beyond sadness

I was married for 12 years. My partner had 3 children prior to me. Ages when we got married were 2,5,8. The relationship ended very poorly. She was very abusive and one day I said I can't do it anymore. I had done it for so many years because i wasn't healthy and because i loved the children. I love them so much, but cannot see them. As a step parent i have no rights. I struggle with this everyday. Not knowing how they are, what they are doing. I feel this unbelievable feeling of loss. My friends say, one day when they are older they can make their own decisions and will find you. That's not good enough to me. I have to wait years before that happens. So now, i sit, i cry, i feel helpless. It;s as if a death has occurred. I have gone through the anger, and the sadness and the bargaining, heading back to the anger and sadness.