As everyday goes by, the pain of losing you never dies

by Judy
(Walsall in England)

I am a 55 year old single 'child' and my Mum died 29 June 2013. Since she died, hardly any of her family have contacted me, although they were at the funeral throwing their weight around as usual.

After Mum died, because we were in ITU and she had all the monitors bleeping and needles in her arm, I had wanted to say goodbye to her and had arranged to visit the Chapel of Rest at Sandwell Hospital. My auntie wanted to come too and I was grateful because I was scared. The morning we were to go, she phoned me and said she could not come because her dog Mimi had to have her coat trimmed. I was too much of a coward to go on my own. Memories of how Mum's family had been cruel to us both after Dad died came flooding back.

My friends have tried to be there for me and have sent me emails. The people at work have been great too. I am having trouble getting the life insurance money though, which has plunged me into serious debt because there were no savings to pay for the funeral. Mum frequently cancelled the life insurance policies I had taken out because I was concerned there would not be any savings for funerals for either of us. She finally relented with the last policy, but they are dragging their feet. It is now 15 November 2013 and Mum died in June 2013 - still no insurance money.

I think that I have been through most of the stages of grief but had hoped I would be coming out of it, but I can't. Every day gets worse and although I love God and believe there is an afterlife, I am wishing my own life away. My fiance Ivan died two short years ago and Mum was there for me. Her words were always so comforting.

Her family seem to have turned their backs on me and I feel they blame me for her sudden death from Pneumonia and heart attack. Mum had severe arthritis and I always tried to take her out every Saturday to Walsall for a shopping trip - we used to look forward to our time together. I work full time in Birmingham and I miss our shopping trips so much because it was our time to have a cup of tea and lunch in The Parlour in Walsall.

The worst time is when I am in the house alone. I have two beautiful dogs (one Labrador and one Staffie) who come to me whenever I have a breakdown of tears. They look at me as much to say "we are here". I have received more compassion from my 'mutts' than from my own family who no longer believe in me.

I know I'm not the only person to have lost a loved one and I am sorry if you think I am whittering on. Yes, Mum was 80 when she died but I still miss her.

Comments for As everyday goes by, the pain of losing you never dies

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Nov 17, 2013
We all feel the same sorrow
by: Gary

Hi Judy, I can readily relate to your pain. im in much the same situation with relatives, although friend have been good. My girlfriend has not been a great help, she isn't very supportive at all. I've never needed her help before in this way, as I always had my father to go to. but sadly he passed away in February. the whole thing hit me 7 months ago. I take each day as it comes Judy, and hope for better days around the corner. I also have to accept that my partner is a product of her environment and cannot change her ..just get on with it..ways. It doesn't mean that she's a bad person. Im not sure what else to say, except keep reading the advice on this web page, and keep believing. Death is as natural as birth, and although painful...we will get though it as your parents also did with their parents. Gx

Nov 15, 2013
Dear Judy
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your mother. I lost my father in January, and the pain of losing him is almost unbearable at times. I also turn to my pet sometimes, and hug my big old dog and sob.....I truly believe that animals "know" when things are wrong, and they can be a great source of comfort. I'm glad you found this website. We are all struggling with our grief and can relate to the emotions that accompany it. Sharing our stories allows us to support to each other. I hope you can find some peace here as you continue to heal. Barb

Nov 15, 2013
Kay Northern Ireland
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel as I lost my mum in July and I am worse now than when it happened. I think the reality of our grief is only hitting home now. I am the same crying all the time and feeling miserable. Most of my friends expect me to be back to normal now not that normal can ever happen again. I have a family but neither my husband or teenage children really understand what it is like.

I cannot advise you on the financial side of things I am sorry for your loss. People tell me that it gets easier with time and I am waiting to see if that is true. My mum was 81 but as I tell people age is only a number and I miss her because she was my mother. we enjoyed drives in the countryside and chats over cups of coffee which I miss dreadfully now.
I am looking for a bereavement group in my area which I hope will help me cope. take care and be gentle with yourself.

Nov 15, 2013
I understand
by: Anonymous

Dear Judy, Your mum had respect from you so try not to focus on the ignorant relatives and how they behaved.

We cannot be responsible for the unacceptable behavior of others.

At my mother's recent funeral my niece's husband said he could not attend `because of a business meeting'. His ignorant father was taking photographs of his grandson in the memorial hall.

I cried for days after. My mum was such a kind and gentle soul, who deserved so much better.

Now it is not important what matters is that I carry her beautiful memory with me all the time.

You too, should focus on ignoring rude behavior. You were there and did your best. Mums are very special and would not expect more.

Keep in touch with this website - people here do understand.
With every good wish.

Nov 15, 2013
As everyday goes by, the pain of losing you never dies.
by: Doreen UK

Judy you are not withering on. You have lost your mum and entitled to have your story validated. I am sorry for your loss of your mum and for the lack of support from your relatives. I have found that after a death families behave at their worst. I can't believe this happened to me when I lost my husband to cancer 18 months ago. Some people stay and many leave. Many of us find that the support goes also and we are left all alone. Relatives will always play the blame game when they don't have the facts. Ignore them. My relatives on my husband's side blamed me for keeping my husband's body in the funeral home for compensation, when they are ignorant of what an inquest is. My husband worked with asbestos and died of an Industrial Disease, and I had to wait for an inquest. The body couldn't be released by the coroner for 20 days. My daughter was stalked by my husband's brother and bullied and embarrassed in her workplace to clean her father's grave. He also bullied grave staff. then the nieces mounted a battle where we had to get police protection. Now with numerous problems with our home and so much money to spend on repairs I found out the nieces put a curse on our home so I run out of money and have to sell their uncles home. they are not happy I inherited his home. we were married 44yrs.
If relatives behave badly then you don't need them in your life. It is their loss. Not yours. We are never prepared to lose our loved one's no matter how old they are. This is also the hardest time of the year when families gather together for Christmas and we face nothing but emptiness and loneliness. I am making an effort for my daughter and making the most of life so she has good memories. Put many good things into your life and build yourself up by nurturing yourself. This is the best way forward to start feeling better about life. Then tackle building up your life so it has meaning. It is not easy as one gets older but necessary. I believe in God and know I will see my husband and mother and all loved one's again. Keep this Hope alive and it will help you go on ONE DAY AT A TIME. I live in the UK. also so know how difficult life is now. As they say here. Keep your chin up. Life will get better in time. Best wishes. Keep writing back with updates.

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