I lost my dearest mom to suicide two month ago. My mom was such a beautiful person, inside and out! She was so healthy that she never ever had to be hospitalized for any sickness. She was a registered nurse who knew how to take care of her health and gives us advise us over our health. I had confidence in her that she would be ok, continuing healthy and happy. Well the big shock came just two month ago, when my sister found my mom cold & lifeless in her house on the day that no one was at home. I am still having the hardest time to accept that this is happening. It has been the worst nightmare since then. Just about two month before she died, my mom complained lightly that the government or someone people were after her to prosecute her for some mistakes she did. Knowing of growing up and at my adult life, I know mom having paranoid personality (overly cautious of everything comes her way). She also loved politics, news or as a topic for conversation. So we thought nothing of serious issues with her. She never showed us serious worries of her thoughts/believes and never alarmed us that she actually is in trouble with her mental thinking. After her complain, we tried to find out if she felt depressed, but her answer was no. To make my story short, now after her passing away, we leant that my mom was mentally ill and was going through psychosis with delusion and hallucination that made her take her life. It breaks me into pieces that I never got a change to care for her illness, to be there for her to get her medical help. The day she died, she left us a note for each of her children, telling us how much she loves us, thanking us for the things we did for her. We all wished we got another chance to tell her that we are the ones who owe her a lot, to thank her a lot for making us who we are today. She also left us a note detailing the reasons for her decision to end her life, that scared her and was real for her …… which was unreal and stuff never happened in reality. I am so broken up into pieces that she will not be with me anymore, can’t see her beautiful smiley face and can’t talk to her, can’t call her. Painful!!! I miss her love, her smile, her kindness, her everything. She was my world. She was my biggest fan. She would have turned 64 next month. My tears seem non-stop and forever will wet my face. Mom, I will never forgive myself for not understanding your pain, not sharing your suffering… I was just too misunderstanding what was going on with you. Mom Love you and miss you so much, and everyday crying since that awful day.

Comments for Bella1970

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Mar 28, 2014
by: Bella1970

Thank you all for the comforting words and valuable advice. You all so right to what you are saying. I will try my best to get the blame and guilt minimized in my system. It is so helpful to vent out! And to get an another way to look at it to what happened and methods to learn to accept it. God Bless!

Mar 27, 2014
Bella 1970
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your loss of your mom to suicide. The area of mental/emotional illness is a very hard one to live with. I suffered depression all my life till my early 40's when suicidal feelings were too hard to deal with and overcome and so I went into therapy/counselling. I tried to help myself for years with self help books but I could only do so much to help myself and then it was time to get professional help. In that 4yrs. of therapy/counselling I ended 40yrs. of depression which has never returned. I then went on to give back 8yrs. in voluntary work to that mental health charity. I worked alongside clients coming in for their appointments and the scale of the suffering was great. I observed the difficulties of patients behaviour whilst also understanding the level of my own difficulty and how I had patterns of behaviour that I found hard to overcome and only counselling could do this. I also ended my suicidal feelings. I know the world of mental illness and it is not a disease that family members can deal with without good knowledge and expert help. The whole family can quite easily become ill in one way or another and this is not an area to be taken lightly. You shouldn't beat yourself up about not being able to do more. My mother became mentally ill through alcoholism and it was a miserable childhood for 6 children and we all became emotionally ill. We still had a super caring mother. But she was ill. Hard to endure and live with. Your mother is at peace now as is my mother who died 11yrs. ago. I see this as a blessing when one can't continue living anymore in a world they can't understand and only see as hurting them with bizarre thinking they can't control or change. I understand that world. My nephew was also the same in his thinking addicted to pain medication for depression that caused suicidal feelings. He fought so hard to overcome and couldn't and cried out for help often, but no one came to his rescue in the way he needed and he threw himself in front of an express train 9 yrs. ago at the age of 30yrs. He couldn't live in his world anymore in much the same way your mom couldn't. I am sorry for your loss and May God comfort you all and bring you through your grief with His Peace.

Mar 26, 2014
Don't be hard on yourself
by: Anonymous

Your story is so so sad. Your mam obviously loved you all so much that she didn't want you worrying about her or her illness. I lose my mam six weeks ago very suddenly but in her sleep which was nice for her. The pain is horrific and shocking and like you say all you want to do is speak, hear or touch them. Suicide must be so difficult to overcome and to understand but I'm sure your mam really wouldn't want any of her children feeling guilty or sad.

I've never experienced death before so I can't say how or when things will get better. Mam's are so precious so I think we'll just have to cling on to all the wonderful, funny and amazing memories that we had with our precious role models and best friends our mam x x

Mar 26, 2014
Your mom
by: Kate

This made me cry. May god give you strength. You had a great love that will last forever with her memory.

Mar 26, 2014
Feel so alone
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your lost I have lost my Mom and no matter how long ago it was doesn't really matter. Everybody grieves differently and its okay to let the tears flow you are still in shock. Please don't punish yourself your beloved Mom would definitely not want her children blaming themselves. You mentioned she was a nurse I'm sure she knew she had a problem but mental illness is very tricky and in her mind she believed what was happening was real. There is always going to be the question we all left feeling what if, I should have....etc.
Your Mom loved you all very much she did not leave you she is always with you in your heart and in your memories. Maybe to make people aware of silent mental illness you might think when your ready to share what your family lost due to it and it might bring more awareness for other people since society these days have taken away so many places for people to seek help. If you believe in God know that she is in paradise now no more suffering and you will see her again. May God comfort you at this difficult time.

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