Baby Boy Lost - Joenathan
by Judy Hudson
(Los Banos, CA, USA)
My son was 18 years 6 months and 2 days when he died on Nov. 15, 2012. He fought drug, alcohol abuse, bipolar and severe ADHD for the last year of his life. The day he decided to take his life he had a fight with his girlfriend about her cheating on him and then moving to another town. Their fight was about her lying about the cheating and moving. His last hour she finally admitted to the cheating and that she's not coming back. He then thanked her for the truth and hung himself in our back yard. He also has been drinking the whole time they were fighting.
It is now 4 months since his been gone and I still can't accept it. I have 2 boys, Joenathan was my baby boy. His older brother is 1 year and 2 weeks older than him. The thing about it is that they look almost alike. In fact a lot of people thinks they are twins. Every time I look at my oldest it brings back so much memories that it kills me.
Joenathan was highly intelligent, I guess a lot of ADHD kids usually are, very creative in so many ways (drawing, painting, music, singing, rapping, freestyling, song writter, playing the guitar, base and drums, mathematical genius, works on electronics stuff, etc.). There wasn't anything he wasn't afraid to try and succeed at it. His actually just like his father, but double. Because he couldn't control his mind moving so fast he rather self medicated himself to slow it down. And that's when the drug and alcohol use came in.
I really can't explain the pain I'm going through and no matter what I do, I just can't stop crying. It has been 4 months and there still not a day goes by I am not crying. I feel like I just can't go on. I can't understand why I'm living and his not. It should be me, not him. Everyone else have moved on and I'm stuck. Even my co-workers are getting tired of me always talking about my son. They won't tell me to stop talking about him, but you can tell they don't want to hear it by not engaging into the conversation or not they even try not to bring up his name or anything that would affliate with him. I have been working for this company since my son was 10 years old. So it's not like they didn't know my kids.
Prayers and scriptures are the only thing thats holding me up right now. My husbands love nor my oldest is not even fulfilling it. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I just feel empty without my boy.