Being a young widower present a different set of challenges

by Chris
(Tyler, Texas)

My life has been far from perfect, I've made numerous mistakes and I never really grew up. At 23 years old I was living a miserable life. Then I met a wonderful woman named Ren. She helped me through my problems and together we grew. She helped me through my depression, lying, and gambling problems. I helped her with her anger issues and agoraphobia. It was the first time she ever had positive reinforcement from a partner and I had ever had positive reinforcement. I worked hard to try and get ahead and life, to be a good provider so she could be "domestic" as she called it.

In March of 2013 she had an alarming large tumor removed as well as her left ovary and fallopian tube. Everyone assured us before hand that it was benign. A few days after her surgery they let us know that it was in fact malignant. I tried my best to sooth her fears and be there for her. Shortly after her birthday she began chemo. In September of this year she developed very aggressive ascites (her insides would fill with fluid). It was every 3 or 4 days that we'd have fluid drained. We finally had to admit her to the hospital because she could not swallow and her blood levels kept fluctuating wildly.

After she had stabilized and they committed to keeping her in the hospital and administering her chemo, I returned to work. To quote myself "So that we will have a home to go back to". The second day I returned to work, she coded. They had resuscitated her. When I saw her again, she had 12 different IV's and was hooked up to a breathing machine. She was occasionally lucid and would write down her thoughts. She wanted to know when she could go home and if I had stepped out, where I had went.

I can't really continue this story, but she passed away in Hospice care on October 25th. As a young widower I'm in a very weird place. I can't take time away from work because despite not being married, I was able to get as many bills possible in my name so they could see her.

I'm still working through my grief regarding everything. I mean, we were supposed to grow old together and then this happened, out of the blue. She didn't smoke, was in good shape, etc. Whenever work would be unbearably hard (80 hour weeks) and we'd argue about how much I'd work, I'd always tell myself and her that it was all worth it because I was building a future for us.

I just find myself dealing with a different set of problems as a young widower than those they told me to. I mean, I suppose the core feelings are there, but I've never in my life been angry at someone because their wife lived and my fiancé didn't even make it into remission. I'm scared that I'll never find anyone who will love me as much as she did.

I just wish that we had more time together. I wish that I could have fixed her or fixed things. I can't help but ask myself, will I ever find someone as wonderful again?

I guess that if I had a message for others, it would be something along these lines. Never forget the little things and even when you have problems, laugh at them. Be happy with the one you are with and cherish what time you have with them, because they might not be there tomorrow.

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Jun 06, 2014
I can truly with you coz I’m also a young widow
by: Darling

At 33, I also lost my very young husband of just 5 years of being together. He was only 32 when he died last September 11, 2013. He died from hepato-renal failure. It was very traumatic on my part because I did everything I could just to save him from dying but unfortunately, I failed. Until now, I couldn't fully recover from my loss. He was a good person with a heart of gold. Our relationship was almost perfect, we were the best of friends and partners also. I thought my life was so fine being loved by him. He left me with a beautiful 5-year old kid.
After reading your letter, I think our stories are somewhat related. We have the same struggles in life after we’ve lost our spouses because we are still young. I hope I made you feel lighter knowing someone understood your situation. Let’s just pray we could still survive in this so called cruel world.

God bless you, Chris.

Dec 18, 2013
for Chris
by: Vickie

Hi Chris, I am truly sorry for your heartbreak. I read the other posts and all the wonderful people that come here do understand your pain. We have all suffered an enormous loss and have managed to find our way here and realize we aren't totally alone. I know it can seem so damn dark and hopeless but there is hope. I won't tell you that it will happen tomorrow but it can become less heavy on your heart at times with time. I lost my daughter at the young age of 26 over four years ago and like Lawrence I never thought I would be able to even talk about losing her when she first passed. It isn't an easy road and it takes time to find your way. I stumble all the time but I have been blessed to have made some very Special friends here. With their help and support along with my family and friends I am still here. There are days I wish I was with my daughter but I know it isn't my time yet.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do and the holidays are always difficult. Keep coming to the site and sharing your thoughts. I wasn't planning on coming here at all this evening but I ended up here and read your story.

My daughter left behind a loving husband and a little girl. My son-in-law is doing his best to work hard and be there for his daughter. He once told me that my daughter use to be the girl of his dreams and now she is the girl in his dreams. He is doing his best to move forward but I know it is hard being so young and losing his love.

I will keep you in my prayers. Try not to look to far ahead. Take it one day at a time and if that becomes to hard, an hour at a time.

God bless you,


Dec 12, 2013
your grief
by: Lawrence

Being a young widower, or an old one as I am, makes not a lot of difference, our loss is overwhelming and devastating, the grief seems as if it will go on forever
We all wish we could have had more time together but these things are not of our choosing.
It seems to me that two troubled souls met and made one happy couple for the very brief time you had, and although I know you think it wasn’t fair that she should have been taken so young, life unfortunately isn’t fair, so cry and cry, it is nature’s way of helping to accept your grievous loss..
You are in the very early days of your pain and you have a very hard road ahead, but, and I say this as someone who was standing in your shoes just twelve months ago after losing a very dear precious wife, after seventy together, the pain will ease with the passing of the weeks and months, the anger and tears will gradually lessen and although you will never forget Ren and the time you had together, you will do what she would have wanted you to do, get on with your life and be the person she worked hard for you to be, a fine upstanding young man that she would have been so proud of.
I know what you mean when you say cherish the moment, my lovely wife died in the blink of an eye as we were speaking, who would have known when she awoke in the morning well and happy on Christmas Day it would be her last on earth, but now here I am trying to help you, I would have never believed it could ever happen after she died leaving me almost prostrate with sorrow at her leaving me.
You have joined a club nobody wanted to be a member of, so read all our contributions and realize we have all been through the same heartache as you, I’m sure they will help you as they did me when I had no desire to live without her.
Take care

Dec 12, 2013
Being a young widower present a different set of challenges.
by: Doreen UK

Chris I am sorry for your loss of your fiance to cancer. I lost my husband to lung cancer 19 months ago. caused by working with asbestos. He was due to retire and worked over 47yrs. for this. My husband felt cheated. A man works hard all his life and then dies before retirement. He was 65yrs. and died 16 days before his 66th birthday. Spending that first birthday at the graveyard was so painful and sad.
Give yourself time to grieve fully your loss and you will be in an emotionally healthier place to start a new relationship when this happens. Don't rush into a new relationship and don't walk in the shadows of your fiancé and make comparisons between a new partner in your life. You would be courting disaster. You will find love again. Don't give up Hope. Be yourself and don't have high expectations that may be difficult for any new partner to live up to. Grief is such a slow process to heal from. Just be patient with yourself and it will all come good in time.

Dec 11, 2013
Life is Not Fair
by: Edna

Hi Chris, no human life in this planet is perfect, we all make mistakes and i think everyone of us has a heart that looks for love and someone to love..and at any stage in our life, some of us find one, some don't...i could say, i did find one and you did too...but life is not fair cause as when we have just started to be happy and have plans for the future, death comes like a thief in the night...

My husband died of cancer and also had ascites, everyday was devastating, my emotional pains are no compared to his on top of his physical pains during that times...he did not want to leave me yet...we're very much in love, he's my perfect love...i feel your pain, it's gonna be really hard...let us just take one day at a time...keep visiting this site and i think you will find some comfort knowing you are not alone in this grief

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