Blessed with 64 1/2 years of marriage

My husband passed away on August 2nd from small cell bladder cancer. Even though he was in hospice care and we both knew that his life expectancy was just a few months, it was a shock to me when he died and I stayed in shock and denial for almost a month. After about a week, friends stopped calling or coming to the house and my pastor has not made a single call nor visit to see how I am doing. I have a cousin and his wife who called and asked how they could help and I had a few things I did need help with and they came over. The first thing his wife said to me was to ask if there wern't volunteers at my church that could do what I had asked them to do. This was after my cousin told me that his wife had decided they weren't going to do for my birthday what they had said because she didn't want to do it. I did let him (my cousin) do one of the things I needed help with but didn't mention the other 4 things. I finally had enough, my nerves were on edge and all I could do was cry. I am so hurt that no-one really understands. I am an 82 year old woman and have no other relatives close by..I have a daughter and son-in-law who live in the Virgin Islands. We had a son who died at age 48 in 2010 and a 20 year old grandson who died last Christmas morning. I have made up my mind that when someone ask how I am that I will say "fine" because absolutely no-one wants to hear that your heart is broken, that you barely can get through the day, that you spend hours crying, that you wish someone would just sit and listen and not say that your husband is better off. To sum it up, I feel like I am going crazy. It just hurts so much. Being numb and in denial was so much easier but now the reality of his death is just overwhelming me.

Comments for Blessed with 64 1/2 years of marriage

Click here to add your own comments

Sep 20, 2013
by: Lynne

Your exactly right!! It doesnt hurt from those who only knew hubby, but, those that say they supposedly love you, hmmmm!?...tis hard not to get angry...I really dont think they really know HOW MUCH IT HURTS and that it doesnt go away quickly like it has for them, they didnt have a life with him/her, they didnt watch him/her die right before their very eyes, didnt have all the memories...etc.
I am learning that its their loss, not mine, those that are there for me, are the ones who I KNOW care and really LOVE ME....forgiveness seems to be the hardest, especially when your the one who has to forgive and your the one who lost their best friend/confidont/lover/protector...etc.,,,,BUT, we must needs do it, that is the way to be free and move on with this process called GRIEF....I try to get my mind off of what "others" do or dont do...that way I dont dwell on it....LOVE sent your way !!!

Sep 19, 2013
by: Judith in California

When someone asks you how you feel ..the preferrable response should be "My husband of 64 year has passed. How the hell do you think I feel?" I'm miserabe and I'm hurting". The they might get the point. All those olks who said they would be ther e for me and said jsut call if you need anything nd then disappeared, I don't even associate with them now. One day if they are lucky enough , will go through the same thing and then they might get a clue. Most will not because loving someone til death do we part is a thing of the past for todays couples. I know I said lucky becasue it is a thrill to be married to the one you love for so many years. Yes the loss is heartbreaking but we're blessed for all those years we had which makes the loss more so.

Sep 14, 2013
I am so sorry !
by: Lynne

I know how you feel adn am crying/hurting right along eith husband died just last july 2, 2013..after a 6 week battle with Pancreatic Cancer,,we never thought it would happen to fact, we were just discussing it whe nhe was diagnosed..
the same thing happened to me, people just abandoned me and I feel the same way you do, I also just say "fine"...people really dont understand unless they have been there..well...I DO it hurts,,how you cry and cry and you cant eat, laugh, or enything else,, how ones brain is soo fuzzy, you think your going crazy,, and all the rest...
My heart hurts for you and goes out to you..I did not have as long with my hubby, only 24 beautiful years..but, my heart still feel what you are feeling...look up..I am told it does get better...
My Love sent your way...

Sep 11, 2013
Lonely without him
by: Anonymous

Honey, I will not tell you your husband is better off now. I will not tell you to think of the good times and hold them close to your heart. I will not tell you don't cry and so many other things that others will say. I lost my husband a year before you. We were married 36 years. I am actually crying right now. My heart is breaking. It's been 4 years and my life is so different. I would be happy to sit with you. I would have something to share with you that others can't imagine. They don't understand unless they have been through it. I miss him. You miss your husband. My husband never saw his 2 granddaughters. They will never know him. Some days it grabs me and I can't let go. This is where I am tonight. My heart aches for you because I understand. I know 36 and 64 years of marriage is a milestone today when it comes to relationships. But I wanted more and so did you. I wish we could talk. Maybe we could help each other. My prayers are with you. You are not alone.

Sep 10, 2013
sharing our grief
by: Lawrence

You really were blessed by having 64 wonderful years together but unfortunately it doesn’t help with the overwhelming grief and heartache you are going through now.
I was also blessed with 62 years of marriage and 8 years courting so we spent nearly 70 years together in a wonderful passionate relationship, so I know how devastated and lost you must be feeling and quite frankly nothing or no one can dull the extreme bitter pain of the loneliness and despair.
I too lost a grandson last year from Sudden Death Syndrome, he was 21 years old, he went for a bath and just died, the shock of that was terrible but nothing like the agony I am going through now after losing my deeply cherished, beloved wife.
When you reach our age you should except that someday one of you was going to die, but nothing prepares you when it does happen.
It is eight months since my loss and the is grief is lessening and the tears don’t flow so much but I still shed a few every night, especially when I throw a kiss to her photograph before going up to that lonely bed.
You are in the very early stages of your loss and the only consolation is that believe me it does get better, there is a natural time limit on grief.
I am a little older than you and we are both in the evening of our lives, but let us thank the good Lord for the wonderful years we shared with our partners.
I keep repeating time after time “GRIEF IS THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR LOVE”, well we are paying that price but I think you will agree with me it was well worth it.
There are no happy endings in this life.
I also say I am FINE when anybody asks how I am because any sympathy causes my eyes to fill and I hate to embarrass them and myself.
Take great care of yourself and come back to this site often because everybody on it has gone through the agony that you and I are experiencing

