Attempted Suicide

by Sad girl
(GB)

In the early summer my 'boyfriend' of 5 years attempted suicide in his car while I was out of town. He had moved to be near me and the future looked good to me, to us, I had thought. He had given up his job and had money to live on. I had no idea he was so depressed and so ill. A policeman called to tell me he had survived a horrendous crash and he had admitted he had been trying to kill himself.

I nursed him through a couple of months of psychiatric care , visiting him daily in some scary wards. He was desperate to show he could still be strong. I told him it did not matter, as I knew now. He did not have to hide anything anymore.

He had more and more time out of care and was eventually released. That was when it hit me. I could not bear him being near me, and the fact he thought we could carry on as if nothing had happened. He said "what is done is done, we have to move on." I was at the stage of wanting to say, why didn't tell me, if only you had told me how you felt.

I started to feel anxious if he was near and could not bear to think about the future. I was suddenly not sleeping again. I nearly crashed every time I saw a car like his. The doctor thought I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but subsequently I visited a therapist who diagnosed Adjustment Disorder -he said I had to adjust to having my life shattered.

I had indeed suffered a great loss - my future,..... and to some extent my past, because how much of the past had been true - what else had he hidden or not told me about how he felt? I am suffering because of his behaviour/his illness. I know I don't deserve this and it is nothing to do with anything I did, but I resent feeling like this - I don't get depressed. I am usually happy and my life is stressful but on an even keel.

I keep wanting to tell people he committed suicide, but he didn't he just tried his best to kill himself in a very violent fashion very close to my home. I feel so angry now that he could have affected me like this yet the story is so sad, as it could have been so different.

It should not have happened. I am writing things down as I go and I am blessed by having lots of close friends who are happy to let me talk and who support me all the way. One long standing friend has discussed my reactions with her husband and she had said some hurtful things, but the psychotherapist has told me that in cutting contact with him, I have made the right decision and that I have done nothing wrong. I am screwed up and have a lot to deal with. He is still alive but he is dead to me. It is all so sad........

I will adjust - my future will not be the one I imagined. I will be changed by this experience but I will get through it. Just wish I could sleep but guess that will come too.

Comments for Attempted Suicide

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Oct 20, 2013
Mad and now so messed up
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend of only 4 months attempted suicide in MY home right outside my bedroom door as I was sleeping. I am mad as hell and I don't want to be around him. How could he? I do, or should I say did care for him deeply but he has betrayed my trust in the worst way possible. He says he's sorry and couldn't even imagine how he could have done that but HE DID! Presently he is still in the hospital but I am so afraid of the day when he gets out. I just informed him today that I couldn't pick him up and he couldn't imagine why. I told him there was no way we were going back to the way we were and he said he understood but I also said I didn't want him at my home at all. He just didn't get that. He asked me to please tell him that we could get through this....I can't promise that and quite honestly I don't think I can.
I need help...I can't sleep, think, and I fear the day he gets out. He lives only 3 mins from me.

Aug 17, 2012
Angry now...
by: Anonymous

I read the post by "Sad Girl", and what a coincedence, because my fiance tried to committ suicide in a motel room with a bottle of voka. He was in another town 100 miles away, so, I phoned 911 for that area. I contacted his family, pastor, and at the end of the turmoil, I felt like a basket case, I was literally shaking. I love the man, and, was planning a future with him. He had no right to do this, I am mad, and, really don't trust him. I contemplated suicide many times in the past, but, didn't succeed, thank God, because I realized, I didn't want to die, just make the pain go away. I don't know what to say to him, or how to act. But, "Sad Girl" knows she can't rely on someone who doesn't think about her. I hope and pray that she finds happiness one day.

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