birthdays are hard

by silver
(alabama)

I need you again

I need you again

My soul mate has been gone 16 months now.I have been on this site several times so most of the regulars know that I still grieve for him. He died May 29,2011 one week after our 33rd anniversary. I say I grieved for him that first set of holidays:my birthday,his birthday,thanksgiving and Christmas.I didn't really lose it until my birthday this year.All of a sudden it hit me...he isn't coming back home. I cried so hard I made my self very sick and I'm still recovering from that.That episode made me realize that I can't handle things on my own.I begin therapy on Oct 11. I'm not sure how that will go because the mental health center only does group therapy and I've never been to one of those.I wish it had been today though because tomorrow is his birthday.He would have been 64.I have been crying off and on all day for the last couple of days.I used to always get him a card,a present if I could,and we would either go out to eat at his favorite restaurant or I would make him a special supper.I don't even want to contemplate tomorrow.To top things off,a few yrs ago I put birthdays,anniversaries,etc in my phone to remind me the day before.DING,DING my phone reminded me of his birthday tomorrow.What's worse is that I can't get myself to erase it.I still haven't given away his clothes or dumped all his medicine.I don't really need another reminder that he will never celebrate another birthday.I've thought of going out somewhere tomorrow but I would just be as alone as here so what's the point.I have no friends who I could spend some time with.My children will be working.So I either lie down or play on the computer to try to get my mind away from things.I'm hoping that by the holidays I will be better able to handle some things. One thing that will help,if he can arrange it,is that my son and his family are trying to come down here from Maryland for thanksgiving.It would sure take a load off me.Some days I just don't want to do anything.I want to get to a point where I can function better but so far...For those who believe,please pray for me for tomorrow.I need all the help I can get.GOD bless you all and give you strength

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Oct 05, 2012
birthdays are hard
by: silver

thanks for all the beautiful comments everyone. I think it's true. The first year is sad but for some reason we expect the second year to be easier.It isn't.I,like some of you, realize...It's true.It's not a nightmare.It's final. They're not coming back.I made it through the birthday due much in part by my youngest son. He took me out to eat at a restaurant I had never been to.I still cried off and on that day but mostly tears just falling often. I'm not looking forward to the holidays either.This will be the 4th Christmas without my father,the 3rd without my mother and friend,and most importantly the 2nd without the love of my life.Daddy died just 3 weeks before Christmas in 2009. I hope my son and his family can come down from Maryland for Thanksgiving.He has informed me that,HE AND HIS WIFE WILL DO THE COOKING and I am to be there relaxing and enjoying the company.He doesn't know yet that I must be busy sometimes or I go crazy.We'll see how it goes.The only thing that keeps me going through this time of the year is my grandchildren. Preparing Christmas for them helps.I know it is a lot but I do it at my house. It keeps me from thinking part of the time baking cookies and preparing the rest.It will be lean as I live on Soc.Sec. now. Last year I worked part time. My nurses' license is on retirement and the way to get it out costs over $200. After the holidays I'm going to go to some of those agencies that provided sitters to people.I will let them know I'm not allowed to do anything in the nursing field,just sit with someone. They do things like sit with someone at night in the hospital to make sure they don't get up by themselves,or in the home when someone wants a break,goes to the grocery store,etc. I am allowed to earn up to $14,000 a year before I have to lose my Soc.Sec.This would be on a need it basis and I could still be mostly retired and still give me a reason to get up some days. I'll find out if it's possible to get this kind of job then. My back won't let me move some one so it will just be sitting and keeping company.I won't mind if it includes a drink or getting a book etc.The first several yrs after my sister died we took balloons to her grave. I also did it for my grandson that died in 1989 for a few yrs.My husband was cremated per his wishes and his ashes are scattered on the land we own.He picked the place before we bought it.I believe his spirit waits and watches over me. When I told his picture HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I realized that of course it was happy,where he is there is only happiness and joy...no sorrow or tears.One day we'll share that joy together. Only my faith in what GOD said,"and the greatest of these is love" is what is keeping me together. To me that means that love can never be extinguished.Again thanks to all who wrote me.sending love and prayers your way.GOD bless you and give you strength.

Oct 04, 2012
birthdays are hard
by: Doreen U.K.

Silver I know how hard it is when Birthday's and anniversaries come around. Every day I wake up I am reminded that this is just another day with nothing special to look forward to. Everything we looked forward to is now gone. LOST FOREVER. Change is not easy. I am much like you. I lost my husband 5 months ago tomorrow. It feels like 5years to me. I have forgotton how to live. I don't do anything if I don't feel like it. I still can't get back my full motivation to do all the things I used to. Caring for a husband was Number one for me. The chilren are all grown and leading their own lives. It does feel pointless. My husband Steve died 16 days before his birthday. He would have been 66yrs. WE went to his grave and put up balloons, one Happy Birthday one with Gas in it. Flowers and cards. It made us feel good but sad. We always used to go out for a special meal on anyone's birthday. A tradition that Death ended. In these early days for us we just need to do what is best for us where we are at in our grief. I can't force myself to do anything now. I feel all beaten up with grief. The winter nights are here and it gets dark early. A season that makes me feel worse at any time, but now it is so HARD to face the long dark nights. I wish you better days ahead and that your beloved's birthay will not cause you too much pain or sadness, and that you will get through the day well.

