Back into the Universe

by Giahna


I'm a 21 year Illustration major who recently graduated from College on May 10 2014.
My mother passed May 14 2014 from cardiac arrest at 50. The day death ripped a hole in my universe.

My mother was traveler of the stars. Her faith in the human spirituality and the power of the mind transcended far beyond her time. We both believed in a greater existence and Devine creator of the universe. Though she was devote to a specific organized religion, she was devote to connections of the soul and universe. I am as well, because she taught me so.

However, my mother was in a great deal of pain. Degenerative joint disease in both her knees and lymphedema in both of her legs. The pain she endured was suffered by those in their 70 and 80 not their 50s. Despite having 2 daughter and a loving husband, her quality of life was very poor. It killed her that she couldn't walk or swim anymore, and pain was just too unbearable. I saw the look in her eyes at my college graduation, though proud, just filled with utter agony.

The life she lived before becoming ill was full. Driving cross-country to live in California, then Philadelphia, then New York. She made many friends and memories, had a few supernatural encounters and met the love of her life (My dad) where she had me, her eldest, and my 15 year old sister

Her and I were connected in a special way. She told me so many times that she believed that we were old souls traveling together for so long that we become mother and daughter this time around. But her and I are so much a like I think that I am simply a piece of her soul that developed into my own being.

She was my number fan, supporting me in my decision to become a Graphic Design major with a focus in illustration. She knew I had a dream of becoming a cartoonist, wanting to tell my stories and spread diversity in the work I do. She read everything I've ever written, every story every comic, she understood me better than I understood myself.
Her mind was brilliant, and I fear that our beliefs may be in vain, that her brilliant mind may be gone forever, instead of back into the universe amongst the galaxies and the stars.

The pain I feel I would wish upon no one, though slowly day by day time is gently making me stronger. I fear the life that lies ahead of him. I'm only 21 and am considering going to get my masters. I fear what the future holds. I want so badly to talk to her, to hear her voice and advise, but I'll never hear it again.

After my grandmother's passing I would have dreams of her during special events in my life or anytime I was questioning anything, she would answer. I wonder if my mother will come to me in special ways. The days after her passing I dreamt I was talking to her on the phone, and towards the end I asked her. "You know how much I love you, right" And she laughed and said "Yeah, you were saying that a lot the other day." I said that a lot in the hospital.
The night before her funeral I dreamt I was giving her a hug. Perhaps it was her way of saying good bye before she ventured out into the universe to explore? Childish thoughts perhaps but it brings my heart some peace.

Peace that she's no longer in pain because it was too much to bear for someone so young.

I question if she knew how much i loved her, but then I realize she must of. Because she told me many times that when I graduated I would probably have to move to find a job, but she knows I would never leave because she knows I would never leave her. That was always my biggest obstacle, I never wanted to leave her. But now, I guess in a way, we can go together.
We can go anywhere now.

Comments for Back into the Universe

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Jun 12, 2014
i happen to be in d same situation
by: Isha

While blankly going through this site I saw your post... its like my case exactly. My mom passed away on 28th may 2014 due to silent heart attack. We had returned from a foreign trip just that day. In d afternoon we all went off to sleep together and in d evening wen we tried to wake her up for dinner there was no response because by that time she had left her body ( in sleep only)... its was a shock because she was totally well just before going to bed and we had just returned home after spending such a wonderful time.
I never even got a chance to do anything for her even though I am a doctor. Still can't find what to believe and what not to! She had high blood pressure but nothing so serious to take her away from her caring husband and 2 daughters. My younger sis is 13 and I turned 21 on the 6th of this month (a birthday that was so empty without my mother)

May 31, 2014
Dear Giahna,
by: Anonymous

What a beautiful post. I am so sorry that you have lost your mother so young. My father passed away in January, 2013- also from Cardiac Arrest. I can relate to so much of what you write in your post, not only the pain and emptiness, but of the soulful connection you have with your mother. I too belong to a church, but my spirituality goes beyond the teachings I learn there. I know that my father is still with me-his energy and love surround me. There is still a space for him in my life, only in a different way. I hope you find comfort as you begin to heal, and I wish you much peace in the days ahead. Hugs, Barb

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