by Lindsay Rivera
Maddison M. Rivera...Perfect in every way!!
On September 18th, 2009, we conceived our 3rd child. Finding out on October 3rd, we in fact were pregnant. We were excited and couldn't wait until January--we could hear a heartbeat.
January came, and we sure did hear that precious heart beating in my belly. We were not only excited we were ready to pick out names, now that we solidified we had a baby in our belly. We had boy names a mile long and a very short list for girls...Emma Jean, Madeline Rae, and Maddison Rae, McKenzie Rae....Then it started a fight between my husband, my mom, and my sister. Husband said Emma, but that was too close to family, and we agreed on not naming any of our kids after anyone or even close to anyone. So that name was out...Then Madeline, YES, we would call her MADDIE. Perfect!!...Then one day, I said, NO..I do not like Madeline, I like Maddison...still calling her MADDIE. So we went back and forth on what her middle name would be. My husband said NO to Rae, considering my older daughters middle name is Mae...He didn't want something that was similar, he wanted this baby to have her own unique name. So we put Maddison McKenzie together and solidified it. That would be our daughters name, should we be having a girl.
In February at 19 weeks, we found out that we were having ANOTHER GIRL. We have 2 older children, Andrew (5) and Chelsea (4), and we are adding another girl to the mix. We couldn't have been more excited. We told the kids her name...and it stuck FOREVER--her name is MADDIE. From that moment on, Andrew hugged my belly, loved my belly and loved his baby sister. Chelsea was so excited she would be able to hold, feed, love, pick up after her baby sister. She truly is going to be a great big sister.
From February thru April we heard heart beats on every doctor visit, had the routine measurements, weight ins, and urine tests. And the most important thing was I was getting bigger and bigger and BIGGER. With having 2 older kids both weighting in over 8 lbs each, I knew she was going to be a chuck too.
On May 14th 2010, my family and I went out to dinner at our favorite spot. We were coloring pictures and enjoying a steak dinner, when I got a hard punch in my ribs. Nothing out of the ordinary, but it was a bit stronger than normal. She was always in my ribs, so again, nothing unusual. But on the ride home from dinner, I began to have contractions. I was so excited because that means we are starting to "thin" and we are having a baby this week. Well, no, we got home and really I only had 3 contractions, 30 minutes apart and lasting about 30 seconds. So I knew we had to get to 1 minute long and 5 minutes apart before we could go to the hospital. I put my feet above my heart and all the contractions stopped. So off to bed I went.
Saturday morning, was long and boring and then that night, contractions had started up again. Oh boy, and these were stronger then Fridays, and still about 30 minutes apart lasting 30 seconds. Still not long enough and quick enough to do anything about it. So again, I put my feet up and off to bed I went. So, Sunday, I felt on doing NOTHING, literally. I was exhausted and lazy, and literally did not want to do anything...but had to get myself up and go to dinner for my husband's birthday.
Monday morning, I was full rejuvenated.. I had slept the night before and was roaring to go.. I had my routine 36 week check up and was ready to go shopping right after for my Husbands birthday. Well my world came crashing down, when the Doctor could not find MADDIE's heartbeat. He asked me several questions: but the only one I can remember was "when was the last time you felt her move?" I answered Friday...He tried adjusting MADDIE in my belly and did not get anything back from her. She was not responding to anything the doctor was doing to me. So he said, hang tight, let's get you into the ultra sound room and go from there. I about lost it. I was all alone, like every other doctors appointment, but really needed my husband and my mom. I sat on the table, as the tech rubbed my belly searching for a heartbeat..Knowing the doctor could not find one, I had no hope that the ultrasound tech could find one...And in fact I was right. There was no heart beat. The doctor considers this a stillbirth. He told me a number of things that could have happened and we wouldn't know anything until she was delivered. He asked me if I wanted to be induced or if I wanted to go ahead with another c-section. I had both older kids via c-section and planned her as a c-section...this was the way we were going. The office staff scheduled me for the following morning May 18, 2010 at 7:30am delivery. Oh my goodness I had to carry this baby girl one more day knowing she was not going to cry, open her eyes, kick and eat.
They delivered MADDIE, a beautiful 6lbs 1 oz, 20 1/2 inches long baby girl. She sure was a chunk for 36 weeks. I was empty. I was lost, I had just delivered my baby girl with no known reason as to why her heart stopped. It just stopped. They asked if I wanted an autopsy, we declined. There was no apparent reason as to why her heart stopped. There was no cord wrapped, kink, pinch or anything. She was perfect--without a heartbeat.
From that moment on, we spent every waking moment with her. My husband, kids, sister, mom, dad, aunt, cousin, family friend, and father in-law were able to meet MADDIE, love her, adore her and see what a beautiful baby she was. Even though MADDIE, didn't cry, eat, poop, pee, she melted all of our hearts. We dressed her in an outfit that was made perfect for her. "mommy and daddy love me" I wish it could have said I have the best family ever, but I didn't get a choice. My sister was able to take amazing pictures of Maddie with me, my husband, my kids, my parents, my aunt and much more of just Maddie alone.
This was the best 14 hours of our lives. She was a perfect baby--who was not meant to be here on earth. She was sent to us for a reason, and what that reason is I am not sure, but I know she has touch so many lives and its only been 3 weeks.
Not sure how I get thru each day but I do. I am struggling with all types of emotions and wonder how I will get thru today, let alone tomorrow.