Baby steps

by Jules
(Boonah, Qld)

I have written on here before, "the shell on the outside", well every day, all day and night, I miss John as if I have had my right arm cut off. But I am trying to move on, I laugh, I enjoy life, I love people, and I look forward - I make plans, keep myself busy, helping people, I don't hide the fact that I am a widow, especially one for such a short time (9 months - heading for 10) but I know that I am in denial about some things, like I know I have to do a final tax return for John, I have to change the house into my name, probably also need to change the rego on the car and van - but I put it all off - after all it took eight months before I could bring myself to clean the van out - and then my daughter had to help.

It is the things like car maintenance, does the wheel bearing really need fixing - can I trust them - are the tyres I have chosen the right ones? And on it goes, remembering oil changes, filter changes etc.

The main reason I keep going is because I know John would be so disappointed if I didn't - he trusted me to be able to cope without him - and I can, mostly, but I miss my love, my lover, my friend, the person I chose to be with over the last 42 years, the father of my children, the strong person he was, his cuddles and kisses, his cooking even.

To all of you out there in absolute despair - please remember the good times you had, the reason you were together, and know that your love is still there, he's the voice who says - "slow down, coppers patrol this road, check your tyres, you need air. Keep a track of your milage, for oil changes, don't eat that, it's bad for you, you'll regret it."

Know that your love would expect you to be strong, not fall apart, move on, don't linger in the past. I know it's hard, boy do I know, but you have a life to live, wishing that life away won't get you back with your loved one - it can never be that way again - you are a different person now, what has happened to you has changed you forever! Make the most of what you have - family, friends, and if they have drifted away, make some new ones, get out there and LIVE!!!!