Sep 09, 2013
Blessed with 64 1/2 years of marriage
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your husband. Sadly what you say is all too common after the funeral. Many of us feel the same way. We lose all those people who were at the funeral and promised to come round and be there for us. All the comments. "Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you." "You just have to ask and we will be there." This is just a statement because when you do state how you feel there is no understanding.
Just like you I say the same thing if asked how I am. "I am O.K." this is what people want to hear. Many times I wished I had become a missing person. Gone away and told no one. But I know I would be prolonging my loneliness. So here I am in the same boat as all of us. Trying to get through our grief and sorrow on our own.
One person I do have for support always is JESUS CHIRST. He has sent His Comforter the Holy Spirit to give me Comfort. But God does use other people for our support. He says in the Bible. "Go and comfort other's with the comfort you have received from me." So we know that we are not meant to live in isolation. We do need people in our lives. You are of an age where the body starts slowing down and we are not able to move around as much. We do rely on other people to help us. If we have no one around this can be very difficult. I am 65yrs. and had to clean out my husband's garage and I was making 20 trips a day a long way round the garden to the front of the house with boxes to dump in the skip. Many jobs I had to pay to have done. But it became too expensive. But now I have injured my shoulder doing the work. I have spent months in severe pain. Now I am painting inside the house to keep it in good repair. I enjoy the work but my body lets me down. I am feeling my age. I know what you mean needing support. What do we do??
I am not able to get to Church now in years due to disability. But when I was at church I enjoyed cleaning it. I also don't get a visit from my Pastor. But at your age I would have thought the church would be more aware of looking after it's senior citizens. My sister is excellent at doing this work and very supportive, to church elderly members and also to me when I lost my husband 16 months ago. I pray God sends someone your way to attend to your needs. May God comfort you at this difficult time.

Sep 08, 2013
64/12 years of marriage
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear your story. The sheer cruelty and callousness of people never cease to amaze me. You seem to have been surrounded by a group of fair-weather friends and, unfortunately,we don't find this out until it's much too late.

My husband of 30 years is currently in a long-term care home. He had a catastrophic stroke last year, which has left him paralyzed down one side, brain-damaged and aphasic. He has two daughters and they could be role models for what you're going through. Between them they've visited him four or five times since April and their 'phone calls have been about as frequent. When this happened last year, once he was settled in the home, they left me totally alone.Like you, I was completely devastated. I have no family and only one or two faithful friends who have hung in through all this. I am 75 and looking at a very bleak future. Once he goes, and we've been told that another stroke is almost inevitable, I will have no-one. Yes, my friends will still be there, but they have very active family lives of their own, and I refuse to be a burden.

My husband is about 6 years old mentally. He spends every Sunday afternoon with me, which we cherish. We also do other things together during the week. But he is not really "here" the way he was in the past.

I don't have any church affiliations and, from your story, you probably don't any more either. I wish I could say or do something, anything that would make you feel even a tiny bit better. Keep posting on this site, people are very kind here. And immerse yourself in something you genuinely love to do. I read voraciously, listen to music and also find swimming extremely relaxing and revitalizing. It's very important to find something that takes you away from yourself, if only for a few minutes. Also try to get some grief counselling, which is what your pastor should have been providing.

Be good to yourself. You will, in time, meet other people who will share your values and treat you with the loving kindness you both need and deserve.

Please do post again. I, for one, really want to know how you're doing.


Sep 08, 2013
blessed with 64 1/2 yrs of marriage
by: silver

I know how you feel and so do many others on this site.I also understand something else:my mother and dad were married for the same amount of time.Daddy died of multiple myeloma,a blood cancer,in Dec 2009. Their anniversary was in July.Daddy had made his 82nd birthday,momma her 81st.I saw momma grieve and didn't understand it,she had so many friends,until it happened to me 17 months later.I don't think anyone can really understand what it is to send on your other half until it happens to them.I felt as though someone came and cut out my heart while I watched.Like you I was in shock for some time.Like you,after a short while,no one came or called. Luckily,I have 4 sons who check up on me fairly often.The youngest(33)is single and lives with me. Even though he has his own life,it's nice to know he is there most of the time.I am retired and have asthma.It's hard to do some things and he helps that way.He pays the cable/internet bill or I wouldn't have that.I wish I could be there so you could talk.That does help.If you can get to and afford it, grief counseling for awhile also helps. Nothing will make it go away but it will get easier to handle after awhile.Don't expect it to happen fast.Some people can handle it in a few months, some it takes longer.Everybody is different.Even after it gets easier there will be bad days.I have started going to the senior center a couple of days a month.Being around people helps. This site has been my saving grace.I can come here and not have someone tell me to "get over it already.It's been long enough".NO SUCH THING! This is most of your life we are talking about.Also I understand the fear of bladder cancer.My husband had it but we were lucky.Even though it was malignant,they got it in time.He had to have chemo the 2nd time around and it cleared it up.I send you hugs to take out when you need one and I keep all of us in my prayers.GOD send you strength and peace.Read some of the letters and poems on this site and you will realize that you are not crazy.You are perfectly normal.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!