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Backwards

by jules
(qld)

Just when you think you are going ok - it comes and bites you again - I had felt quite positive, am about to move house, take some steps forward, then today - wham - I am in the depths of despair again.

I have just read an article somewhere that says that a lot of people who suffer a major loss (such as loss of spouse, as I have) will undergo probably four more stresses in the initial twelve months.

I am up here in a small country town, with really no friends, I am here because my daughter and her four children are here - but her marriage is undergoing a crisis, and I am trying to be strong and support her.

But I feel that I am unappreciated - that's not really it - maybe it is just unloved - something happened yesterday that made me feel sad - my daughter has lived away from home for about 18 years - her choice, she could have come home anytime, married 15 years.

Her husbands family are the type of people who "take you over", and I have felt very excluded over the years - my husband and I sometimes had our birthdays or mothers or fathers day forgotten, whereas the mother in law brags to me about how often she has been taken out to breakfast on mothers day, the presents she has got from my daughter, the cards expressing love etc. I am not saying my daughter does not love me, nor her father, but I feel that I come a long way second to her husbands family - even though she complains about the way they are. Anyway yesterday my daughter and the boys were at my house and the mother in law was there - when they were leaving my daughter pecked me on the cheek, but hugged her mother in law!!!!

If only my daughter knew the things the MIL has accused her of, she is always hinting to me that my daughter has confided things to her that would make me very upset if I knew them (about me and my husband), I have also had her tell me that the younger boys are "horrible children, absolutely horrible" and trouble, and liars.

One of my major problems is that I share a house with the MIL, for another two weeks only though. So I get the constant - "oh, you wouldn't know about that, you weren't here" - we came from 1500k away, and were on an extended holiday when my husband had a stroke and died.

I stayed here because I thought my daughter needed me, I certainly needed her - her husbands family is totally dysfunctional, and if her husband does not get some help, their marriage will not survive another six months - that is my honest opinion - marriage is hard work, and it doesn't work if only one party is working at it.

I hope no-one minds my ramblings, but needed to get it all out, and don't have any other avenue at the moment.
thanks again

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Backwards

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One step foward two steps back
by: HH

Jules,

I hope that your life is progressing forward. But know that I and probably others have the one step forward two steps back progress.

Moving ahead,whether this is the final stretch I do not know. I feel that I am metamorphosing into another self. One without My Love that feels barren, yet progressive.

Just know that we are all here for you and know that you now only handle the grief heaped on you but other factors that mess with your healing process. Keep going, your doing great forward motion of any kind is a motion of some sort. Propelling you towards some invisible finish line that ends in your acceptance and new life for yourself.

Thank you for all your support through these rough waters we all tread. You have helped me through the rough spots that snare my progress.

Hope

re: backwards
by: jules

Thanks guys for your lovely words of support. I think I know all these things but sometimes it is just overwhelming, but knowing I can come on here and get it all out is the best feeling.

It is great that we can support each other from all over the world, grief and love know no boundaries.

Center Stage
by: Hope

Jules,
The MIL needs to be center stage and has no qualms about pulling dirty deeds to get there. She appears self centered, devious and manipulative.

Which.....Explains your daughters ties to her.
I know from your previous writings that you are totally centered. You have helped me a GREAT Deal getting through this horrible 1st year.

Oct 6th will be 10 months how can that be
I am for the first time able to forge ahead and get into the garage, the house and go through the ghost in the closet that I have been unable or unwilling to face.

You are a monument of strength, You will get through this. I know....I do

Keep yous eyes open and your mouth closed give them enough rope to hang themselves and in the end you will be the strong one that your daughter comes to when she finally see's through the veils of deceit.

My sincere best to you.

Hope

going backwards is part of the ride
by: Judy

Jules,

Remember, we who share this unwelcome ride of grief recovery call it a roller coaster. That because the ups and down come without warning and can be very big downs or ups.

I myself am at the 10 month mark and have recently had very similar feelings. I too am in a small town far away from true friends and my small family. I feel trapped here because of financial considerations, rock bottom housing markets, scarcity of jobs etc and I am 62 to boot! I feel very alone, lonely, unattractive, unloved and with no one to care about me. I am actually always a little afraid under the surface because of the money situation and the looming possibility that I can't survive by myself.

I have these feelings even though I've managed to modify my mortgage, pay off our car, keep a reasonably good credit score, and some smaller victories like take my Great Dane to the vet alone, no small feat since he could knock me over just being happy.

I feel this way without having a toxic MIL around to stir the pot and spread poisonous thoughts. She sounds perfectly awful and it is good to move away from her. Remember what goes around comes around and people like this always reap what they sow.

Perhaps it would feel better for you to think about your daughter as doing what she has to do to get along with his toxic lady. However awful the MIL may be, she is the mother of her husband and grandmother of her children. These relationships are ever-lasting and this reality is in your daughter's life. I suspect she knows how the MIL is and has developed her own ways of coping as best she can.

More than anything I miss having Bear here at night to love me unconditionally no matter what has been said, done or hurled at me by the day and no matter what good, bad or indifferent acts I've done. Someone to talk all this over with. No one give you that unconditional love like your spouse and best friend. And he is gone.

Hang in there. We are on this ride together and we are here.

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