At last I am turnning a corner

by Chris
(Gardena, CA)

I lost my Danny 4 years, 6 months and 21 days ago. My days of explosive crying and grieving are farther apart and not as long lasting, but they are still coming to me. If I go too long without letting them out, I get edgy, restless, headaches, and generally depressed. Once I allow them full expression, my blood pressure goes down, I feel as if I can 'get on with my life' again, and breathe.
The 'Steps to Grieving" did not help me at all. Denial wasn't even a possibility, since I felt the cold hard lifelessness in him as I reached to pull his blanket up, at 3:30 in the morning. He had had a huge headache the day before and had trouble getting to sleep that night. I stayed up with him until 12:30 when he finally settled down. A vigorous and healthy man... poof. No more. The next couple of days are just spurts of memory here and there.
There was no one to be mad at. No doctor to blame, no circumstances to blame.... I couldn't even blame God. HE was such a big part of our lives, it wouldn't even occur to me to blame HIM.
Numbness was the first step for me. Crying, sure, but mostly, at first anyway, just streaming tears. It took a week before the first explosion came and I had to hold it in until my son left for the day. I thanked God for the privacy to wail it out with no chance of anyone hearing me. I think that was my biggest blessing right then. I am extremely self-conscious about crying in front of anyone. Tears I can not control and people saw enough of them, for sure, but you need more than that to let the pressure off.
Once I let the first explosion out, I was able to function and think a bit. Enough to get the shop and all our things in order, talk to the bank and get their permission to lower the rent so I would have enough time to get things sold and out, cleaned up, and find a place. I couldn't have done it at all without my son Danial. He was my rock.
My mom paid for cremation... I sure couldn't. And she has a portable office in back of her house, which she has given me. I re-created it into a home. I have lymph-edema, in my legs and am on disability, so I have money for food, electric, phone, and supplies my med account doesn't allow for. So I am well provided for. But that doesn't take the place of a warm heart to share with and a friend to laugh with... and OH we laughed ever day! He filled my heart and my life!

Until about a month ago, I just went through creative activities to keep busy and wait for time to join Danny. Then I turned a corner and am looking forward again. It feels strange, because I have 'no-place' I am going. But at least I am accepting that I am alive.

I miss Danny so very much. It was always "You and Me against the world". Because we were the only and best friends we had. I lost my husband, my partner, my buddy, and my best friend all at once.... my business, my home of 18 years, was nothing. He was everything. As long as we had each other, nothing could knock us down and keep us there.

And yet God is still here. He has provided for me and is my anchor. Most of my guilt has been that maybe my grieving so long is showing Him I don't appreciate everything He has done for me. But I have had many long talks with myself about this. He knows how very much I appreciate all He has done, so I should not feel guilty about the deep grief I still feel, even though it has been over 4 years since Danny died. Our marriage was a good one for 41 years, I will not be surprised if my grief doesn't last at least until I go to be with him. (At 66 years old, I really don't think I have to worry about THAT being 41 years long!) No hurry. He will wait for me, and I have to be content with that.
But it is so hard!
I needed to express this to someone! And here you are! So thank you for letting me get this out.

Comments for At last I am turnning a corner

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Jun 28, 2014
At last I am turning a corner
by: Doreen UK

Chris you have no idea how blessed I feel after reading your post and how you expressed yourself. I am sorry for your loss of your precious Danny. Like you I will be 66yrs. in 4weeks. I also have Lymph-edema for over 40yrs.
I was married for 44yrs. and in 2009 got the worst news ever that my Steve had a rare, inoperable, incurable terminal aggressive cancer. That was the worst day of my life and when my grief started. My husband worked with asbestos and the fibres entered his lungs and grew to its fully maturity level of 40yrs. some go on up to 60yrs. How I wished God had given us the 60yrs. or even a little more than 40yrs, to enjoy some retirement with Steve. He worked hard and long hours for 47yrs. and didn't get his retirement the time he had earned. I nursed him through the worst cancer ever for 3yrs.39days and he died 2yrs. ago. Grief is confusing because the first stage is numbness we have no control over. Then anything can happen after that. I know what you mean about waiting till the coast is clear before you let your tears fall. After death you then have the burden of tidying up all the admin. Funeral to be arranged and paid for. Closing bank accounts and life insurance if there was any. Paying back the Social Security their demand for the pension they paid Steve. Dealing with the IRS and their demand for TAX from a dead man for 2yrs. I couldn't function for 6 months. I took to the couch and let God TV bathe my wounds and sorrow. I sent prayers all over the world on the Internet for Healing. I was hurt and disappointed with God for not healing Steve. I thought I prayed the wrong way or not powerful enough. God was the Healer so why didn't He heal Steve? I went through a Spiritual desert. I heard Max Lucado talk about the death of his father and how He prayed for healing. God did heal him. God took him home. That was a light bulb moment for me. I felt secure that this was God's Will. Knowing and believing in God helps because we have this assurance of Eternal Life and will see our loved one's again according to God's Promise. "I go to prepare a place for you, and will come back for you so that where I am you will be also." This is our HOPE. God says SORROW. But don't sorrow as those who have no Hope. So we soldier on. I am happy I am this side of Life where my years are shortened. I am happy also I got to bring up my 3 Adult Children before losing Steve. My sadness is that we didn't get any quality time together. I pray that this is to come in God's Kingdom. We all do turn a corner in time. But the journey is so very painful to get to. Thank God those early days of RAW GRIEF are behind me. I still can only take ONE DAY AT A TIME. My father is 93yrs. today and he hurt because Steve died before him. I know I will face his death soon. I lost my mother 11yrs. ago, and it took 9yrs. before I could look at her photo. I don't know how long it will take to look at Steve's photo, but when I do I am going to get the largest portrait photo and put it at the top of the stairs so he is the first person I greet each day after God. Life can hurt us by its difficulties. But DEATH hurts forever. May God continue to love and care for you and give you His comfort and Peace.

Jun 27, 2014
turning a corner
by: Anonymous--MI

Chris, as I read your words I could feel your sorrow and longing for your husband. I am truly sorry for your loss of the man you loved so much. I am 19 months into my grief after my dear husband died in Nov. 2012 of Sudden Cardiac Arrest. This was the worse day of my life and of course, I will never be the same, just as your words prove that. I am a Christian and I have faith in God that He makes no mistakes and I cling to the promise that God will make a place for me in heaven and I will see my husband again and share the joys of heaven and worshipping Jesus Christ for all eternity. God gave us tears to help us release the unbearable sorrow and to let us humbly come to Him in prayer for His mercy and grace. I look forward to heaven; my husband and I were married for 43 amazing years and I will never be interested in anyone else taking his place; he was and still is my husband forever. I pray that you will continue to heal; it takes as long as it takes and I, like you, expect it to not get much better. The loss is too great. I have my children and grandchildren to give me a reason to go on, but the joy of my life and happiness went away the day my husband died. May God bless you and all on this site. Without God I could not face another day.

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