Because You Loved Me ~

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Because You Loved Me ~

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

My Big Fisherman 2009

I know I'm lost without Billy. Its a fact and no one can say otherwise. I also know my life wouldn't be the same if If I'd never been with him. He always saw the best in me. I'm everything I am because of him. He showed me the world, what I could do on my own ~ the belief he had in me. It was like coming from the darkest into the light and me with a child who needed help. He stepped up to the plate with that one and never balked.
Now I'm back into the darkness. Lost without him trying to find my way. Will the light ever shine again. Now? NO, but I've got to believe it will some day when were together.
I think about memories gone by and I smile and cry. He believed in me so much more than I did in myself.
Because he loved me.
I've been really writing a lot, specially online (thank goodness for this site)..
I wait for what? Who knows, for when? maybe someday ~ it all comes down to 1 simple feeling or emotion. I've lost my best fried, my love, my other have of my soul, someone no matter how stupid I was loved me. I could scream and yell and have the most hateful fights and swear like a sailor run out of the house and he would call me back, tell me "It's OK, I love you well figure this out" but now? I'm so battered and broken I feel I will never survive.
Survive: 1. to remain alive or existent
2. outlive, outlast... (got that one)1 point for me
That's not a word I like.... and if you add survivor then it just you. That sucks....Kiss that one good-by.
So its another late night hour and I can't sleep because I sleeping in a queen size empty bed. I write in my journal and where does it get me? Out of ink and needing another pen. Write, write and write some more, really its only a fix for the moment because that journal can't hold me, can't comfort me when I cry because I'm missing Billy so much. It can't even yell at me when I'm being stupid. So I can talk, write and stare at the walls, stop eating or drink myself drunk and what does it do....NOTHING... ZIP... NA DA
How many ways to say, he's not here... you have to learn to live life without him, oh and go to work so you don't have to live off friends and family, get back into the 'REAL' world and continue like it was 1999. Good luck with that one....
I've come to the conclusion that I'm crazy... not going crazy but have already reach that point. The point of no return...
But, maybe crazy is to hard a word, for the world its "Despondent"
1. Dejection, Hopelessness
Sounds like that's right on the money.....
Why not try "Desperation"
1. a loss of hope and surrender to despair, a state of hopelessness leading to rashness
There's that word "Hopelessness". must be popular in the dictionary. I'm guessing rashness is all the stupid stuff I do when I'm despondent and in a desperate mood....
Getting a little to serious here huh?
I'm hurt, in pain and no doctor call can cure what I have. No talking, medications or drinking (self medication) can cure what I have, that's unless you could bring Billy back to me. So where does that leave me? Drifting like a leaf floating down a river twisting and turning, never know if I'm going forwards or backwards. Unpredictable . . .
I'm bouncing all over the place here. Just call me ping or pong.... OK I know that's stupid....
Clark Gable, Errol Flynn and Grouch Marks he was and more.
Just before I left Arkansas I wrote this, something I try to say to myself each night before I go to bed:
As I walk down the hall ~
Foot steps echo my good-bye
Each door closes with the tenderness of loves sorrow gone ~
Its time to step from the past, the darkness of uncertainly
Into the future, the light of a new dawning day
I leave my heart, my soul and the very fiber of my life
Until I return one day to rest with my love,
no more tears of despair to fall
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

I Love you Billy, I always will, Love P

Comments for
Because You Loved Me ~

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Grief Share
by: TrishJ

Pat~
I like Judith have attended the Grief Share workshop. The first night I went it was only two ladies and myself. The lady to my right sat and cried through the entire 1.5 hour meeting. I almost didn't go back the following week. I'm glad I did. Several weeks into the program a couple in their early 40's joined the group. They lost their 20 year old son two years prior and were not making any progress in their grief journey. They did very well over the next 10 weeks and it was great to see how they reconnected. They learned to talk about their problem together and not hold it in. I was touched to see how they rebuilt their lives. I was so caught up in the progress they were making I wasn't paying much attention to myself. Now that the group has ended (6 weeks ago) I find myself back sliding. I need to be around people who understand. I'm not ready to fly on my own yet.

I'm going through the Grief Share meetings again at a different church closer to my apartment. Go to www.griefshare.com or just Google Grief Share and put in your zip code. There will be several meetings to chose from. You should be able to find one close to your home with hours that will work for you. You can also sign up for the daily emails. There is some really good information in them. The meeting consists of a video on grief with real people who are going through what we are experiencing ~ followed by 45 minutes of discussion. You can voice your feelings and concerns with real live people who actually understand how you feel. It's really so helpful to talk to others who understand.

