Broken and alone and not sure where to go
As a teenager I was very unsure of myself. I had low self-esteem and I can remembering just wanting people to like me. And I was liked, but I just always felt inadequate. Once I was married I finally felt ok with myself. I felt loved and I felt I had someone on my side not matter what. I felt extremely lucky. He had some issues. His family and his childhood were not the greatest, but together I felt we could do anything. My family loved him and he seemed to generally enjoy being around them. We were married for two years when we got pregnant. Neither one of us were real sure we wanted to have kids. Well, we knew we probably would, just didn't really talk about it much. Then I was pregnant with twins. I was thrilled! He was happy as well, but I think he worried a lot about our financial being. We were ok financially. I mean we never had to worry we would be out of a house. We paid our bills each month and did pretty much what we wanted. When our twins were 9 months old I found out I was pregnant again. The baby came really early and we were scared for awhile that he wouldn't make it. He eventually was fine, but a very defiant child. My husband began to work later and later, even though I didn't feel it was necessary. He first would say we needed the money, then the excuse was he had to because of his boss. But really it was a way to put off coming home and dealing with us. Eventually when our youngest was three and a half he changed jobs. Same company, but different job. He worked nights and I worked days, so our time together was very limited. His time with the kids was very limited. I feel like I should have seen it coming, but he eventually started having an affair. And it wasn't with just anybody, she was the considered the tramp of their work place. Other employees had names for her and he himself had made jokes about her. My husband and I originally worked together, so I knew how things worked at his job. In fact, it turned out that I had trained this woman when she started working. I had considered her somewhat of a friend. It turns out that the affair went on for 18 months before I found out about it. He would never admit to it at first, but then the other woman called me and in gory detail began to describe the things they had done, the places it happened, and the length of time that had gone by. When I confronted him with this information he acted somewhat remorseful. But as time went by he picked back up with her over and over. I fought so hard for our relationship, for our family. But in the end he would never truly stay away from her. We divorced and four years later he married her. They have had a horrible marriage. Constantly fighting, leaving each other, etc. But he always goes back. I have asked him several times to come home, to my embarrassment. He always turns me down. I keep asking myself what is it that she has over him that I didn't? WHat hold on him does she continue to have? He sees his children ever two weeks, but has made some very bad decisions regarding them and their well being. So much so that I had to get an injunction to keep them away from her while in their father's care. That way he can focus directly on them. It has been almost seven years since we split. Last week would have been our 15 year anniversary. We were married for nine years and dated for 2 before that. To this day I still have days where I cry at the loss of what I thought was a wonderful relationship. Mostly, I miss having that best friend to turn to and confide in. I talked to him about everything. And I always knew he understood me, where no one else ever had. I feel like I will never have another relationship like that again. I tried to remarry, but he cheated on me as well. And the relationship I am currently in really stinks. He is constantly mad and feels threatened by every male I come in contact with. It has gotten so bad, that when he gets into one of his rants I have had to crawl in bed with my kids in order for him to leave me alone. I felt trapped in this relationship. I am not happy. And I really want out, but he begs me each time to forgive him and give him another chance. I don't know what to do to get him to move out of my house. He hasn't ever been physically abusive, but the mental stuff is wearing on me. I miss so much the relationship I thought I had.