Attempted Suicide

by Sad girl
(GB)

In the early summer my 'boyfriend' of 5 years attempted suicide in his car while I was out of town. He had moved to be near me and the future looked good to me, to us, I had thought. He had given up his job and had money to live on. I had no idea he was so depressed and so ill. A policeman called to tell me he had survived a horrendous crash and he had admitted he had been trying to kill himself.

I nursed him through a couple of months of psychiatric care , visiting him daily in some scary wards. He was desperate to show he could still be strong. I told him it did not matter, as I knew now. He did not have to hide anything anymore.

He had more and more time out of care and was eventually released. That was when it hit me. I could not bear him being near me, and the fact he thought we could carry on as if nothing had happened. He said "what is done is done, we have to move on." I was at the stage of wanting to say, why didn't tell me, if only you had told me how you felt.

I started to feel anxious if he was near and could not bear to think about the future. I was suddenly not sleeping again. I nearly crashed every time I saw a car like his. The doctor thought I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but subsequently I visited a therapist who diagnosed Adjustment Disorder -he said I had to adjust to having my life shattered.

I had indeed suffered a great loss - my future,..... and to some extent my past, because how much of the past had been true - what else had he hidden or not told me about how he felt? I am suffering because of his behaviour/his illness. I know I don't deserve this and it is nothing to do with anything I did, but I resent feeling like this - I don't get depressed. I am usually happy and my life is stressful but on an even keel.

I keep wanting to tell people he committed suicide, but he didn't he just tried his best to kill himself in a very violent fashion very close to my home. I feel so angry now that he could have affected me like this yet the story is so sad, as it could have been so different.

It should not have happened. I am writing things down as I go and I am blessed by having lots of close friends who are happy to let me talk and who support me all the way. One long standing friend has discussed my reactions with her husband and she had said some hurtful things, but the psychotherapist has told me that in cutting contact with him, I have made the right decision and that I have done nothing wrong. I am screwed up and have a lot to deal with. He is still alive but he is dead to me. It is all so sad........

I will adjust - my future will not be the one I imagined. I will be changed by this experience but I will get through it. Just wish I could sleep but guess that will come too.