Breakup is worse than grieving a death

by PB
(Ireland)

Hey my boyfriend of three years broke up with me in August 2008. I was devastated and had a breakdown and was out of work for three weeks. I pulled myself up by the boot straps and reluctantly went back to work and struggled on.

We had no contact although I made drunken calls occasionally in my despair. He got back in touch early in 2009 and we began hooking up on his terms. I heard that he hooked up with others also, and was devastated. He kept coming back and I thought we would get back together as we were getting on so well.

I kept my cards close to my chest however, and was vague to friends and family on the details, as I knew they would not be impressed, because of the hurt and pain he had caused that they all held my hand through. I did not express my feelings to him, and was like a puppet so to speak and was a little stand-off-ish in protection of myself and he thought I was not interested, even though I was.

He left my house one morning and I never heard from him. After about a month I called upset over a bereavement and he was with a new friend, who is now his girlfriend. That was six months ago and there has been no contact. I am in bits and feel worse than ever and the pain is insurmountable.

I feel numb and do not care if I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. If someone dies, you know they are gone. In this situation it/s like he is dead to me, but I could run into him around any corner at any minute with his new life, while I am stagnant.