Beyond a solid emotion

by artzydrux@yahoo.com
(artzydrux@yahoo.com)

Being an ex-step-parent to 3 amazing kids is where it starts and ends. The relationship ended, and then they ended my relationship I had had with the kids for 12 years. I cannot talk to them, write to them, see them. I have no legal rights. I was in an abusive relationship and I stayed for too many unhealthy reasons. Number one reason was I loved my kids.

I was mom to 2 of them, I still am. I go through these terrible stages of loss. Trying to convince myself that one day, I will be a part of them again. One day, they will be old enough to find me. That thought process doesn't keep the pain away. I cannot describe the feeling of sadness and loss I feel not having them in my life every day.

I wish I could keep the sadness away long enough to take that next step. I go back and forth with sadness and anger. I want to move on but i feel stuck in a cycle of emotions i can't get a grip on. I want to talk to someone about it, however I am so afraid of feeling even more pain than i already do. Sounds pathetic, but that's how I feel.