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Birthday Without My Dad

by Down Under - Mikri / Horse
(Sydney - NSW)

This coming Thurs 24th June is my birthday, the first of many which I will be without dad.

I thought after 8 months of dads' passing that I was okay and finally coming out of that black cloud and getting on with life.

Well it feels like I've hit rock bottom again these past couple of weeks coming up to my 37th birthday. I have been feeling really low and missing him so much.

Friends want to go out and celebrate my birthday with a dinner, as we have always in the past, but things have changed, I don't feel like celebrating at all, for the first time ever I don't want people to remember my birthday. I can't wait for the day to come and go so people can stop mentioning it. I want to scream at them all to back off and ask them how can they expect me to celebrate after loosing dad!

I know they are only trying to pick me up and be there for me, but it's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm letting them all down if we don't go out, yet I feel like I'm letting myself down and hiding my true feelings if we do, as I will just sit there and pretend everything is ok, yet feel like screaming and dying on the inside.

This thing called GRIEF . . . . does it ever stop and disappear ?

Any feedback and suggestions etc. would be appreciated as I don't want to fall into that horrid black cloud again which surrounded me for so long.

Thank you for listening and warm wishes to all.

Comments for
Birthday Without My Dad

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hi
by: Anonymous

Hi! Today is my birthday and this is the first time i will celebrate my birthday without my dad, He passed away last July 1. I can relate to your post. I don't feel like celebrating my birthday at all. I just want to stay in my room and think of him. Its so hard! I miss him badly!
Thank You Elise
by: Down Under

Thank you Elise, for your kind words that have made tears flow down my cheeks... but have also put a smile on my face and agreed with your words of wisdom. Thank you . . . . .
Birthday
by: Elise

Hi. I was fortunate this year, as I celebrated my birthday with my Dad, coincidently my 37th too... not knowing it would be my last with him. My poor sister has to celebrate her 40th birthday tomorrow (27th June) without him. The party is to be at my Mum's and will be a barbeque... what Dad loved so much... so we are holding the party as much for him as it is for my sister!

Your Dad would not want you to miss on celebrating your life and the fact that you live on his life through your own. We are all here because of our parents and they spend their whole time caring for us and protecting us from hurt and pain. Losing one of them is just the worst pain... and I am still going through all this so much, just as you are. Your Dad would not want you to be hurting so much!

Your words helped me so much when I felt at rock bottom. I have just returned from a weeks holiday in Wales. I was dreading it as it was the first in 3 years without my Dad.. and we had been to Wales with him before so I knew the memories would hurt! When we went to the beach I made a little tribute to him there.. he loved it there so... and it hurt like crazy but I found it so cleansing to do so. I really miss him so much.. but it was so lovely to spend time with my husband and children... and enjoy the time there as my Dad would really want us all to!

Your Dad would feel the same... and I am sure that he will have been by your side to celebrate with you! Hang in there XXX
THANK YOU GAYLE
by: Down Under

Gayle, thank you so much for your comforting words. It brings me some comfort, in a strange way, to know that there are others out there who feel my pain and can understand. Warm wishes to you and may you too find comfort soon.
Act as if
by: Gayle

Your post reminds me of how I may be feeling. Part of me wants to rejoin life and the other part really doesn't care.

What I do know about for me, if friends didn't ask me out I would be disappointed, and if they ask it is "Don't they see how much I am hurting and don't want to do this?" As much as I can I try to keep moving, acting as if things are sorta ok in the hopes that before too long they will really start to be ok.

At this time I am struggling with traveling alone for two or three weeks and forcing myself to try to reach out or isolate and stay in the comfort of my seclusion. I hope to push, drag, pull, and get myself out. But wanting to do the best thing and actually doing it can be miles apart. Wish me luck.

You are fortunate to have people who want to help, at least that is what I think. Maybe your birthday gift this year could be the gift to your friends of allowing them to come to your side and carry you for a couple of hours.. I certainly don't have the answers for you but in the big scheme of things who knows what you could find to help bring something good your way.....

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