Beyond This...

I was married exactly 24 years, and had loved him for 26. Next Monday will be 9 months since he passed. He was my rock. He was my conscious. He was my steady and true man. Our protector.

For 9 months I have struggled with my own emotions and the emotions of my children. He left me with a teenager, an elementary schooler, and one still in daycare.

His presence in our (my) home is EVERYWHERE!

I just took tubs and cleared out all his personal affects from my room. That has helped tremendously. I am also clearing out things that we never got to do, but said we were going to do. That has helped a lot too. Taking control and moving forward.

I am an introverted person, so I have a tendency to withdraw and rely on only close friends. The burden I place on them is tremendous and not fair, so I have started to journal just to get it out, but not annoy the heck out of family and friends.

Taking control of my environment, and getting out and doing things that I would normally have never done has helped.

Focusing on the kids, taking them on outings and planning small vacations makes me feel like a good mother. Being a good mother is the most important thing now.

Hope this helps somebody. Take care and know you are not alone.

Comments for Beyond This...

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Jun 30, 2014
Thank you
by: MRB

My husband of 25 years committed suicide last August so I'm 11 months in to this journey. I just feel so "lost". I continue to run our business, take care of our 7 year old and my four adult children and function quite well but inside I'm numb and feel paralyzed often. So many things should be sold or thrown away but I just don't even know where to start. I hate how I feel and just want to wake up and have someone tell me exactly what to do next!!

Feb 13, 2014
by: Anonymous

Dear Lawrence,
You are so lucky to have had your love for 70 years! Blessed!

I am convinced that because of my young age (45), I am able to move on. That and the fact that my husband told me emphatically to not grieve, move on, and even find a nice new man to love. He was an extremely logical and pragmatic man.

This gift that he gave me, has helped me so much. My 92 year old aunt, who also lost her husband when she was 45 years old, had that gift given to her too. He told her, please move on. Take care of the children and move on.

Strength. I have strength beyond anything I was aware of previously.

Music. You do what makes YOU feel good. This is not about your wife OR ANYONE ELSE anymore, it is about YOU! Your healing is paramount.

Thank you for your kind words and encouragment. Frankly, I have to move on...for my children. Good luck and God bless.

Feb 12, 2014
by: Lawrence

You are doing so very well and I must admit far better than I was at nine months and I do admire you enormously.
The fact that you have cleared all his possessions shows such courage, I still can’t bear to open the drawers and wardrobe where my beloved wife’s clothes are, I know I will have to one day and my daughters are just like me not wanting to bring our wonderful story to a close.
My love and I were together for nearly seventy years and I thank God for every one of them, they were exquisite, and for our wonderful daughters, the fruit of our love and many grandchildren, but I am so terribly lost without her.
Like you I am doing things I would never have done before like learning to play bridge and joining social clubs, having violin lessons, anything to get away from that empty lonely house that still echoes to all the love and laughter that was there for so many years.
I’m glad you are writing a journal, I am an author and have written many novels going back thirty years, total rubbish most of them but I have this compulsion to write and it has helped me to overcome my grief since my sweetheart died on Christmas Day 2012.
If you can, write a book about your love, so that your children will see and try to emulate your passion for each other.
I am also a musician and serenade my wife every night as I did when she was alive, in the hope that she can hear me.
I have been told I should stop doing it as it prevents her passing to the other side, but if there is an afterlife she will be so happy hearing me play and I’m sure she will go when she is ready, meanwhile I will keep on singing and playing to her.
Thank you for your contribution to this web site, I’m sure you have helped many grieving people.
With admiration

Feb 10, 2014
by: Beyond this...

Dear Doreen UK,

The fortunate or unfortunate thing that I have come to realize is that I have this nagging Master's degree in human development that keeps telling me that I am doing fine, but having this background, I am forced to look at my grief and try to work through it, perhaps in a more clinical framework. This is sometimes cold, and I have encountered some who are not willing to accept this approach, but EVERYONE is different.

For instance, I plan to move on. I would like to find another person to share my life with, eventually. That starts me thinking, "Was my relationship all it could have been?" And what can I do to avoid some of the pitfalls that I endured before my husband.

I am far more mature this time around, and have many, many years of education behind me. How can I utilize this to my advantage?

I am not actively looking, but using this as a coping mechanism so that someday, hopefully, I will be as healthy as I can be, emotionally.

My husband always just loved me for me. Now without him and his reassurance, I am forced to develop this sense of self on my own.

Sure, in the first weeks, even for months I wanted to dig a hole right next to him. Now, 9 months later. I want to live and try desperately to imagine a life beyond all this. For my children and myself.

Thank you for reading.

Feb 10, 2014
by: Beyond this

Thank you very much for you understanding and support.

I am by NO means strong 100% or even 50% of the time. I go in and out of the stages/steps/vectors of grief, and one minute I can be on cloud 9 about something; the next sulking in my room grieving for my best friend.

Grief for me is bipolar disorder on steroids. Having lost a brother 20+ years ago, I understand I will laugh and find joy again, I will go on.

I wish there was a magic way to take this away. I am not the first and I am certainly not the last. Several women in my family have had this very thing happen to them, so I am not alone. I find comfort in my 92 year old aunt, when I see the xmas cards of her with her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. I have a future.

Thank you! :-)

Feb 08, 2014
Beyond This......
by: Doreen UK

You are an amazing woman to put into place some strategies for moving forward. But don't be surprised at any emotion or pain to surface. It will come when you least expect it. But I am sure you will use your journal to get this out of your system. Just don't be so strong that you push your family and friends away. You could simplify things by just saying that you are still struggling with your grief. No one would hold this against you. WE need people in our life to walk with and no use pretending if we are having a bad day.
You have done much the same as I did. Whilst I was numb with grief I put all my husband's clothes in black bags and took them to the Salvations Army since I knew he would not wear them again. The personal items I put in his log cabin with his cowboy boots. I have to deal with this later. He was my husband of 44yrs. and I lost him to cancer 21 months ago. It took me 6 months to recover from doing NOTHING all day. I knew I would move forward when the time was right. I did not push myself forward. I have the FREEDOM to do what I want or do nothing if this is how I feel. What you have posted is comforting to those who are struggling with loss and grief. Being able to absorb your life into your children and what you have to do to survive is commendable to those who feel that they will never live again. It is making this start that is hard. Having children is a blessing because you know you have to care for them and having this distraction is good. It is in the evening or at weekends that life becomes more difficult. But TIME is what is going to help us move on with life. WE will one day be able to make life better for us and those we have in our life still who need us. I am waiting for the day when I can put the largest picture of my husband on the wall and feel his Protection over us. I am sorry for your loss and I wish you better days ahead.

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