Bogged down in continous loss

by Cindy
(USA)

Like Terry I too was in a car accident. I went from a strong, healthy, independent person to a semi-invalid. I will never regain a fraction of my health and now I am a twisted shadow of myself. All of the things I loved to do I can no longer do. I am having to sell all of my lovely horses whom I bred, trained, rode, and showed. I cannot even brush a horse now, after two years of surgeries and treatment. I am in constant, chronic pain barely controlled by strong opiate drugs. I have always hated drugs. Every time a problem is solved concerning my health a new one pops up even more serious than the last. My family simply got tired of helping me and most of them deserted me. They do have lives and I understand. They didn't sign up for years of helping. This has also impacted me financially to the point of near ruin. It will probably finish me off financially by the end of this year. I cannot work and I will no longer have an income, insurance, etc. My daughter lives far away but she has not once stepped up to the plate to help or lift a finger though she swears she loves me and would "do anything". She hasn't done anything that would inconvenience herself in the least. She is my ony child, I am long divorced, living alone on what once used to be my beautiful horse farm waiting for my last three horses to sell. Recently my fabulous, wonderful, soul mate, my stallion died suddenly. For 12 years we were so close I could think a think and he would just do it. We read each other's minds. Many times through the years I have cried on his neck and he has given me strength to go on. Now he, too, is gone. He was one in a million and his gentle, loving, giving soul is not replaceable. My health is now on a downward spiral after two years of hard work to learn to stand, walk, and work for my independence. I am still young, not even retirement age and now I am alone in the world with no one who really cares. I imagine someday someone will accidentally find me dead, after several days after my death, alone and forgotten. I am sure my remaining family will be delighted to divey up my personal effects and what money remains. I only have an 8 year old grandson who would truly miss me. I practically raised him until he was 6 then my daughter remarried and moved over a thousand miles away without a word of consult or even a moment to consider what this would do to him and me. It was while I was trying to move close to them that my wreck ocurred so for two years I have been left at home while the new life I planned has been dashed and destroyed and my dear little boy lost to me. 2 whole years of his life I've missed. I also have a new grand daughter who is 18 months old. I don't know her as they won't come visit me unless I pay for everything and I can't afford to do that often. So I sit and wait for the Docs to fix the next life=threatening problem that just popped up, alone in my old farm over a thousand miles from those I love, hoping some day this farm will sell and I can move closer to them. It's been for sale for 2 years so I doubt in this economy many folks are looking for a breeding/training facility with a home on it. They just aren't selling. So I lay in bed and cry, I have locked myself away and cry, I cry every day all day for a whole life that is lost to me. I don't even know how to begin to start a new one. Wracked with constant pain it is hard to get too excited about any project and I miss the ones I loved so much and can no longer do. Horses were my LIFE. My grandson was my LIFE. My health is gone, my soul feels shredded, my mind has been blasted by PTSD and drugs. Endless doctors and tests. Day after day of unbearable pain in body and mind, but most of all - I am lonely. My house used to be full of laughter and love, people, family, my fields full of lovely horses and their foals guarded by my magnificent stallion. My days were a joy and now I live in hell. I don't know how to get up. I really just want to lay down and die. Everything I LOVED. Everything that was ME died in that wreck except this shell of a person who sits here writing because there is nothing else to do and I always feel worse in the evenings. That's my story and I am afraid there won't be a happy ending or anything even close to a peacefull ending to it.

Comments for Bogged down in continous loss

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Sep 13, 2011
My kindred Friends!
by: Terri

Thank you for sharing your stories, I have spent the past two years 'fishing for others' in the hopes to connect with someone that understood my anger, sadness, excitement and thrill of new living. I too got news yesterday I am being set up for another surgery... I cried for a few hours, but am able to say it now.
I was told I would be `back to normal`and every time I think its true, something else comes along... its hard to handle. I even started job searching again... I'm still going to find a job, but I have to be careful not to tell them about my next surgery.
I too feel lonely, I have two children and a loving husband, the room could be full and I still long for someone/thing to connect with.
My family and friends are at a loss for words now for me, my husband is frustrated that I am not 'over this' but I am still in the midst of it... If you want to vent, connect or just communicate you can email me at thecanadiandragon@gmail.com. I could use a kindred spirit conversation ;)

Sep 07, 2011
A Thought
by: Geoffrey Campbell

Dear Cindy, when I became handicapped here in Scranton Pennsylvania, which wasn't long ago, I moved into government housing here, which is 30 percent of whatever income. As a result, for some months I only had to pay twentyfive dollars a month as I was broke and had no present income at the time. They (local government housing) gave me a beautiful place and helped me to get Social Security and now I rejoice everyday that I am no longer homeless. I am weeping though as I lost a loved one, and this site is truly helping me. So here is a thought from me, what if you moved close to your Grandson? Wouldn't that be wonderful?
I loved my Grandmothers so much, most of all I loved and still miss terribly my step-GrandMother.
All Grandchildren need their Grandparents, I used to pray when I was a child, God, please take me when you take my step-Grandmother. Oh how I loved her! Still do and miss her. I became so depressed when I lost my Michelle that I gave up my little company, and all I did was cry, ended up in the hospital. It hurt beyond words losing her. She was the only woman who I ever had a romantic relationship with, and I cried so hard it hurt my chest.
I do understand your loss of your horse, that is just as hard as losing a close loved one, and they do love us back. God has helped me greatly, all that pain drew me to Him, and I never knew how that He hungered to know me too, if I had never suffered this loneliness I would have gone in my busy little life (I worked hundred hour weeks) and never known Him. If you feel like sending a message, my email is geoffrey2300@hotmail.com. God bless you dear Cindy

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