Bad Daddy

by Doris R

Saying I "lost" my Dad is deceptive.

I feel as if I never had a Dad in the first place.

He was insensitive, mean, abusive, rude, and emotionally unavailable for me my whole life. I've written may poems which I call "Bad Daddy" poems because I am still so angry with him.

He died in 1998, and I still cannot forgive him for the abuse, both physical and emotional and how he treated me when I went through some terrible times. I was raped when i was 13 and my Dad called me a slut. I got pregnant when I was a senior in high school and he disowned me.

He always said to me, "don't tell me your problems". I could never just talk to him and I tried so hard to make him love me. I don't believe he did, ever.

My mother passed away just last week and I was talking to my brothers who were remembering that Dad saved up to buy us bikes for Christmas one year. That was something because there were 5 of us still at home and we all got new bikes that year. I was told that this was a way my Dad showed his love for us.

How do I forgive someone who hurt me so badly? I can't confront him with any of this because he is dead.

I would appreciate any input anyone has because this anger is just below the surface of my daily life and comes roaring out at times.


Comments for Bad Daddy

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Feb 24, 2013
Bad Daddy
by: Doreen U.K.

Doris I am so very sorry for your loss of relationship and nurturing with your dad. This lack of love has left a void in your life and left you broken and ANGRY. The only way to go forward with your life is to commit to some counselling. I DID THIS. Without revealing too much about my life which is not the issue. I know how you feel. My parents were caring but also a streak of cruelty which left me with a lot of AMBIVALENCE. In my 40's life became so intolerable that I went into counselling. Because I did this so late in life whilst also coping with a marriage and 3 children I needed a few years before I got my life back. I found out that we endure many losses in life. I had to grieve these in counselling. The more I focused on forgiveness the more angry I got. I then was so confused everything was so tangled up that I didn't know who I had to forgive for what. But as my counselling progressed I found out that my anger and unforgiveness just evaporated. Everything became clearer. I knew then it was futile focusing on forgiveness. This was not the issue. Resolving my losses in counselling was the issue. I was able to move forward in life and I was able to relate in a way on a daily basis that helped those who I interacted with. I could dance on air.
I always knew that my father was abused and treated very cruelly and he couldn't give me what he didn't have put in him. I had compassion for him. I loved him despite my hurt. He is 91yrs. now and is and always has been very unhappy. Imagine 91yrs. to live an unhappy life is CRUEL.
Don't focus on your hurt, anger, and unforgiveness. Urgently get a good counsellor. It is crucial you get the right one who will help you to the point you know it is working for you. It is difficult, painful, hard, expensive, But worth how you will feel afterwards. You will have a happier life and you will feel good. You will go on to be more positive and attract the right people around you to help make your life better. Your father gave gifts. This was all he could do. Accept it. But each of your siblings will have a different life experience. So you do what you have to do for yourself. Do not discuss anything with your siblings. Counselling is confidential. Keep it that way. Sharing can become unhealthy and unproductive and work against you. Best wishes.

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