Birthday Without My Dad

by Down Under - Mikri / Horse
(Sydney - NSW)

This coming Thurs 24th June is my birthday, the first of many which I will be without dad.

I thought after 8 months of dads' passing that I was okay and finally coming out of that black cloud and getting on with life.

Well it feels like I've hit rock bottom again these past couple of weeks coming up to my 37th birthday. I have been feeling really low and missing him so much.

Friends want to go out and celebrate my birthday with a dinner, as we have always in the past, but things have changed, I don't feel like celebrating at all, for the first time ever I don't want people to remember my birthday. I can't wait for the day to come and go so people can stop mentioning it. I want to scream at them all to back off and ask them how can they expect me to celebrate after loosing dad!

I know they are only trying to pick me up and be there for me, but it's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm letting them all down if we don't go out, yet I feel like I'm letting myself down and hiding my true feelings if we do, as I will just sit there and pretend everything is ok, yet feel like screaming and dying on the inside.

This thing called GRIEF . . . . does it ever stop and disappear ?

Any feedback and suggestions etc. would be appreciated as I don't want to fall into that horrid black cloud again which surrounded me for so long.

Thank you for listening and warm wishes to all.

Comments for Birthday Without My Dad

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Dec 15, 2014
In my heart on my birthday
by: Anonymous

Tomorrow I am 35, my Dad passed 7 months ago and I miss him so much. I have just put up my last Birthday card from my Dad last year.

The pain is hard, take care Dad, always in my heart.

Dec 15, 2014
how do I be happy
by: Waldena

Tomorrow is my birthday and six days after that dad's first death anniversary. Dad passed away on Christmas.. Just don't understand how do I celebrate my big day. Every year without fail dad use to wish me exactly at that time when I was born, but tomorrow and now onwards no one will do that. Just can't stop crying. But one thing is for sure, if he won't wish me, I will go to his grave and celebrate my birthday.. Miss you Dad.. A LOT

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Dec 15, 2014
how do I be happy
by: Waldena

Tomorrow is my birthday and six days after that dad's first death anniversary. Dad passed away on Christmas.. Just don't understand how do I celebrate my big day. Every year without fail dad use to wish me exactly at that time when I was born, but tomorrow and now onwards no one will do that. Just can't stop crying. But one thing is for sure, if he won't wish me, I will go to his grave and celebrate my birthday.. Miss you Dad.. A LOT

Sep 14, 2014
My birthday
by: Anonymous

Today is my first birthday without my dad. He died four months ago and I still feel sad. I know that my mom and siblings are with me,but I was always daddy's girl and it hurts that he is not here to share my birthday with me. I guess one reason is that his birthday is this month too and it was always mine and then his. I feel like today is not only celebrating my birthday but also remembering him too.

Aug 24, 2014
by: Marcus

Day of celebration... I almost made it 32 years having a wonderful earth bond dad. You have taught me soo much on life. I just cant thank you so much for everything that you have done for me dad! As I blow out my candles my one wish is that I would like to see you as I come up from blowing the candles out...I miss/love ya!!

Aug 08, 2014
birthday without my dad
by: pat

Hi im 40 in October my dad died 17 months ago and my husband wants to take me away for the weekend but I don't even want to think about it cause I miss my dad so much I was his baby and can't believe he won't be here with me to tell me im getting old now xx

Jul 30, 2014
first birthday without dad
by: Anonymous

Tomorrow will be my first birthday without by beloved daddy. I should be and am very grateful to have had him as long as I did, but somehow I never thought I would turn 58 without him. Perhaps one never stops being a Daddy's Girl. I will miss the sound of his voice as the first phone call or visit I would receive in the morning. Dad loved celebrating birthdays. Mother has been moved to a residence for alz and is unaware of many things including Dad's passing, so they are both lost to me tomorrow. It's a strange feeling. I found Father's day brutal. Dad died just a couple of months ago. I never thought my own birthday would be just as hard. I also have come to realize how few people understand the void unless they too have lost a parent. Thank you for letting me share my feelings. Peace to all of you who are grieving.

Jul 29, 2014
by: Anonymous

My 13th birthday was today and I lost my dad October 23rd 2013. All day i wanted all day was a sign to know he is with me. I dont cry very often I hold it inside I dont seem to be upset about it that much I hoped today that he will walk through the door with cards and pressies and cake (he made a big deal about birthdays!)but I dont know what to do much longer. I still believe he is alive even though deep down i know he isnt!

Jul 24, 2014
by: A

I know exactly how your feeling I went through the same turmoil of emotions it's been 5 weeks an 3 days too soon I guess.
I'd suggest talking to your friends and been honest with how you feel if they care they'll understand.
Nothing is gonna replace your dad but life does go I know it's that much easier said then done but think of it this way would your dad want you to be sad? Be happy and do whatever makes you happy life is way to short an I hope you feel better xxxxx

Jul 16, 2014
30th bday
by: Anonymous

I'll be turning 30 in 4 days and all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep I lost my dad on Labor Day of 2013 and I just don't know what to do . I haven't slept much this month and I can't stop crying. I just feel so alone!

