by Doris R
Saying I "lost" my Dad is deceptive.
I feel as if I never had a Dad in the first place.
He was insensitive, mean, abusive, rude, and emotionally unavailable for me my whole life. I've written may poems which I call "Bad Daddy" poems because I am still so angry with him.
He died in 1998, and I still cannot forgive him for the abuse, both physical and emotional and how he treated me when I went through some terrible times. I was raped when i was 13 and my Dad called me a slut. I got pregnant when I was a senior in high school and he disowned me.
He always said to me, "don't tell me your problems". I could never just talk to him and I tried so hard to make him love me. I don't believe he did, ever.
My mother passed away just last week and I was talking to my brothers who were remembering that Dad saved up to buy us bikes for Christmas one year. That was something because there were 5 of us still at home and we all got new bikes that year. I was told that this was a way my Dad showed his love for us.
How do I forgive someone who hurt me so badly? I can't confront him with any of this because he is dead.
I would appreciate any input anyone has because this anger is just below the surface of my daily life and comes roaring out at times.