Because You Loved Me ~
My Big Fisherman 2009
I know I'm lost without Billy. Its a fact and no one can say otherwise. I also know my life wouldn't be the same if If I'd never been with him. He always saw the best in me. I'm everything I am because of him. He showed me the world, what I could do on my own ~ the belief he had in me. It was like coming from the darkest into the light and me with a child who needed help. He stepped up to the plate with that one and never balked.
Now I'm back into the darkness. Lost without him trying to find my way. Will the light ever shine again. Now? NO, but I've got to believe it will some day when were together.
I think about memories gone by and I smile and cry. He believed in me so much more than I did in myself.
Because he loved me.
I've been really writing a lot, specially online (thank goodness for this site)..
I wait for what? Who knows, for when? maybe someday ~ it all comes down to 1 simple feeling or emotion. I've lost my best fried, my love, my other have of my soul, someone no matter how stupid I was loved me. I could scream and yell and have the most hateful fights and swear like a sailor run out of the house and he would call me back, tell me "It's OK, I love you well figure this out" but now? I'm so battered and broken I feel I will never survive.
Survive: 1. to remain alive or existent
2. outlive, outlast... (got that one)1 point for me
That's not a word I like.... and if you add survivor then it just you. That sucks....Kiss that one good-by.
So its another late night hour and I can't sleep because I sleeping in a queen size empty bed. I write in my journal and where does it get me? Out of ink and needing another pen. Write, write and write some more, really its only a fix for the moment because that journal can't hold me, can't comfort me when I cry because I'm missing Billy so much. It can't even yell at me when I'm being stupid. So I can talk, write and stare at the walls, stop eating or drink myself drunk and what does it do....NOTHING... ZIP... NA DA
How many ways to say, he's not here... you have to learn to live life without him, oh and go to work so you don't have to live off friends and family, get back into the 'REAL' world and continue like it was 1999. Good luck with that one....
I've come to the conclusion that I'm crazy... not going crazy but have already reach that point. The point of no return...
But, maybe crazy is to hard a word, for the world its "Despondent"
1. Dejection, Hopelessness
Sounds like that's right on the money.....
Why not try "Desperation"
1. a loss of hope and surrender to despair, a state of hopelessness leading to rashness
There's that word "Hopelessness". must be popular in the dictionary. I'm guessing rashness is all the stupid stuff I do when I'm despondent and in a desperate mood....
Getting a little to serious here huh?
I'm hurt, in pain and no doctor call can cure what I have. No talking, medications or drinking (self medication) can cure what I have, that's unless you could bring Billy back to me. So where does that leave me? Drifting like a leaf floating down a river twisting and turning, never know if I'm going forwards or backwards. Unpredictable . . .
I'm bouncing all over the place here. Just call me ping or pong.... OK I know that's stupid....
Clark Gable, Errol Flynn and Grouch Marks he was and more.
Just before I left Arkansas I wrote this, something I try to say to myself each night before I go to bed:
As I walk down the hall ~
Foot steps echo my good-bye
Each door closes with the tenderness of loves sorrow gone ~
Its time to step from the past, the darkness of uncertainly
Into the future, the light of a new dawning day
I leave my heart, my soul and the very fiber of my life
Until I return one day to rest with my love,
no more tears of despair to fall
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~
I Love you Billy, I always will, Love P