Back into the Universe
I'm a 21 year Illustration major who recently graduated from College on May 10 2014.
My mother passed May 14 2014 from cardiac arrest at 50. The day death ripped a hole in my universe.
My mother was traveler of the stars. Her faith in the human spirituality and the power of the mind transcended far beyond her time. We both believed in a greater existence and Devine creator of the universe. Though she was devote to a specific organized religion, she was devote to connections of the soul and universe. I am as well, because she taught me so.
However, my mother was in a great deal of pain. Degenerative joint disease in both her knees and lymphedema in both of her legs. The pain she endured was suffered by those in their 70 and 80 not their 50s. Despite having 2 daughter and a loving husband, her quality of life was very poor. It killed her that she couldn't walk or swim anymore, and pain was just too unbearable. I saw the look in her eyes at my college graduation, though proud, just filled with utter agony.
The life she lived before becoming ill was full. Driving cross-country to live in California, then Philadelphia, then New York. She made many friends and memories, had a few supernatural encounters and met the love of her life (My dad) where she had me, her eldest, and my 15 year old sister
Her and I were connected in a special way. She told me so many times that she believed that we were old souls traveling together for so long that we become mother and daughter this time around. But her and I are so much a like I think that I am simply a piece of her soul that developed into my own being.
She was my number fan, supporting me in my decision to become a Graphic Design major with a focus in illustration. She knew I had a dream of becoming a cartoonist, wanting to tell my stories and spread diversity in the work I do. She read everything I've ever written, every story every comic, she understood me better than I understood myself.
Her mind was brilliant, and I fear that our beliefs may be in vain, that her brilliant mind may be gone forever, instead of back into the universe amongst the galaxies and the stars.
The pain I feel I would wish upon no one, though slowly day by day time is gently making me stronger. I fear the life that lies ahead of him. I'm only 21 and am considering going to get my masters. I fear what the future holds. I want so badly to talk to her, to hear her voice and advise, but I'll never hear it again.
After my grandmother's passing I would have dreams of her during special events in my life or anytime I was questioning anything, she would answer. I wonder if my mother will come to me in special ways. The days after her passing I dreamt I was talking to her on the phone, and towards the end I asked her. "You know how much I love you, right" And she laughed and said "Yeah, you were saying that a lot the other day." I said that a lot in the hospital.
The night before her funeral I dreamt I was giving her a hug. Perhaps it was her way of saying good bye before she ventured out into the universe to explore? Childish thoughts perhaps but it brings my heart some peace.
Peace that she's no longer in pain because it was too much to bear for someone so young.
I question if she knew how much i loved her, but then I realize she must of. Because she told me many times that when I graduated I would probably have to move to find a job, but she knows I would never leave because she knows I would never leave her. That was always my biggest obstacle, I never wanted to leave her. But now, I guess in a way, we can go together.
We can go anywhere now.