Oct 03, 2012
i am so sorry
by: Anonymous

hi my husband died 6-24-12 and i realized this past weekend that the gried i was trying to hide for the last few weeks was not a good thing, all of a sudden my grief came back in full effect this past weekend, i am crying like the first week words cannot explain i was married 21 years and together 25 years with the love of my ife, and i am only 43 years old. try and do something please do not stay home and think about it 16 months is a long time and we all grieve differently believe me 16 months is not a long time when you think about the love that we have for our spouses, i will be praying for you
God bless you
laura

Oct 03, 2012
i am so sorry
by: Anonymous

hi my husband died 6-24-12 and i realized this past weekend that the gried i was trying to hide for the last few weeks was not a good thing, all of a sudden my grief came back in full effect this past weekend, i am crying like the first week words cannot explain i was married 21 years and together 25 years with the love of my ife, and i am only 43 years old. try and do something please do not stay home and think about it 16 months is a long time and we all grieve differently believe me 16 months is not a long time when you think about the love that we have for our spouses, i will be praying for you
God bless you
laura

Oct 03, 2012
me again
by: Anonymous

I am also in my second year of mourning. I thought the first year was hell....the second is so much worse this is really reality she is not coming back this is not just a bad dream this is real...................Thanksgiving again......and then Christmas and then her birthday......i just want to hide yet i play the smiling game that i am fine. If people really knew the truth......Time does not make it easier it makes it harder reality sucks..............I have severe anxiety attacks and depression and am on medication.....I don't know if it even works....God Bless us all in this process that does not seem to have a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think i will ever feel normal. The old me is dead and buried with my mother the new me just exists this is not living

Oct 03, 2012
mack
by: Ruby/canada

I can feel your pain, Birthdays are hard, my one and only will be gone only 12 weeks on sat and my birthday is on sun, typing is so hard when you are crying,I don't want sun to come. I told the kids and friends no birthday this please, I just can't handle it. my love and I never celebrated birthdays when we travelled we would go for a very nice dinner and drinks just the 2 of us, we wanted it to be special. we were in toronto on his b day in may so I said lets celebrate with the kids and grandchildren before we head home, aia guess it was meant to be, he missed our anniversary in aug and now my b day.I think its going to take a long time for it to sink in. i wake up at night and hes not beside me and i ask god why and how do i make the pain stop.

Oct 03, 2012
Birthdays are hard.
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Silver,
Yes, birthdays are hard. Any birthday celebrated, that are loved one isn't here to celebrate with us hurts. His first birthday, after his death on June 27. 2011, was July 2, 2011. I brought birthday balloons to his grave and cried. His second birthday this year, I brought birthday balloons to his grave and cried.
A widow friend of mine sent me this post after the death of my husband. No words are ever more true. " When someone you love dies, you never quite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them, but always keeping them tucked safely in your heart."
Our life is never the same. We did not choose to live this life. God is with us, sometimes he is carrying us when we feel we can't go on any longer.
After being with my husband, since the age of 15 and I was 64 when he died, going on without him, is hard. I will never ever get over losing him, but I will go on without him and cherish his memory and cherish all that we were able to share.
I WOULD NEVER EVER BE PREPARED FOR HIS DEATH. I WANT HIM FOREVER, BUT WE DON'T LIVE FOREVER. ONE DAY I WILL JOIN HIM. THEN I WILL BE TRULY HAPPY AGAIN.

Oct 03, 2012
My prayers for Silver
by: Linn

Silver, I am so sorry that you are in such grief. The path of grieving is different for each of us. I believe sometimes it is better to be alone and other times believe that being with others helps to take our mind off the loss of our loved ones for a while. You were married a long time and I don't think that it is abnormal to still be grieving. I grieved for five years when my mother died and I believe that was the hardest time of my life. Most of my family has past away and at times I wonder how does a person go on when most of the people they have loved are gone. I am thankful that I have a daughter and four grandchildren that I love very much. I also have my darling little pets that bring me so much joy and love. Little dogs and cats seem to be able to sense our sadness and comfort us in ways that people can't. I hope that your son gets to visit you. I believe that will remind you that you still have love in your life. I will pray for you Silver and hope that each day will bring you closer to a place of peace and a new beginning.

Oct 03, 2012
life after death is hard
by: HH

I thought that once I got through the first year that things would be O.K. Not true, as the 2nd year begins it as if reality really sets in. Instead of just coping getting through the day we begin to realize a sort of "well this is it" And we begin to adjust to the new normal that we do not want and did not ask for.

I know that when the 2nd year anniversary came I went ballistic! I thought that I should be done what is wrong with me why does it still hurt? The thing to remember is that it hurt less and there really is NO time line for grief.

The 7 supposed stages come and go as they please. The whole ebb and flow of grief.

3 years for me and I still Love and Miss My Love probably always will. The difference is now I am able to feel true contentment that I thought would NEVER come to me. I can experience Joy and even allow winter to come. The hated despised season that he died. But hey once upon a time so long long ago I hated Sundays at 10:55.
HH

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