At a Crossroad....Advice needed.

by Vickie

I am in a relationship with a man that I met through an online dating site nearly five yr's ago. I was in a very long relationship, for nearly 20 yr's prior to this. My partner met another woman and left me for her. We never married but he practically raised my two girls. They were 3 and 5 at the time we met. I was very hurt and angry of course, but I also had to believe that he wasn't completely bad-he raised two girls as if they were his own. I was single for about a yr. and then I decided to date. I dated for a few mo's.Met some nice guys. Then I met the man I am engaged to now. He has no children and has never been married. He was very career oriented and decided to not have children because he suffers from a muscular disease and he didn't want to risk passing it onto a child. His brother also has it. He was very up front about it when I met him. He was walking and doing fairly well. I eventually moved in and for about a yr., or so, it was pretty good. Then my daughter who was 26- was killed. We had been talking about marriage but he said he wasn't quite ready yet. He wanted to marry me but hadn't asked. My daughter was killed in Sept.09. He supported me emotionally as best as he knew how. His health started declining and now he is unable to walk. We both were/are going through life changing events and grieving a loss. We have tried to support one another over the last couple yr's, but it hasn't been easy. He tries to understand my hurt, my loss,but never having children of his own makes it hard, for him to understand the magnitude of my pain. He did ask me to marry him this past Feb. I said yes and I do love him but I am starting to feel that his needs(help with doing things) is more than I can handle. He is pretty self sufficient but I know as time goes by, he will need more help. I felt I had the emotional reserve and strength prior to my daughters death to do I have doubt. I have given it nearly a yr. to try and figure out what to do? The first yr. after my daughters death I knew I couldn't even consider making any big decisions. Love is a very strong and powerful emotion as all know. I am just not sure if it is enough. I just feel that I am at a crossroads and I am not sure which road is the right one to take. I want to do what is right for not only myself, but for him. I don't want my stress and pain to take even a bigger toll on him.

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Dec 19, 2011
Between a rock and a hard place
by: Anonymous

Needing to ask perfect strangers if you should marry someone says a lot. What would you advise someone else to do if they were in a similar predicament? Lots of things put stress on love and this situation will stress you to the max. Ask God what you should do, after all, He knows all things. Strength to you, my friend.

Dec 04, 2011
why we get married
by: Anonymous

If you get married, you do it because you are in love with that person, and that person makes you a better you-regardless of the obstacles. If that is NOT how you feel, then you let him know you will be his friend forever. If I had a friend who was in medical need, I would make myself available as much as I could, but not so much that it takes 100 percent of my life. You need time for yourself, and not being in love with someone who is not your husband, means you owe them the rights of friendship. If he was smart, he would have snatched you up quick. He delayed because he was not feeling that connection with you so your brain protects itself and somehow, you moved a tad away from him because of obstacles. Don't feel bad...You never marry anyone because you owe them. You can always be there for him, but you need to move on relationship-wise. Make sure he KNOWS---it is not his ailments, it's your feelings of what you are feeling at the moment. Weird thing about this is that, in you honoring friendship duties, you may fall in love again, never know. Be honest with him but DEFINITELY, reassure him, you will be there for him. That is important- and don't just say it, act on it. good luck dear!

Dec 04, 2011
advice here

Vickie, if he has Parkinson's or any other neuromusular disease it will be most debilitating as time goes on. My late husband had Parkiinson's and it was a rough road. If you have any doubts as toyour ability to care for him then please don't do it. I loved my husband so much more than my needs and cared for him and still would if he could only retun. Sine ce has passed a year ago I look back on all I did do for him and am shocked by all I did. It came nautrally but now my body has taken it's toll from me lifting him from one spot to another. I ended up feeding him, dressing him, bathing him changing his diapers brushing his teeth and caring for him just as he would have to do if he did it. HE was no longer able to read or talk much and in the end he stopped talkiing all together. Eventually you will have to have a caregiver or put him in a home if you can't afford one. IF you feel you are up to all of this and love him enough to not give up then go for it. IF not do him and you a favor and don't. be honest with your true feelings. There is nothing wrong with your not doing it. Some folks are just not able to deal with such confinement in a realtionship.

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