Big brother Blake

by Ryan Denton

He died in a car accident along with a close friend in 2008 on their way to school. Is been almost four years! I remember going back to school for the first time and everyone watched me, stared, as if i was somesort of object, everyone trying to comfort me and i couldnt take it. Never before did i care what people thought of me, but after this its all i could think of because so many people where thinking of me. I didnt want to express my feelings to anyone mostly because i didnt know how, not to mention i ran myself dry of tears. Nothing felt real. I got into Smoking weed on the regular, and i always felt numb. not sad, just self conscious and numb. I lost my personality completely and it is a daily struggle to get back to the happy little kid i used to be. I was always getting into constant arguments with my mom and my dad would monitor the conversations to make sure they didnt get too out of hand although sometimes they did. But ive been getting better as a person. More thoughtful and observational than ever always trying to do the right thing and i have such an open mind to life now. The only thing is, I feel like im always being watched, ill always remember that day at school. I talked to 3 people at most about Blakes passing and i just never got the right answer or comfort. I know things cant be the same but that day my brother died, a piece of me left with him. As time passed i got worse and people kind of moved on without me. my confidence level is very low but i think its getting better. I used to be so outgoing its such a shame i feel like im wasting my life away sometimes. So if anyone reads this My only question is how can i get these voices out of my head. Telling myself i cant or im not able to do something. Im fairly attractive and ive destroyed all hopes of getting a girlfriend. Im kinda feeling down. please help :)

Comments for Big brother Blake

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Nov 07, 2012
Big brother Blake
by: Doreen U.K.

Ryan I am sorry for your loss of your big brother Blake. You don't say how old you are? but you sound young and it shows by how you write. You lost someone very significant from your life. You wouldn't know how to react or behave towards people as this can be so overwhelming. If you are able. Try and step outside of yourself. This will make you less self conscious towards what you think is expected of you. Everyone is feeling awkward. Most people mean well but don't know how to react and so will stare at you for a reaction which will be a clue to them as to how to respond to you. It could be just this simple. But I can understand how uncomfortable this will be to you, and to them also.
Thoughts will plague you and taunt you and make you feel unhappy. It this bothers you too much it is wise to go and see a grief counsellor who is trained to support you. Otherwise these voices in your head will take over and leave you depressed and not allow you to grieve properly. You are not going mad. Everything is rushing at you and through you so fast you don't know how to react or respond to your loss. Counselling will FREE you to carry on with your life and it will also allow you the space you need to talk about Blake. You will not be this way forever even though it feels like this now. You have lost your confidence and this is very traumatic. I have been through this and it is hard to get back your zest for life. I needed counselling for lack of confidence. And I was in my 30's at the time. The longer you leave a problem the worse it gets and some problems cannot fix themselves. Counselling is a very wise and grown up thing to do and it will benefit you later in life otherwise problems have a way of piling up inside you until it gets so bad you cannot function well. Early help will mean fewer counselling sessions. The longer a person leaves it to find support the more counselling sessions they need and it will take longer and be more painfull. I have done all this so I know.
You will get your life back. You will feel less pain from the loss of your brother Blake. But you won't ever forget him. You will remember him in ways that will HONOUR him as Your Brother. I hope that you have supportive family and friends who can help you through this and respect your need to tackle your grief as you see fit.

Nov 06, 2012
Trouble don't last always
by: Shiela

Ryan, I hope that I am some help. I feel in my heart that your brother would want you to live on in his spirit. He wouldn't have wanted you to change. You are cheating yourself and those you love and care for. I to have experienced loss. I'm much older than you. But still I understand. I have loss my mother @ 18 months, my only grand mother @ 10, a sister and her daughter. A childhood friend when I was 12. Two friends in the past 5 years. It just seems like every time I turn around I have loss someone or something. On this web in the pet loss corner when ever you get the chance please read the story My beloved dog Passion. This story is about my dog, once you have read it, feel free to post your thoughts. Believe it or not each day will get a little easier you will find you can breath a little more lighter and life will not feel as heavy. Greet each morning by taking in 3 deep breaths!! Please remember that trouble don't last always

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