At last I am turnning a corner
I lost my Danny 4 years, 6 months and 21 days ago. My days of explosive crying and grieving are farther apart and not as long lasting, but they are still coming to me. If I go too long without letting them out, I get edgy, restless, headaches, and generally depressed. Once I allow them full expression, my blood pressure goes down, I feel as if I can 'get on with my life' again, and breathe.
The 'Steps to Grieving" did not help me at all. Denial wasn't even a possibility, since I felt the cold hard lifelessness in him as I reached to pull his blanket up, at 3:30 in the morning. He had had a huge headache the day before and had trouble getting to sleep that night. I stayed up with him until 12:30 when he finally settled down. A vigorous and healthy man... poof. No more. The next couple of days are just spurts of memory here and there.
There was no one to be mad at. No doctor to blame, no circumstances to blame.... I couldn't even blame God. HE was such a big part of our lives, it wouldn't even occur to me to blame HIM.
Numbness was the first step for me. Crying, sure, but mostly, at first anyway, just streaming tears. It took a week before the first explosion came and I had to hold it in until my son left for the day. I thanked God for the privacy to wail it out with no chance of anyone hearing me. I think that was my biggest blessing right then. I am extremely self-conscious about crying in front of anyone. Tears I can not control and people saw enough of them, for sure, but you need more than that to let the pressure off.
Once I let the first explosion out, I was able to function and think a bit. Enough to get the shop and all our things in order, talk to the bank and get their permission to lower the rent so I would have enough time to get things sold and out, cleaned up, and find a place. I couldn't have done it at all without my son Danial. He was my rock.
My mom paid for cremation... I sure couldn't. And she has a portable office in back of her house, which she has given me. I re-created it into a home. I have lymph-edema, in my legs and am on disability, so I have money for food, electric, phone, and supplies my med account doesn't allow for. So I am well provided for. But that doesn't take the place of a warm heart to share with and a friend to laugh with... and OH we laughed ever day! He filled my heart and my life!
Until about a month ago, I just went through creative activities to keep busy and wait for time to join Danny. Then I turned a corner and am looking forward again. It feels strange, because I have 'no-place' I am going. But at least I am accepting that I am alive.
I miss Danny so very much. It was always "You and Me against the world". Because we were the only and best friends we had. I lost my husband, my partner, my buddy, and my best friend all at once.... my business, my home of 18 years, was nothing. He was everything. As long as we had each other, nothing could knock us down and keep us there.
And yet God is still here. He has provided for me and is my anchor. Most of my guilt has been that maybe my grieving so long is showing Him I don't appreciate everything He has done for me. But I have had many long talks with myself about this. He knows how very much I appreciate all He has done, so I should not feel guilty about the deep grief I still feel, even though it has been over 4 years since Danny died. Our marriage was a good one for 41 years, I will not be surprised if my grief doesn't last at least until I go to be with him. (At 66 years old, I really don't think I have to worry about THAT being 41 years long!) No hurry. He will wait for me, and I have to be content with that.
But it is so hard!
I needed to express this to someone! And here you are! So thank you for letting me get this out.