At this point Pat, you HAVE TO be around people you can communicate your feelings with. If you are leery of going to a counselor please consider starting with Grief Share or another group type situation. There is no charge. There are many grief support groups through the hospices at your local hospitals.

Hang in there. Blessings to you. How is your mom doing? Let us know.
PJ

Because you loved me.
by: Sue

Dear Pat,
I was so sad when I read your post ..... your sorrow and grief have deepened into severe depression and you cannot recover from this without professional help. Please, please take my advice and those others who have responded to your cry for help and see a therapist who will help you understand these terrifying feelings of loss. I lost my beloved Brian four months ago so I am also on that rocky, dark path of loss; stumbling along, weeping and heartsore, and falling often. But I have to believe that one day, the sun will come out again and that I must keep going because life is so precious and who knows what the future will bring. Your family need you Pat, they are hurting too and you must all support one another - their arms must be weary from carrying you sometimes. Carry them too. I love you , Sue xxx

Because you love yourself
by: M Mack

Pat,

I wish there was something I can actually do to help you get through this. It hurts so much when I am here and mirror your pain word for word. Terrible I know and so do all the others who lost a person as wonderful as Billy. I know you are trying, going through a setback, however don't be afraid to get a little help with counseling. I'm sure if you pick up the phone and call a priest, any priest you will get referred to a support group, a hotline, who knows where it will lead. You just need a little support here, other people who are in the same situation. Of course we are always here, and we feel your pain but we can't reach out and give you that hug, look into your eyes, and you can only READ our words. You are a great person and deserve to feel better, love yourself, have a good life....not feel lost and destitute because you are not. My prayers and hope coming your way. Please consider what I said, it helped me so much- maybe it'll be the same for you. Find peace, comfort to feel better.

Loving so Much
by: judith in California

Pat, please, please take our advice and get yourself to a grief therapist. You are entitled to your feelings but you need to get them sorted out and in perspective.

I now see your posts as a cry for help. You're sounding depressed and in order for you to move on to some peace you'll need some professional help.

All of us who read your posts are concerned and want you to care about yourself as much as Billy did and take the action you know he would tell you if he could.. Maybe Billy is talking through each of us to implore you to get the help you need. And God may be doing the same. Please listen .

Hugs

I wish I had the words
by: Yvonne

Oh Patricia you always say what I feel but I don't have those beautiful heartfelt words to say it. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I could always talk to Roger. Say the dumbest things and he would listen to me. I don't care anymore if people see me cry because the pain is so great. Thank you again for putting into words what I feel everyday.

Loving yourself
by: Judy

Patricia,

I've read your recent posts and my heart is aching for your pain.

Please please find yourself a counselor and get some help with these crazy feelings. If I were in Nevada instead of Florida I would come and take you myself.

I know from my own experience that the things you talk about are not comforted by us telling you we miss our beloved as well, miss them holding us, their presence at night in our beds, them loving us despite whatever crazy thing we've done. We do understand these things and I know that our saying so doesn't help because there is no one to hold us when we're down. Believe me we get it. The blunt truth is that these things are gone, and somehow we have to adapt to that.

You need to start loving the person you are right this minute. The woman who is alone and coping with the loss. The woman who doesn't especially like her job but copes anyway because you have to do it. The woman who has forged a new life in a new town, has made friends who like her (not the Billy and Patricia couple), the woman who has experienced the worst possible loss and is still standing. You are a good person. Start loving that person.

I know this is not easy as I have been struggling along with the same issues. For me personally things got better when I stopped trying to go to the places where Barry and I went together and expecting to be happy. They belong to the old life and I'm in a new life like it or not. I am very lonely and spend many hours alone as I forge a new identity as a single middle aged woman, but that is part of the healing process. We had our beloveds for many years. It will take some time to heal from the loss.

Ask your doctor for a referral to a counselor, or the Employee Assistance Program, or perhaps your church. I went through a program called "Griefshare" which is conducted by church groups. I didn't have the same religious beliefs as they did but the truths about grieving and healing from grief passed over the religious differences.

Love yourself enough to do this. We are all here cheering you on.

JM

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Because You Loved Me ~