Being in the wrong hurts

by Tamsin

Getting to 35 and not being able to have sex was an issue. A medical condition diagnosed as Vaginismus. I'd had one partner (for 6 years) though we'd had little success with sex. I'd always known I was sexual - my fantasies were fairly vivid and finally I just went for it. I met M via the internet. He was patient. He was exciting. He opened my heart. We shared fantasies that became practical realities. He was trying to build my confidence (though I now believe that has to come from within). I came to rely on him. I learned to trust. I discovered the joy of sharing with him. But for me, he was everything. I don't have a successful career, and although I have many friends, a fair few of whom would drop everything to help me, I've somehow developed a habit for holding everyone at arms length. I manage. Maybe it's down to my parents' divorce and my Dad's subsequent death. Anyway, M showed me how to lean on someone for support. A need for him developed.

And then after a year it came to an end. M is married. He got support from me, he got someone who thought (still thinks) he was/is wonderful, and a peace and joy that was different to his experience at home. After his admissions he was thrown out and then 2 days later told me he was going to ask her to take him back. This was 2 months ago.

It's messy. There are more than 2 of us in this break-up. There is his wife. I try not to harbour any jealousy or resentment towards her. I'm trying to work out how to move on from the relationship with him, though she has written to me and they both seem to think it would be a good idea if I met her. There is also his daughter (19) who won't speak to him.

I find myself going round and round in circles trying to work out what I'm feeling. I don't want there to be lasting damage for anyone. I sometimes manage to want them to get back together and then sometimes it's just too hard. I feel all the loss, and I don't have the same focus as him. He and his wife want to get back together, though their hurdle is their daughter who won't talk to M. My hurdle is trying to work out what I should be doing. I seem so down. My record is 25 hours of not crying. I don't know what to do with my feelings for him. I try to make his memory a positive one, but sometimes I just get so angry (maybe it's at myself for doing something I'm ashamed of, and at him for rejecting me) and I feel so rejected and isolated and such a waste of space.

I feel I should be capable and I can't forgive myself for having wasted so much of my life (I don't mean the year with M - I mean the lack of career direction resulting in no real home or job or relationship).

I guess I just have to go at my own pace. I just don't know what to tackle first - new job or new relationship. The lessons learned are; don't ever go near a married man again: there should be other focuses in my life (it can't just be about my partner (if he exists in the future)): That this is a long process.

I miss M. I wish he knew how important he was to me. I wish he could have chosen me. I wish him success and happiness. I wish my tears would stop, and I wish a good day wasn't just one when I manage to get out of bed. Gosh I sound like a wallower. Such a giant sigh.

I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm tired.

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