Bereft and Healing

by Martha
(Austin, Texas)

My dad died last December after a long illness. We had not been close in recent years, but I loved him deeply. He had a difficult path--emotional and mental problems, physical illness, and self-imposed isolation--and I had been experiencing anticipatory grief for years. After his death, I began to have acute anxiety that took the form of overactivity. Suddenly I needed to know everything I could about death and what I believe makes life meaningful. Because I work full-time, I find my grief and anxiety catch up with me on weekends. I have been finding it hard to rest or believe that things will ever seem "normal" again.

Twelve days ago, my kittycat was diagnosed with acute renal failure. I kept her alive for two days as the vets did a number of tests to see if her situation could improve and be managed, but decided to let her go when it was clear she would be in chronic pain. I am surprised that her death has affected me more immediately and dramatically than my dad's. I cry (when I let myself), dream about her, and find it hard to want to be alone in my apartment. She was my only companion for the past 8 years.

I guess what I'd like to be able to remember is that this gets better, that the feelings of sadness and emptiness and meaninglessness abate. I understand intellectually they do, but my emotions are so strong at times that I need to be reminded.

Thank you for such a lovely website! A great discovery that soothes me. I wish peace for all who have suffered loss.