Back into the same funk

by Ivy
(La.)

Well, Thanksgiving went well. Had an unexpected guest, so my Dad's chair was not empty. Have been feeling really good since, but this past week, I can feel myself getting consumed with work again. This is the same pattern I was in, when I discovered this site. I am back to having trouble sleeping, constantly fussing about work, taking things way too serious and just being very difficult to be around. I know all of this has to do with grief, what I am having trouble grasping is that I thought I had gotten past this phase. I think that I will have the next couple of nights alone and plan to spend as much of it as I can in prayer and self reflection. That seems to help, for sure. Another thing that may have triggered this is that my Mom's handy man asked her to borrow money. I work out of town and can not be there for her all the time, so a she hired a neighbor ( who is also a family friend) to help out around the place. When I visited on Sunday, she told me that he asked to borrow 1,000.00. Of course I was bothered, but it got worse through out the night. I would not call him that night, because I did not want to discuss this while I was angry. So, I called him the next morning and could tell by the sound of his voice that he knew what the call was about. I was very polite, but asked him not to do that again. I know that it is her decision, but she is very venerable and her mind is not as sharp as it once was. I feel a bit guilty that I can not be there for her every need, but do know that I have to continue my life. I guess that whole thing in a nut shell is that I am slowly falling back into depression and am not sure how to stop it. There are not words to express how much I miss my father and that just seem to get worse.

Comments for Back into the same funk

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Dec 17, 2013
Dear Ivy,
by: Anonymous

I'm glad the rememberance service helped your healing process. After my father passed, a friend gave me a book that discussed the idea of how the reltaionship with a loved one changes after death, and the different ways to honor the new relationship.I had never really thought of it that way either. I have finally come to accept the fact that I can't change what has happened, and have accepted that this is all God's plan, even though there are days when I still wake up and cannot believe that he is gone. While I have accepted his death, I'm not at peace yet and I pray to God to help me with this, because there is no other choice. I talk to my father everyday and I try to honor his memory by being the kind of person he was, and to live a beautiful and meaningful life. He was a kind and gentle man, and we were extremely close. Grief is hard, hard work and it changes us forever. I pray that you can continue to heal - you are in my thoughts during this difficult time of year. Barb

Dec 16, 2013
Thank you both
by: Ivy

Thanks so much for your responses. I can not tell you how much they are helping. We went to a remembrance service for lost loved ones at the funeral home that took care of my Dad's services. It was a very good service. The speaker was from Michigan and basically his message was to fight. Fight through the pain and depression. Find a new relationship with your passed loved one. I have never thought of it this way, but the relationship will always be there, it is now just different. I just miss my friend, father, role model and pal so much. I have never experienced anything like this, but know that I am not alone and not loosing my feeble little mind. Thanks again!

Dec 15, 2013
Back into the same funk
by: Doreen UK

Ivy you are still grieving for your dad, coping with life, work, and your mother is getting too much to juggle. STOP. Take a moment for yourself. You have boundaries. You can't carry responsibility for everyone and everything or you will burn yourself out. PRIORITISE. You need to work, and often work is stressful and so time consuming that it consumes one's whole life, and causes stress. I am facing this at the moment. I am going to have to work things out so this is more manageable and not stressful for my daughter. I lost my husband to cancer 19 months ago and rely on my daughter for support. But at the same time I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable because she also has her own life. I am in the same place as your mother having lost a husband. Your mother is vulnerable. Easy enough to be caught trying to please other people and find one's self in awkward situations. You must be assertive and communicate what you feel about being used by other people. You have every right to be concerned about your mother and what is happening and she will appreciate this. Do this in a way that she will be careful and not become emotionally injured by anyone trying to take advantage of her. But don't take on the whole problem otherwise you will make yourself ill. Build yourself up so your depression will not consume you. Know your limitations and see a counsellor if your depression gets too difficult. Nip it in the bud before it takes over your life. I did counselling years ago and it was the making of me and I live my life better. I had to learn the same lessons in life. Respecting my boundaries and those of my children. I carried too much responsibility for my son and lost him. He walked out of my life when his father died. But I manage life in a positive way and do not let the fragile situations of life cause me to become depressed. I change what I can and let go of the rest. I know my limitations and I take one day at a time. This is how I cope. You will find our own way. You just need good support and time to nurture yourself from grief. Prayer is also the best medicine one can give themselves. Keep God on our side and in your life. He is our best support and answer when life is hard.

Dec 13, 2013
Dear Ivy
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry you are struggling now. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I feel like I am slipping back into my deep grief as well. My dad died in January, and while Thanksgiving was "ok", I feel like I am getting worse as Christmas approaches and I just feel overwhelmed, anxious and disconnected. I also worry about my mother. I live close by and feel responsible for her now. It all seems to be crashing down on me these days. I miss my father so much, we had such a wonderful relationship and I think abut him every single day. As a matter of fact, I cannot stop the thoughts. They consume me. Anyway, I hope you continue to visit this site- we are all on the same path, and understand your pain and everything you are going through. You are not alone. Please be kind to yourself, and I hope you can continue to heal and find some peace along the way. Barb

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