As strong as I am, I'm always going to hurt
Today was hard. A lot just kind of hit me at once.
All of my memories of New Year's Eve and New Years Day are with my dad. Typically, I would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with mom and then I would head to dad's and stay there until New Years. Holidays are always a little harder for us...
I was watching an episode of a show I really like and this episode was focused around this person getting married. And, it made me realize that my dad wouldn't get to attend my wedding, and I would never get to have my own father and daughter dance...
I wouldn't get to tell him that I got a place and met a really great guy that he would love so much or how bummed I was that I couldn't get the puppy I wanted. I wouldn't get to call him up and tell him how much I love my job and how much Idaho sucks, hahaha.
I know he's with me and he's not really gone; that he's just not here on Earth in the same form as us, but it is so hard to tell that little girl inside that. She knows what's true, but that doesn't mean her heart still doesn't hurt.
It made me realize, no matter what, even on the best days of my life to come, there is always going to be a little bit of pain I can only hope to overcome. Some days it will be easy, others will be a battle, days when we are back to square one, but we're always going to hurt, we will always be tainted and damaged.
I heard that makes you stronger though... I believe it so far.