Jun 15, 2014
Daddy xx
by: Anonymous

Hi, it's my 14th birthday tomorrow and my dad died in July 2013 and I've just started to accept it but then my birthday came along. All month I've been in tears pretty much everyday and I resent yet love my birthday. I usually look forward to my birthday which hasn't changed, but at the same time I don't want it. I've come to realise that I've been very selfish on my past birthdays, choosing to go out and do activities rather than spend time with my family. I used to see things online saying 'you will only miss the things you love once they are gone' and I used to say 'yeah whatever, as if that's going to happen' I was foolish, VERY foolish and I just wish I could go back to my past self and slap some sense into myself. I now realise that although my daddy is gone and seemingly cannot teach me any more life lessons, he already has In being gone. I now cherish every moment with my family and heed the words that I was told. I hope people can learn from my stupid young mistake and savour every moment you spend with loved ones as they will go so fast, you might not get a chance to say goodbye. Thank you.

May 24, 2014
by: Ang

Today is my 43 birthday and my dad passed away 13 days ago ... He bought me a birthday card and didn't sign it yet. I'm still in shock that he is gone but today is really really hard. I'm so blessed to have had the most amazing father ever and know I'm going to miss him every single day the rest of my life.

May 24, 2014
Daddy I MIss You and Want you back
by: Anonymous

Tomorrow is my 46th Birthday. I lost my dad last month on the 8th April 2014. I still can't accept the fact that Daddy is gone.

It just does not feel the same. I try so hard to be strong but it is not easy.

I will miss his phone call and his God Bless.

Daddy I love you and miss you.

Feb 18, 2014
Missing my Dad
by: Troy

My real Dad died when I was 3 and a half, and I never got to know him. But I was lucky enough that my Grandpa stepped in and became my Dad for me. I called him Dad my whole life. I always knew I wouldn't get a Dad as long as most people, so I thought I would be prepared when his time came, but I wasn't at all. Today is my 3rd birthday without him, and it hurts even worse than the first one. The second my wife told me Happy Birthday this morning, images and memories came flooding back, and so did all the pain. The regular days are ok, but days like this, knowing he's gone is almost unbearable.

Dec 20, 2013
My 1st birthday w/o my daddy
by: Grannievilla

This daddy's girl's father passed away on 10/11/13. And, even though I'm going to be 57 years old tomorrow, it doesn't matter how old I am, I still need my daddy. I am not looking forward to tomorrow and I find myself crying throughout the day. I am glad to gave stumbled on this site. I am finding comfort on your posts :) Even though I too want to sit in a dark place/hole and not come out, I am blessed to have friends and family who are sensitive to that and are making an effort to help me get through this day. I will not let their efforts be in vain! I will celebrate my birthday in honor of the best dad ever!

Nov 13, 2013
Missing you.
by: Daddy's girl

Today is my 27th birthday. First one without my father. He passed last month. This pain is unbearable. I've been trying to put on face and stay strong for my children but I feel myself starting to cave. I'm grow deeper in a black hole and I'm afraid I wont be able to climb out. Oh how I miss him. Just let me make it through this year, strong for my children.
He passed October 6, then came Halloween, now my birthday, next week my mother's birthday, Thanksgiving, day after Thanksgiving is HIS birthday, Dec4 my parents wedding anniversary, and then Christmas!
Oh please give me the strength.

Oct 04, 2013
Bithday Without dad!!
by: Anonymous

Thats so true..yesterday was my first birthday without my father and it was a killing day..i missed him every moment and just wanted to be alone .I switched off my phone so as to ignore people .everyone was expecting me to be smiling but it is very hard to smile when u r felling so low from inside,But this grief is just with us ..People don't care actually

Aug 06, 2013
1st birthday without my Dad
by: Courtney

Today is my birthday, the first of many without my Dad. He passed away on March 28th, and it has been an uphill battle to figure out the meaning of life without him. I've managed to find things that make me happy, but today, as I turn 25, I feel like everything came crashing back down. Celebrating a birthday without him is only a painful reminder of all the things he will be unable to share with me--important things, that I never in my wildest dreams doing without him. He wont walk me down the aisle, he wont give me away to my future husband, he wont know my children, he wont coach me through the trials and tribulations of parenting. I miss him desperately and I just wish I could talk to him one more time.

Jan 28, 2013
I miss him too
by: Anonymous

Today is my 19th birthday and my dad died 2 years ago after I turned 16. I miss him so much and let me tell you - keep yourself busy and go out with friends. My friends always made sure to make me feel loved and special on my birthday so the day wouldn't be filled with grief and sadness. They made a ton of birthday surprises and just generally made me feel so happy to be alive and loved. This year is different because I moved and now I'm alone to wallow in my sadness that dad isn't here. So my advice to you is do go out to celebrate, and it takes a long time before it will get any easier... :/

Oct 23, 2012
you are here and i am here
by: Anonymous

It is my birthday tomorrow, i am turning 42. My father passed away 6 months ago and i miss him but that 'miss' i have turned into a 'mission' of living on his terms by trying hard to live his dreams. And this provides me lot of motivation and i feel he is constantly with me always.....I love you PAPAJI.

