As Christmas Comes My heart Breaks

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Our Last Christmas At Home

Our Last Christmas At Home

I work and work to keep busy because I'm alone. Last year I was with my brother and his wife so I wasn't truly alone through the holidays. This year its different...
I have my own place, I have a job, I have my mother but my heart is aching for my love gone.
I've put up the Christmas tree but there's a shadow of sadness that surrounds it even though the light shine and twinkle.
The Christmas shows are filled with love and family, my family is gone, my Billy and me are apart.
How can a heart hurt so much. All I can think of is "What I want for Christmas" as the song goes but I can't get it.
"I'll be home for Christmas" pulls at my heart, it tears my emotions in to turmoil and pain so deep in my heart I swear it will stop beating... the separation of two hearts that were once one ~
So much happiness to the world but pain and despair in mine, longing and feelings of sadness consume me.
I lay my heart and soul before god and pray my soul to keep and help me journey through the this sea of pain, heartbreak and devastation for a love no longer with me but now with him.
How do I continue.. ???
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year, 5 months....

Comments for As Christmas Comes My heart Breaks

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Dec 05, 2011
Christmas
by: M Mack

Pat,

It's difficult to want someone so much it hurts. I understand and feel your pain. You have to keep working on this new life one day at a time. We are left here to go through this grief for whatever reason God has for us. Sometimes I feel like I'm being tested-how much can she take. Well I'll tell you, they can bring it on, I will deal with this sadness and broken heart one way or another. You need to do the same. Show Billy you can do this. For awhile there, I felt like my love couldn't rest because all I did was ask him to show me he's still here. Yes it is crazy but when you love so deeply...you'll do anything to have him back. Although I know he leaves me little signs of his presence, I always want more! Try to get your strength Pat and find comfort in this life. You deserve to be happy. I pray for all of us going through this terrible time. Take care of you and sending a hug your way.

Dec 02, 2011
As Christmas Comes My Heart Breaks
by: Pat J

Dear Patricia,
As Christmas comes my heart breaks a little more each day. I dread this first Christmas without my Red(his nickname). My children ask me what I want for Christmas. My answer is, what I want for Christmas you can't give me. I, oh so wish the holidays were done and gone. I do know though, that I have to face this first.
He died June 27th, his birthday was July 2nd. I and our children had to face that so soon after his death. I really think his birthday next year is going to be worse, because we all were still in shock of his death.
Do I hurt any less 5 months later-NO WAY. I think I am going to hurt like this for the rest of my life. Red was my life-we did everything together. It is so hard learning now to live my life without him. He had been a part of my life since I was 15 and I am now 64, soon to be 65. I thought we would enjoy our retirement years together. When I finally do retire, it is so sad that I will really be alone. Oh yes, I do have a large family with 5 adult children and 8 young grandchildren, and close friends and his siblings and I have one brother, but I still feel so alone.
We are truly strong women to be able to experience such grief and loneliness, yet make it through each day. Red always told me I was a strong woman, but never really realized it myself until his death.
I am so grateful for this site and all the wo wonderful people on it. We all truly get it and understand oh so well all the emotions we are experiencing.
As far as the holidays are concerned, I got through Thanksgiving and One Day at a Time, I will get through the rest of the year.
God Bless You, and Keep your Faith, our husbands are watching over us. We oh so miss everything about them though. They say time heals, but they never said anything about the length of time.
One breathe, one step, and one day at a time

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