Being a young widower present a different set of challenges
My life has been far from perfect, I've made numerous mistakes and I never really grew up. At 23 years old I was living a miserable life. Then I met a wonderful woman named Ren. She helped me through my problems and together we grew. She helped me through my depression, lying, and gambling problems. I helped her with her anger issues and agoraphobia. It was the first time she ever had positive reinforcement from a partner and I had ever had positive reinforcement. I worked hard to try and get ahead and life, to be a good provider so she could be "domestic" as she called it.
In March of 2013 she had an alarming large tumor removed as well as her left ovary and fallopian tube. Everyone assured us before hand that it was benign. A few days after her surgery they let us know that it was in fact malignant. I tried my best to sooth her fears and be there for her. Shortly after her birthday she began chemo. In September of this year she developed very aggressive ascites (her insides would fill with fluid). It was every 3 or 4 days that we'd have fluid drained. We finally had to admit her to the hospital because she could not swallow and her blood levels kept fluctuating wildly.
After she had stabilized and they committed to keeping her in the hospital and administering her chemo, I returned to work. To quote myself "So that we will have a home to go back to". The second day I returned to work, she coded. They had resuscitated her. When I saw her again, she had 12 different IV's and was hooked up to a breathing machine. She was occasionally lucid and would write down her thoughts. She wanted to know when she could go home and if I had stepped out, where I had went.
I can't really continue this story, but she passed away in Hospice care on October 25th. As a young widower I'm in a very weird place. I can't take time away from work because despite not being married, I was able to get as many bills possible in my name so they could see her.
I'm still working through my grief regarding everything. I mean, we were supposed to grow old together and then this happened, out of the blue. She didn't smoke, was in good shape, etc. Whenever work would be unbearably hard (80 hour weeks) and we'd argue about how much I'd work, I'd always tell myself and her that it was all worth it because I was building a future for us.
I just find myself dealing with a different set of problems as a young widower than those they told me to. I mean, I suppose the core feelings are there, but I've never in my life been angry at someone because their wife lived and my fiancé didn't even make it into remission. I'm scared that I'll never find anyone who will love me as much as she did.
I just wish that we had more time together. I wish that I could have fixed her or fixed things. I can't help but ask myself, will I ever find someone as wonderful again?
I guess that if I had a message for others, it would be something along these lines. Never forget the little things and even when you have problems, laugh at them. Be happy with the one you are with and cherish what time you have with them, because they might not be there tomorrow.