Baby Boy Lost - Joenathan

by Judy Hudson
(Los Banos, CA, USA)

My son was 18 years 6 months and 2 days when he died on Nov. 15, 2012. He fought drug, alcohol abuse, bipolar and severe ADHD for the last year of his life. The day he decided to take his life he had a fight with his girlfriend about her cheating on him and then moving to another town. Their fight was about her lying about the cheating and moving. His last hour she finally admitted to the cheating and that she's not coming back. He then thanked her for the truth and hung himself in our back yard. He also has been drinking the whole time they were fighting.

It is now 4 months since his been gone and I still can't accept it. I have 2 boys, Joenathan was my baby boy. His older brother is 1 year and 2 weeks older than him. The thing about it is that they look almost alike. In fact a lot of people thinks they are twins. Every time I look at my oldest it brings back so much memories that it kills me.

Joenathan was highly intelligent, I guess a lot of ADHD kids usually are, very creative in so many ways (drawing, painting, music, singing, rapping, freestyling, song writter, playing the guitar, base and drums, mathematical genius, works on electronics stuff, etc.). There wasn't anything he wasn't afraid to try and succeed at it. His actually just like his father, but double. Because he couldn't control his mind moving so fast he rather self medicated himself to slow it down. And that's when the drug and alcohol use came in.

I really can't explain the pain I'm going through and no matter what I do, I just can't stop crying. It has been 4 months and there still not a day goes by I am not crying. I feel like I just can't go on. I can't understand why I'm living and his not. It should be me, not him. Everyone else have moved on and I'm stuck. Even my co-workers are getting tired of me always talking about my son. They won't tell me to stop talking about him, but you can tell they don't want to hear it by not engaging into the conversation or not they even try not to bring up his name or anything that would affliate with him. I have been working for this company since my son was 10 years old. So it's not like they didn't know my kids.

Prayers and scriptures are the only thing thats holding me up right now. My husbands love nor my oldest is not even fulfilling it. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I just feel empty without my boy.

Comments for Baby Boy Lost - Joenathan

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Mar 26, 2013
I love you Sister...
by: Your Sister...

I will not tell you to snap out of it or expect you to hold back your tears. I wouldn't know what to think if you didn't talk about him all the time, bringing him up, saying his name, it keeps him alive in your heart and mind. Your spirit is broken right now. It is expected. Grief is different for everyone. It's almost been 2 years since dad has been gone. He's my dad, it is supposed to be natural to experience the death of a parent and yet, that is still so horrible for me. So what about you? I have 4 children, 3 sons...I can't imagine how or what I would do if I lost one of them. It's not natural for a parent to experience this loss. I've been told that it is only time that can lessen this pain. I have found personally that time has made it more painful because of the separation. 4 months is not enough time to be expected to grieve and get on with life. Now, with all of that being said...Jeromell & Jonathan are still here with you, they deserves the best of you. Especially Jeromell, he has exciting things happening in his life right now. He is here with you now and he wants you to celebrate his life with him now.
Only the Lord Jesus Christ can help you with the pain of this loss, Beg Him, Call to Him, Scream to Him and insist that He help you with this pain so that you can carry on with the life that you have. Just a little bit everyday, the little things, happy moments, a smile, a reason to celebrate life with the ones that you love and that are in your life now. Hang in there sister. Be brave. You can do this and you are doing it. Just posting on this website is a wonderful step of healing! I love you so much and I'm so proud of you. It's okay to be sad and angry and hurt and disappointed in everyone else for not feeling what you are feeling! But we are the Mama's and we feel, that's what we do.

Mar 24, 2013
your son
by: Kate

Im so sorry.I lost my son in Nov too and I dont know how i have made it through 4 months! Losing our child is the biggest death of all! I have lost others husband,parents,nephew,sister on and on but this ripped my heart out. It is sooo hard so I do understand where you are at.God is the only way I have made it thus far.People fear what has happened to us and back away from it emotionally because it is so big and they dont understand it. on here we understand so sad to say. We get it because we live with grief sorrow and pain.You came to the right pace to express your loss. Our emotions go in and out of feelings of hurt,loss,pain,sorrow,disbelief,anger, it is an emotional roller coaster.I feel sometimes Im living in shock still and thats how I go on.I try to remember my other son hurts too and 3 daughters who loved my Louie so much ,but I get wrapped up i my own huge loss.We can only try and beg God for help.My heart goes out to you.

Mar 23, 2013
feel your grief
by: Anonymous

I hear and feel your grief. It is sooo understandable how any mother can feel this way. I didn't loose a child, I was actually on here looking for a gift for a child who lost her mother. All I can say is it is hard either way. but I can relate to your story because when i was 13 i lost my brother who was 18 at the time. It was the hardest thing to watch my mother go through. To tell the truth I know at that time I also lost my mother. She just didn't have it in her to go on as before. I grew up from 13-18 almost motherless. With time she was able to resume some form of normalcy but I know the thought of my brother overwhelmed her with grief. I can't say snap out of it because just reading your pain and seeing your sons pictures brings so much sadness to me. I have a son and he will be 2 next month but I can see him in your son and the thought of losing him is overwhelming. i can't say what I would do, all I can say is i understand your pain. I hope you find the strength you need to go on. let yourself grieve but then you gotta live. i think in time comes understanding.
Joenathan will forever live in your heart....
Now let the son that is still here know, that his mommy is glad he is still here. He may be grieving the lost of a brother and mother. You are stronger than you think. Sending you much love and light! Bodies are temporary..... Spirits are eternal.....

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