongside and lift you up emotionally, spiritually, and also practically. You need some support from Social Services that makes a difference. Check this out. My sister is caring of our 91 year old father. With her husband. they are both carers. They have been doing this for a few months. the strain is showing. They have got a good care plan put together from social services in Bracknell Berkshire. Recently they got a grant of £500 to go on a weekend break. they also got to go to a carers day where they had lunch and met other carers. Don't suffer alone. Get key people on your side to support you. I Am your friend Doreen. I will keep in touch by email but I wanted to respond here. Because I feel more profoundly your pain of grief. YES! I do think it is possible to LOVE so deeply the grief is great it feels as if your soul is bleeding. You are hemoraghing from the inside. I think Jillian some grief counselling would lift you up at this time. Try and get a grief counsellor to come to your home since you are carer and need to be home. Get Social Services on your side to set this up for you. Let someone know in the medical services what you are going through and how you are feeling. Unless you do this you will feel the full force of this grief battle wearing you down. When you email me express all your feelings. get it out of your system till you feel better. I felt this yesterday. I needed my Steve to hear my pain of what his family are doing to me. Just because I handled the funeral. I was torn to shreds yesterday over the funeral which is over. But today is a new day. My sister is visiting. I am still feeling down. Grief has a language of its own felt all over. It is made worse without support. Without people you trust to talk to and let you be YOU. I was carer for Steve for 3yrs.39days. It only became tiring towards the end. One day both neighbours came over. The doorbell is going. STeve needed to go to the bathroom. the phone was going. Steve was falling out of the bed. STeve's brother came over. I had to open the door. I struggled to get Steve in the wheelchair to go to the toilet. I cried. I said Steve see what is going on. Steve said "That is because no one knows what you are doing." I miss him. I miss his words of comfort. I COULD SCREAM. I feel it all over again. Jillian for you it has been 7 weeks. For me 9 weeks. We are still raw. The pain is horrible. email me as often as you need to. I won't get tired. I am here for you. Will catch up with you on email.
I CARE!!!!!!!

Jul 17, 2012
by: Ella

Hell Julian

I lost my mother 6/12/2012 after she turned 88 on May 11th; my birthday was 6/20th. I cared for her 17 long BEAUTIFUL years. i cried so today that my eyes are swollen after watching the viedo from the furneral for hours. I truly understand what you feel, I always know that GOD will get you/both of us thru this. Mama would always say"it gets darkes before the storm" My storm was sitting by her side daily in ICU as she fought to live....Mama was tired and God needed her more. I brought the "soldier" home to prepared to die with family and friends present, 88 years, tour of duty. What a soldier....

Julian will will pray for all the way from Mansfield Texas. I've been told it will get better..... Let's stay in touch

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