Oct 15, 2012
by: Anonymous

I'm feeling the same way. My dad passed away 11 months ago. I turned 48 today and I've been feeling down. It's a strange feeling on your birthday when one of your parents isn't here anymore. Life sure is hard sometimes.

Oct 08, 2012
miss you
by: Anonymous

hi, my father passed away on 9th march....7 months back....this is my first b'day without him.i can understand what you feel...i m still waiting for him to wish me.

Aug 26, 2012
my 2012 birthday without daddy
by: Anonymous

Thank you all, i just lost my daddu last june and i will be celebrating my 31st birthday without my daddy, i still cannot believe that he is gone but all ur posts helped me a lot that i am not the only one who is experiencing this pain, its hard to tell a lie, i guess im not ok but off course life must move on and i know dad wants us to

Mar 21, 2012
First birthday without my daddy!!
by: Anonymous

Today I turned 43 years old. My dad passed away three months ago. I miss him so much. I am happy because I have my husband and son and they love me so much. But I miss my daddy!!! This is my first birthday without him and it hurts. He was always the first person to wish me a happy birthday. All I want for my birthday is to have my daddy back but I know that it's not possible. I can't believe that it can hurt so much.

Jan 14, 2012
Missing My Daddy on my birthday too!
by: Anonymous

Today is my 2nd birthday without my daddy and it hurts just as much or more than the first one without him! At least, last year although he passed away already, the next day was his funeral and I got to see him. This year after my birthday today, where am I gonna go to see my daddy? He was always the first one in the family to call every year to wish you a happy birthday! Here once again knowing that he is gone, I am still waiting for his phone call. My phone has not ring yet, why? Daddy, I am awake already, you can call me now :(

Nov 24, 2011
Missing my daddy
by: Anonymous

Today is my 22nd birthday, and it's the first one without my dad. I feel so lost, I just lost him 3 months ago now. I've heard so many times that as time goes on it gets better. So far I've only experienced that the farther away the day that he died becomes, the worse the pain is. It's harder to remember him, but it's also harder to live without him. I don't think I've ever had to go through anything quite this hard before.

Aug 17, 2010
by: Anonymous

Hi! Today is my birthday and this is the first time i will celebrate my birthday without my dad, He passed away last July 1. I can relate to your post. I don't feel like celebrating my birthday at all. I just want to stay in my room and think of him. Its so hard! I miss him badly!

Jun 28, 2010
Thank You Elise
by: Down Under

Thank you Elise, for your kind words that have made tears flow down my cheeks... but have also put a smile on my face and agreed with your words of wisdom. Thank you . . . . .

Jun 26, 2010
by: Elise

Hi. I was fortunate this year, as I celebrated my birthday with my Dad, coincidently my 37th too... not knowing it would be my last with him. My poor sister has to celebrate her 40th birthday tomorrow (27th June) without him. The party is to be at my Mum's and will be a barbeque... what Dad loved so much... so we are holding the party as much for him as it is for my sister!

Your Dad would not want you to miss on celebrating your life and the fact that you live on his life through your own. We are all here because of our parents and they spend their whole time caring for us and protecting us from hurt and pain. Losing one of them is just the worst pain... and I am still going through all this so much, just as you are. Your Dad would not want you to be hurting so much!

Your words helped me so much when I felt at rock bottom. I have just returned from a weeks holiday in Wales. I was dreading it as it was the first in 3 years without my Dad.. and we had been to Wales with him before so I knew the memories would hurt! When we went to the beach I made a little tribute to him there.. he loved it there so... and it hurt like crazy but I found it so cleansing to do so. I really miss him so much.. but it was so lovely to spend time with my husband and children... and enjoy the time there as my Dad would really want us all to!

Your Dad would feel the same... and I am sure that he will have been by your side to celebrate with you! Hang in there XXX

Jun 26, 2010
by: Down Under

Gayle, thank you so much for your comforting words. It brings me some comfort, in a strange way, to know that there are others out there who feel my pain and can understand. Warm wishes to you and may you too find comfort soon.

Jun 25, 2010
Act as if
by: Gayle

Your post reminds me of how I may be feeling. Part of me wants to rejoin life and the other part really doesn't care.

What I do know about for me, if friends didn't ask me out I would be disappointed, and if they ask it is "Don't they see how much I am hurting and don't want to do this?" As much as I can I try to keep moving, acting as if things are sorta ok in the hopes that before too long they will really start to be ok.

At this time I am struggling with traveling alone for two or three weeks and forcing myself to try to reach out or isolate and stay in the comfort of my seclusion. I hope to push, drag, pull, and get myself out. But wanting to do the best thing and actually doing it can be miles apart. Wish me luck.

You are fortunate to have people who want to help, at least that is what I think. Maybe your birthday gift this year could be the gift to your friends of allowing them to come to your side and carry you for a couple of hours.. I certainly don't have the answers for you but in the big scheme of things who knows what you could find to help bring something good your way.....

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